There’s a right way to use sarcasm that makes other people think you’re funny. There’s also a wrong way that makes people see you as an antisocial loser from a mile away. What’s worse is that both ways look very similar on the surface. Most shy people accidentally use sarcasm the wrong way.

Do you want to know what the difference is between the right way and the wrong way?

The Wrong Way:

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “Make sure you don’t look in the knife drawer. We obviously don’t keep knives in there.”

The Right Way

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

The right way to use sarcasm is to not use it at all. Bob was just asking a straightforward question. Most people would answer it in a straightforward way. Shy people have the urge to use sarcasm for several reasons.

Why Do Shy People Use Sarcasm?

It’s a way to hide your true feelings.You have trouble coming up with something REAL to say, so you resort to sarcasm as a way to talk.

Using sarcasm is also the easiest way to give other people the impression of self confidence. It helps break the ice when you meet someone new.

Unfortunately, sarcasm gets annoying really fast. WhenI talk to other shy people from the perspective of an outgoing person, it can be frustrating. I might be  just asking general questions, and I keep getting sarcastic replies, like the other person doesn’t know how to make normal everyday conversation.

That’s why you should learn to use sarcasm the right way. People will get annoyed at you, but you’ll just keep saying sarcastic things. Soon nobody will be too enthusiastic to talk to you.

How Can I Stop Using Sarcasm?

First, learn how to make small talk and carry on a conversation. I’ll be making more posts on this in the future and may even write a small ebook on it soon. Keep checking back to this website for more tips.

The reason why you have to learn how to make small talk is because you need to have something to say. The main reason why you use sarcasm so much is because you have nothing else of substance to tell the other person. Sarcasm is a crutch that helps you actually say something once in a while.

By learning basic conversational skills you replace sarcasm with better habits.

Give Straightforward Replies

If someone asks you a question, even if the answer is stupidly simple and obvious, don’t use sarcasm. Just answer their question. If you follow through with the tip I gave you above, and learn some conversational skills, you won’t need sarcasm to say something or express yourself anymore.

Example of the Right Way: (from above)

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

See how easy it is?

What Else Will I Talk About?

Many shy people are scared to stop using sarcasm because they’re afraid that without it, they’ll stop talking completely. This isn’t true. Think of all the outgoing people you’ve seen. Most of them almost never use sarcasm, yet they still talk and connect with people. 

The reason why you’re scared is because the main way you talk to people is by answering their questions. Outside of that, you don’t know what you’re supposed to talk about. By using these windows of opportunity when people ask you something to be sarcastic, you might get a quick laugh and feel more social for a minute.

But if you don’t talk to someone outside of answering their questions sarcastically, no real friendship or relationship is possible.

Won’t I Lose My Personality?

Sarcasm isn’t part of your personality. Sarcasm is a habit you’ve developed over time.

It’s a habit you should try to get rid of because of all the reasons I told you above. Sarcasm may be a short-term solution if you want to feel less antisocial, but it won’t make you less antisocial. All it does is give you a small, bitter type of feeling that you aren’t that shy, that lasts for about 20 seconds.

The only way to become less shy is to learn how to talk to people. To do this you’re going to have to give up the old habits you developed being shy. That includes sarcasm.

And one more thing. You don’t have to be sarcastic to be funny. The main thing to remember is that sarcasm is funny to most people only for the first one or two times. Then it gets boring to talk to you. Believe me, there are many, many ways to be funny without using sarcasm.

Aren’t Some Outgoing People Sarcastic?

Yes, there are plenty of people who aren’t shy and are sarcastic. Does this mean sarcasm isn’t related to shyness?

The answer lies in when outgoing people use shyness compared to when shy people do. An outgoing person can talk normally and be sarcastic and people will find him or her funny.

When a shy person uses sarcasm, it is only after someone has asked them a question. That’s the key point.

If you want to overcome shyness, you have to learn how to carry on a real conversation, without using automated sarcastic replies to questions all the time. I know the idea makes you a little nervous inside because sarcasm is a comfort mechanism for many shy people.

Sarcasm For Shy People: Step-By-Step

Here’s a quick run-down of the guide to sarcasm for shy people:

1. Sarcasm is what shy people do when they don’t have anything REAL to say. If you really want to overcome shyness, you have to give up being sarcastic.
2. Replace sarcasm by learning conversation skills and small talk.
3. Give straightforward replies to straightforward questions. Avoid sarcasm at all costs.

By now you realize you don’t need sarcasm. If you want to get over being shy, it’s something you’re going to have to give up.

Try this: the next time you’re tempted to give someone a sarcastic reply, try giving them a straightforward answer. See how it goes. What have you got to lose?

Photo by Gytis

It’s disgusting.

They have the most pointless conversations imaginable.

Celebrity gossip. The stupid trash movie they saw last week (that really isn’t all that funny). Comments about other boring people they know. Or nothing at all. They just talked on and on and seem to even enjoy it. They say almost nothing of substance and everyone else seems to love them for it.

While you can barely keep a relatively interesting conversation going.

Maybe you’ve listened in on one of these conversations, and come to the realization that maybe you don’t talk because you have nothing in common with these people. You don’t want to be lonely, but can’t ever imagine being part of such a pointless discussion. How can you add something interesting to a conversation that is about nothing?

But you have to be able to talk about nothing if you want to be socially successful. And, as you’ll soon find out, it won’t make you less intelligent.

What Should I Talk About?

The question: “What should I talk about?” is the wrong one. Did you really believe people talk about stuff that actually matters?

They don’t, and for a good reason.

Most people have nothing real interesting to say. They just don’t know enough to be able to talk about fascinating subjects all the time. Maybe I’m a pessimist in this way, but most people aren’t even that intelligent.

But that doesn’t stop them from having friends. Or girlfriends and boyfriends. Or a social life. It actually helps.

Talking about nothing helps people have a better social life for one not-so-obvious reason. Most people spend a lot of time talking throughout the day. With many different people, about their new cat, vacation in Fiji and creepy neighbour. How many of those conversations do you think they remember?

People Don’t Remember Most Conversations They Have

The trap many shy people fall into is thinking that every conversation they have has to be interesting and important. They obsess about some small conversation they had with someone for days, thinking about what they said, what they could have said, what they did right and wrong, and what they’re going to say to the person the next time they see them. Tell me, how much has the other person thought of the conversation?

They’ve probably forgotten about it entirely. Because they had plenty of other conversations, and pressing issues, and events that happened to them. In the end, one little conversation means nothing in the grand scheme of things, at least it shouldn’t.

That’s why no matter what you say to someone in the average conversation, they will almost 100% certainly forget it within a few days. Because of this, you don’t have to have something particularly interesting to say. You just need to say something.

People don’t remember what you said, but they do remember that you had something to say. In the end, you can talk about interesting stuff, or “nothing”. Nothing is much easier.

Why Should I Want To Talk About Nothing, Anyway?

Good question. Maybe you feel like you just don’t want to waste time talking about nothing. You would rather spend your energy finding people who you can have interesting conversations with, learning about your favorite hobby, enjoying your favorite video game or changing the world. These are all great things to do, and you should definitely do what you want to.

But you should also find time to make small talk with people and socialize. This gives you much different feelings than other activities ever could. It brings balance to your life, makes you feel connected to other human beings and most importantly, it is what we were meant to do naturally.

You’re supposed to be able to make conversation naturally and talk about almost anything, except your shyness gets in the way.

Fortunately, there are several techniques you can use to make words flow out of your mouth like water in a stream, many  helped me overcome my own shyness immensely.

How Do I Talk About Nothing?

Did you ever see someone you’d like to say “Hello” to, and then proceed to play out exactly how you’re going to say it and what funny remark you’re going to say?

Don’t do that. First of all, it’s too much effort to think through everything you’re going to say. It’s like having a “filter” between a brain and your mouth, only letting through the few remarks that pass your high standards.

You have to stop thinking about what you’re going to say before you say it. Don’t think when you’re talking. Don’t decide on what you’re going to say.

Keep your mind completely blank, and just let whatever wants to come out, come out.

Essentially, what you’re doing is making talking subconscious. You stop relying on your brain and start relying on your instincts and “gut feeling”. You no longer have to actively think about or worry about what you’re going to say next. This does take some getting used to, but soon find small talk a breeze and actually really FUN!

What To Do When Talking

When you’re talking, you have to be in the moment.

Shy people are usually off in their own little head (I would know) thinking about something they just said, how funny or horrible it was. Or they’re worrying about what they’re going to have to say next, how to sound more natural and not make things awkward.

This is the worst thing you could possibly do if you want to have a natural conversation.

It’s because of this that you sometimes run out of things to say. It isn’t like you have nothing to say. You have a whole lifetime of experiences and knowledge. The real problem is not what to say, but being so focused on what to say next, that you think it has to be funny and interesting and witty.

The truth is, people don’t remember most conversations, so it’s useless having something great to say every time it is your turn to talk. Instead, you have to practice speaking without thinking. This lets you relax and enjoy conversations, being able to say whatever “feels” right.

To be able to do this, you can’t be thinking 10 seconds into the future or 10 seconds into the past. You have to be in the moment.

“What If I Say Something Stupid?”

If you don’t run through whatever you’re going to say in your head, how do you know what you’re actaully going to say?

You don’t. You just have to trust that over many years of conversation and hearing other people talk, you have enough knowledge to be able to come up with what to say automatically. This takes a leap of faith at the beginning.

You’ve been thinking about what to say for so long, that just talking without a filter will seem unnatural at first. Trust me, it’s much easier and it’s how most people talk.

“How Do I Stop Thinking?”

[I'll write a future article on this.]

“I’m Too Smart.”

Maybe you still think “regular people” are too different from you. You couldn’t be more wrong.

There are plenty of very smart and social people out there. You being smart and shy has nothing to do with you being a genius, you’ve just gotten into the habit of not talking. And you can break habits.

Here’s What I Do When Meeting New People

Have you ever seen someone you’d like to meet? Maybe it was an attractive girl or guy you really liked, or someone at your work.

If you’re like I used to be, you think about what you could say when you approach them. You think of what would make them think you were funny and interesting. Usually you spend all your time thinking, and make yourself so nervous, that you end up never approaching them. Does that sound like you?

Recently, I modified the tips I shared above to these situations. Now I can approach and meet just about anyone and strike up a conversation, even a stranger off the street.

This is what I do now: When I see someone I want to meet, I give myself 3 seconds to walk over to them. I don’t hesitate, and don’t think for even a second. I keep my mind completely blank and trust that I’m going to have something to say. Sometimes it’s as simple as: “Hi, I’m Sean”, and you wouldn’t believe some of the other things I’ve come up with on the spot!

And the best part is, you wouldn’t believe how fun this is!  After a couple of times getting rejected, you start getting confident. [I'll write an article on confidence soon.]

The secret is to not think. You don’t know what you’re going to say, and that’s okay.

Summary

So here’s a list of the main points I’ve covered:

• It doesn’t matter what you talk about because people forget most conversations completely a few days after they happen.
• It’s a lot easier to let yourself talk naturally, without “filtering” what you’re going to say next.
• You have to be in the moment, not thinking about what happened 10 seconds ago or what you should say 10 seconds in the future.
• You have to build the habit of relying on your subconscious mind or instincts to come up with the right thing to say automatically.
• Most people have no idea what’s going to come out of their mouth, even as they’re talking. That’s the level you want to be at.

Next time you’re in a conversation, don’t think. You want to get this down so well that you don’t even have to think about not thinking, it just comes naturally.

Image used under Creative Commons license by Jsome1.