This isn’t unusual. Many shy people get this thrill. They think that if they were going to die in 2 weeks, they really wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore and their shyness would just disappear. Would this actually happen…or would the person continue to be shy?

What!?!! Is there even a possibility that knowing you’re going to die in 2 weeks wouldn’t change your shyness one bit? I know this is a little hard to accept, but in this article I’ll show you the following:

• Why you may be frustrated because, in theory, it seems so simple to just “pretend you’re going to die” and overcome shyness that way. But when it comes to cold hard reality, you still have that mental block in place that stops you from really living and expressing yourself without nervousness.
• How to use the psychology behind “dying in 2 weeks” to help you overcome your shyness, and get that feeling of being the one in control of your life with no excuses to hold you back.

Why Knowing You’re Gonna Be Dead Soon May Not Work

Many shy people have what I call the “Fixing Mindset”. They think that if only they could fix something about themselves, then they wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore.

Shy people are a lot more critical of themselves than others. They have a very low self-image and may blame their shyness on many different OUTSIDE factors, like having bad teeth, being overweight or having uncool clothes. They think that if only they could get that fixed, they would be okay and wouldn’t be so self-conscious anymore.

Often they finally “fix” the problem, but they’re still the same person. Nothing has changed, really. And they may even look for a new thing that needs “fixing”, just as a way of justifying why they are still shy.

The interesting thing is, there are many outgoing, popular and social people out there with the exact same problems as the shy people, but it doesn’t affect them. They live regular, happy lives and have lots of friends.

So what’s the difference? The difference is that shy people always think that something about them needs to be “fixed” when really, the REAL problem is how the thing AFFECTS them inside. If it didn’t AFFECT them, it wouldn’t need to be fixed. They wouldn’t even be aware of the “problem”!

What Does This Have To Do With Dying?

Many shy people are attracted to the idea of being told they’re going to die in 2 weeks because it gives them the feeling that something inside would be “fixed”. The feeling of relief or excitement you get when thinking of how you would behave if you were gonna die in 2 weeks is there because you think it’ll fix the main problem that’s holding you back.

The problem of facing your fears.

If you were going to die in 2 weeks, what could you be afraid of? Being confident in front of a large group of people? Kissing a random stranger? Going out on a date? There really isn’t anything left to fear, once you know you’re going to die in 2 weeks. You know you’re a goner anyway, so none of this would matter, would it?

Why Does Dying In 2 Weeks Work So Well At “Fixing” Fear?

The secret isn’t in the “dying” part of the idea, but in “2 weeks”. Knowing there’s ONLY 2 weeks gives you a deadline that you have to meet.

Once there’s a deadline, you know that there’s no more time to screw around or avoid taking risks or be afraid of silly things like parties and attractive girls/guys. All these things become small and insignificant, because you only have a limited amount of time left!

How To Die In 2 Weeks Or 2 Months Or 2 Years…

“This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

First you have to know, not fear, but know that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you have no sense of urgency. You think you have all the time in the world to do amazing things, but you may not live to see that particular someday.

That’s the trick behind how to get the feeling you’re going to die in 2 weeks: YOU ACTUALLY ARE! Okay, maybe not 2 weeks, but there’s a definite number. 

If you’re 20 years old, and can expect to live up to 80, the you have 3122 weeks left to live.

Next week it’s going to be 3121.

Photo by Dazzie D

Either way, they may be holding you down from overcoming your shyness.

Do you ever feel more shy around your family? Do you feel weird being around and talking to people your own age or of the opposite sex when some members of your family are around? Does it feel weird when you try to be more outgoing and sometimes seem like your family wants you to keep being shy?

There are several reasons why you feel this way, and 3 major ones:

Reason 1: You Care What They Think

This is the biggie. It’s hard not to care what your family thinks. You may worry they judge how you act, who you know or what clothes you wear. If you’re a teenager or living at or near your parent’s home, it can be even more difficult. But this is the cause of the other two reasons.

One way to stop caring so much is to get a life. I mean it. Seek out new friends, new interests, and outside groups. If you have a life outside of the house you’ll stop caring as much about what your family thinks because they will become only part of your life, instead of being there always.

By the way, I know “get outside interests and friends” is a lot easier for me to say than it is to actually do. I know what it’s like to be shy and feel stuck inside the house. It’s like having an invisible barrier holding you down and you wish something would just “snap” and make your life better. Right now I’m writing a section in my book (in-progress) that talks about a psychological technique called “Pattern Interrupts”. It’s a little-known way to break out of these loops shy people get stuck in, and it’s REALLY exciting stuff.

Reason 2: Won’t They Notice If You Change?

You’re afraid of suddenly acting more confident and talking less quiet because you don’t want your family to notice. This goes back to Reason 1, But there’s actually a much easier solution for this feeling.

Yes, they may notice you changing, but they won’t mind. If they do, it’s because they feel like they’re “losing control” over you. Some outgoing people feel more important around shy people because they like being able to boss them around and dominate over them. If your family doesn’t want you to change, hang around them less (see #1).

Also, it’s generally expected that shy people need some time to “break out of their shell”. You won’t really be surprising anyone.

Reason 3: They Know You’re Shy

It’s very hard to change the impression of you that your family has built up over many years. Maybe they see you as “a shy person”. The worst part about this is, the impression they’ve built up is like an elastic band. There’s no way to gradually make them see you as a more and more confident person. It will just snap back to “shy guy/girl”.

The “Pattern Interrupt” technique that I mentioned above in my shyness book is the simplest way to solve this problem, but since it’s not out yet, I’ll give you a different solution…

Get away for a bit. If you’re leaving for college or moving to a new, faraway job soon, that would be the best solution.

If they only start to see you occasionally, instead of every day, they will have to reevaluate and change their initial impression of you. They expect you to change if they haven’t seen you for a while. There’s also a second bonus to getting away.

People Have Expectations They Expect You To Live Up To

People generally behave as others expect them to behave. If your friends know you are shy, they won’t like it if you are suddenly loud. That’s not because they don’t want you to stop being shy, but it just seems weird. An outgoing, funny guy who is well-known will have every one’s attention as soon as he enters a room. That’s because everybody expects him to be outgoing and funny, and he plays into that expectation.

But in a different place, where no one has any expectations of what kind of person you are, you can “pretend” to be confident and change a lot more rapidly.

Imagine travelling to a new city. You could hop onto an airplane, and in a few hours, you’re in a totally different place. You could be who ever you want to be in that place. That’s the feeling “getting away” gives you.

It’s like an instant shyness cure.

Summary

In this article, here’s what you’ve read:

• There are many reasons for you to feel like your family is holding you back from changing.
• What it all comes down to is you caring what they think. You can start caring less by building interests outside of your home and eventually, by having a social life.
• They may notice if you start changing. Usually it’s expected for a shy person to take some time to “break out of your shell”.
• They know you’re shy, and expect you to continue being the same person. One way to get around this is to get away from your family for a bit. Move away, and only see them occasionally. Maybe it’s college or a new job. 
• Getting away from your family for a bit will give you the opportunity to meet people who don’t know you’re shy and you can “pretend” to be confident. This is the fastest way to change.

Photo by hrtmnstrfr

Suddenly, you see someone coming towards you on the sidewalk. You start to freak out inside. Immediately you get this sudden urge to cross the street or turn back, but they’ve already seen you. It would look weird.

It’s a guy and he’s getting closer. You go into complete anxiety mode. Your heart starts racing, your stomach is turning over, and you feel clumsy and awkward. You start to analyze everylittle thing you do, right down to how you walk and where you should look. You wonder what’s the “normal” thing to do?

Why Do Shy People Feel This Way?

Be honest, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you walked past someone the wrong way? Even if you stared at them a little too long or you walked strangely or whatever. You still wouldn’t get hurt or be affected in any long-term way in most places in today’s society.

So where do the anxious feelings come from? Why do you get them when you see a total stranger coming towards you?

It comes down to how humans evolved. In our years of evolution, showing outward defiance (direct eye contact) to someone of higher status than you could get you hurt, killed or kicked out of the tribe. It was in your best interest to worry about how you passed the dominant male leader of the tribe so that he wouldn’t accidentally mistake you for competition. So the anxiety is a “leftover” feeling from those days.

Shyness Or Survival Instinct?

The feeling comes from a place of “survival”, more than it comes from “shyness”. Even non-shy people get the feeling. Imagine a normally confident, regular middle-aged man walking down a deserted street. Suddenly he sees a group of gang members walking towards him. He doesn’t want to give the gang members a reason to attack him, but at the same time, he also doesn’t want to look like he would be an easy target for a mugging. He starts to go through the same anxiety you go do. Heart racing, stomach flops, analyzing everything he’s doing. 

The same feeling comes when almost anyone walks by a person they find attractive. You immediately think the attractive person is higher status than you are, because of their looks, and you get nervous. But instead of trying not to piss a high status person off, in this case you’re trying to impress them. Which leads to analyzing and awkwardness because of your shyness.

The big difference in  shy people is that they feel almost everyone is higher status than them. That’s why you get the anxious feeling when you pass ordinary, harmless people. That’s the cause of your problem. Need more proof?

What Happens When You Pass An Old Person On The Street?

Do you ever feel more comfortable passing old people than people your own age or younger?

It’s not that they’re friendlier. The truth is, you perceive old people in general to be lower social status than yourself (even if they are a lot more outgoing and social). You do this because they can’t usually fight or dominate. Several thousand years ago, it was very unlikely that an old person was an important leader that you were afraid of offending.

I realize some of this sounds kind of like pseudo-logic, but you have to understand that the human species has been evolving for millions of years. It was only in the last few hundred that modern society was formed. A lot of the stuff people do, they do because it’s been built-in to us over ages. And we usually don’t realize to what extent these built-in responses govern our actions.

So What Should You Do When Walking By A Stranger?

I could tell you how long to hold eye contact, where to look and how you should walk when approaching someone to make the best impression, instead I’ll say: IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER! There is no “normal” way to walk past someone.

I’m going to tell you the truth here, and the truth is that no one notices how you act when they walk by. It’s not that they don’t see you. They see, but they don’t care. No normal person thinks about it afterwards or gives it a second thought. Even if you do something really weird as you walk by, they will forget about it in 30 seconds. Why? Because it doesn’t affect them.

A Couple Tips

First, try not to look down at the ground as you pass people. It doesn’t matter to the person that’s passing by, but it should matter to you. Looking down broadcasts that you’re shy and unconfident through your body language. Look up and get used to doing it. Break the habit. After a while it won’t be so hard.

Second, pretend you’re the other person, and you’re walking towards yourself. This will give you a new perspective, and you’ll see that by feeling nervous you’re just making yourself look worse. You need to relax and then simply think about something else. Take the person walking towards you out of your mind completely. The less you think the less you’ll feel anxious.

Summary

Here’s what’s been covered in this article:

• The anxious feelings you get when you walk by someone comes from thousands of years of evolution. It’s more about “survival” than “shyness”.
• Everyone gets this type of anxiety sometimes. Shy people get it all of the time because they believe almost everyone is higher status than them.
• It doesn’t really matter what you do, because the other person either won’t notice or won’t care. They’ll be too busy worrying about themselves and their own issues.

The next time you’re walking down the street, and you see someone coming at you, you’ll still get the feeling. But something will be different. Now that you know where it comes from and that it is perfectly normal, the feeling will “lose its edge”. You’ll realize the other person is judging you even less than you’re judging them, which is zero. And you will feel like you’ve been given a new perspective on shyness.

Don’t believe me? Go outside and try it.

Photo by da100fotos

They just don’t get it.

In most situations, your body language should be used to make other people think you are a confident, sociable person. First you have to be aware of what you are now doing wrong to be able to fix it.

After you start to see what you’re doing wrong, you’ll have to consciously fix it. But after a while, it becomes habit and confident body language will become natural to you. You want to get to the point where you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

1. Darting eyes

Being insecure makes you want to “watch out” for anything that is going on around you. Your eyes constantly dart everywhere, and you probably don’t even realize it, unless someone videotapes you.

The opposite of this is strong, relaxed eye contact. No matter what you believe, people DO make eye contact. Even with complete strangers. It only makes you uncomfortable, not the other person.

2. Fidgeting

This is the main thing shy people do when they’re really nervous. 

First of all, you have to realize when you are doing it, and stop. Plant your feet in one spot, relax your arms at your sides, and take your hands off of your face. You have to learn to relax in social situations. The best way to do this is to act like you are already relaxed on the outside.

3. Stumbling over words

Social people let words FLOW out of their mouth. They never go back to a word they mispronounced and repeat it.

The real problem here is that social pressure gets to your head, and makes you talk differently. I’m sure there are some people who you have no problem talking smoothly to. To fix the problem of stumling over words, you have to increase your tolerance to being in social situations.

4. Tentative gestures

Most shy people have a very limited range of expression. This goes for their voice and their body language. They aren’t confident enough to make broad, sweeping gestures, dance, or have a wide range of tonality in their voice.

One quick tip I can give you is practice. Practice making gestures in the mirror. See how tentative gestures make you look shy, and how BIG gestures make you look like a regular person.

5. Nervous habits

You can’t fake body language. What you think on the inside will broadcast on the outside. There are a whole lot of insecure habits shy people have that affect their outer confidence.

6. Staring at the floor

Whatever you do, don’t look down. A lot of shy people get into the habit of looking at the ground. They “watch out” for obstacles in their way. Try not looking down for a day. At first you may be scared of tripping, but soon you’ll get used to it. It’s all about breaking the habit. Keep your chin up, ALWAYS, and your posture straight but relaxed.

One thing you’ll find, is that by acting confident on the outside, you’ll soon start feeling more confident on the inside, all the time.

And isn’t that fun?

Photo by Toni Blay

And then you see these same people giving their full attention to other people, who are seen as being popular.

Doesn’t that just piss you off? I remember that used to happen to me all of the time. It seemed like everybody cared about themselves and other social people, but nobody seemed to care what I had to say, even if I tried to be more outgoing. Even if what I said was funny or interesting.

Why Does This Happen?

To understand why this happens, you have to first understand one basic but VERY important idea: Social Value. (I wrote a whole post explaining social value here.)

Here’s the basic overview: In every interaction between two people, one person is higher status. He or she may be better-connected socially, more dominant, a better leader, or just more popular with everyone. For girls, good looks also are a factor.

So one person is always “cooler”. The person who is lower status usually ends up “trying harder” to get the high status person’s approval. Even you do this.

Are you ever much more energetic or do you try harder than usual to come up with something interesting to say when you’re talking to someone popular and well-known?

You Try Harder To Get Them To Like You

And I bet you’re much more laid back and “natural”, much less shy, when you’re talking to someone most people think is a loser?

I know it sucks when you are on the lower end of this “social value scale”, but it’s very important to see how this works. And to understand that everybody does this unconsciously. They don’t know they are doing it. You probably didn’t even realize you were doing the thing you hate to othe people until now.

But here’s a warning: now that you understand that people pay more attention to people of higher status, and almost ignore people who are lower status, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THIS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Why Do You (And Everyone Else) Do This?

 People are selfish. I’m not going to try to convince you of this here, but it’s true. Whatever people do, they do to please themselves.

It’s an idea I came across in advertising books. Almost all of the best advertisements in history succeeded because they were aimed at solving a problem someone had.

They didn’t say “Buy This Product Now!”, instead they said “Do You Have This Problem?” and then led the prospect to see the advertiser’s product as being the solution to the problem.

You are selfish by nature. Even people who donate to charity do it because of the feeling donating gives them. That feeling is worth more to them than the money they give, so it’s a good deal.

Everyone’s Climbing The Ladder

Because you’re selfish, you are always trying to better your current situation and climb higher up the social ladder.

You do this by befriending people who are above you on it. People below you won’t make a difference or they may even lower your social value.

That’s why many people don’t care about their interactions with shy people, but place so much importance when they’re talking to someone popular. They want to go up, not down, and shy people are naturally low status.

It’s a function built into humans to be able to survive. We don’t need it as much today as we did in our caveman days.

How Do You Reverse It?

If you want to make people care about you, you have to make them believe you are higher social status than they are.

This has nothing to do with showing off or being loud. It has nothing to do with how many friends you have, or how interesting you are.

I’ll give you a hint: It’s all about your personality. And your personality is NOT “who you are”, it’s what you do. It’s your habits and behaviors. 

Your behaviors need to shift from neediness to indifference.

I’m working on a book right now that explains exactly how do that, and how to transform yourself from a low status person to high status. I don’t want to spoil the surprise in this one article.

The Summary:

So what can you learn from what I’ve taught you above?

• In every human interaction, there is always a person who has higher social status.
• It is natural for the lower status person to “try harder“ to become the high status person’s friend.
• The higher status person usually doesn’t give much attention to the lower status one, because it doesn’t give him/her any benefit. (Actually, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the not caring makes the person seem high status.)
• In order to make people care, you have to know what habits and behaviors make people think you are low status, and reverse them. These habits are very closely related to shyness and social phobia.

The good news for you is, this website is all about the habits and behaviors of shy people, and how to change them.

Photo by dhammza

You feel fear. Intense, shaking fear that rattles through your whole body.

Suddenly there’s a man standing at the opposite end of the room. He yells at you: “Don’t worry! This type of snake doesn’t bite!” Do you feel any different?

After all, the man does give you more information. So there are now two conflicting parts of your brain. One feels fear. The other tries to logically convince the first part not to feel fear.

This is a lot like how shyness works.

First, What Is Shyness Exactly?

I know it’s a stupid question, but this is key.

Many shy people get confused into thinking shyness is something it’s not. When they are young, someone may tell them, “You’re shy.”  This assumes that shyness is a trait of a person. It’s something they are born with or have developed over time to become a part of them, like their hair. Or like being athletic or overweight or hairy. But the scary truth is, shyness isn’t a trait.

Think about it: Are you shy all the time? Even when you’re by yourself? Are you equally shy when you’re talking to someone new as when you’re talking to your closest friend?

Shyness is a reaction. It’s a feeling someone gets in response to certain situations. The amount and the type of reaction someone feels depends on the situation. Shyness isn’t something you are, it’s something you feel, sometimes.

So What?

It’s a reaction, and you can’t control the reaction. Just like you can’t control the fear you get when you see a deadly snake coming at you.

And that means you’re not going to cure your shyness by thinking about it logically. But that’s what most shy people try to do.

No amount of saying “It’s no big deal. It’s just a conversation/speech/girl/guy.” is going to stop that intense physical and emotional response you have in social situations.

The response that makes you want to run away and hide because you’re so nervous.

Shyness Isn’t A Choice

Shyness isn’t a choice, it’s actually much closer to fear than anything else. That means the only way to overcome it is to work smarter, not harder.

The problem isn’t to make yourself “feel less shy”, because you can’t make that choice. The real problem usually runs much deeper.

What I’ve come to realize is that it’s a problem of not facing your fears in life, in general.

Wrap Up

What can you learn from what I said above?

• Shyness isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction.
• You can’t logically convince yourself not to feel shy by thinking, because shyness is automatic. You don’t decide to do it or not based on facts. It’s there or it’s not.
• Therefore the only way to cure shyness is to attack it indirectly. You can’t tell yourself not to feel shy as you are doing it, no matter how many “good reasons” you have not to be shy. You have to fix your shyness by fixing other, underlying issues.

There’s something so much bigger at stake here…and overcoming this issue will lead to success in many other areas of your life. Stick with it!

Photo by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

In the beginning, the young elephant tries to escape. It struggles against the rope that holds it in place. For several days, the rope keeps rubbing the same spot on the elephant’s leg. The rope finally wears through the elephant’s tough outer skin, and cuts into the elephant’s soft pink flesh. The pain is excruciating. It’s the worst thing the animal has ever felt.

The elephant soon learns that pulling and struggling against the rope will only bring him pain, so he doesn’t struggle anymore.

The elephant grows to be a 12,000 pound monster-sized animal. It could physically crush the animal trainer like a small bug. But it doesn’t.

The animal trainer still keeps it tied up. To the same short wooden stake. If the elephant tried, it could snap the wooden stake in half by simply shifting its weight. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t think it can break free of the stake because of the early experiences it had trying to break free. It thinks the outcome will be pain, instead of freedom.

Elephants are really not that different from shy people in this way.

Do You Avoid Wearing Nicer Looking Clothes Because You Worry About What Other People Will Think Of You?

Some shy people have this problem: You may tend to wear the most plain looking clothes, even stupid looking clothes. You feel ashamed, anxious and shy to wear clothes that you have been said to look good in.

Basically, you run away from positive attention as much as from negative attention. But then you also regret it when people of the opposite sex ignore you when you dress like a loser. Or when other people look at you skeptically, probably mocking your dress sense.

Why Do You Do This?

It all comes down to social value or status, and what you believe your social value is. It’s where you think you “fit” in the social ladder.

See, you have an identity in your mind that you have developed over time and become attached to. That identity is based on what you think other people think of you. Acting outside of that identity is hard to do. It’s the main reason why shy people feel “held back” from expressing themselves fully.

If you think other people think you’re a loser when you wear stupid clothes, then wearing cool clothes will make you feel like a fraud. It won’t feel natural, for a reason that goes back to the days people lived in caves.

Acting outside of the identity you have of yourself activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. This is a survival mechanism. Back when humans just needed to survive, it wasn’t a good idea for everyone to be high social value. There had to be a few key leaders to keep tribes running smoothly, and they needed to be securely in power. It wouldn’t do the whole tribe any good if every week some new guy came along and thought he could be the leader.

Going back to the elephant example, it wouldn’t help the animal trainers if the elephant suddenly realized that he was able to overpower them and break free.

If you are shy, then you tend to act based on what you’ve been conditioned to do in the past, not what you are actually capable of. You are afraid to act too confident or dress clothes that look too good because of invisible constraints you put on yourself from the past.

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.

How Does This Work?

Imagine a popular, macho guy. It makes sense to think he would be uncomfortable walking down the street in clothes that weren’t cool, like a pink dress.

But many people are confused that the same applies for people who try to dress above their status. Like if an unpopular guy suddenly got an attractive shirt that made him stand out. He’s been conditioned that he has low social value, so the shirt makes him feel like he’s going against what other people really think of him.

How Can I Get Rid Of This Feeling?

The good news is, you aren’t an elephant and you aren’t a caveman. (I hope) It is possible to get rid of your insecurity over time, simply because you are aware of it now.

The bad news is that there’s no “magic button”. I can’t make you suddenly feel comfortable wearing cool clothes. The only way to do it is to change how you think about social interaction at a fundamental level. The only way to make yourself comfortable is to change your identity.Then the clothes will feel “right”, and uncool clothes will make you uncomfortable.

You have to change what you think other people think of you. Now, I know you can’t change what other people think of you. You can’t control their thoughts. But you can change what you think they think.

This is related to building self-confidence, which I’ll write more about in the future. At first you may think you’re fooling yourself, then slowly you will find yourself actually becoming a cool person for real.

Won’t People Notice If I Change?

Maybe some of your close friends will, but they’ll get used to it.

The process of wearing cooler clothes actually runs counter intuitive to much of the advice I give. The key is to switch completely, not gradually. Decide on a date when you won’t wear any of your old clothes, then buy cool clothes to last you for at least a week. Then get rid of most of your old clothes.

Don’t think you can do that? That’s your identity talking. Don’t worry. I’m working on more posts, so check back to this blog often. I’m also working on a book aimed to completely change you from a shy person to an outgoing person.

The Big Picture

• Your feelings come from how you think other people perceive you. The key is to change your thoughts, not other people’s.
• A guy or girl who thinks they are low status won’t want to go against this identity they have decided on. Going against it activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It’s a survival mechanism.
• The only cure is to change how you think other people perceive you.

Photo by Adam Foster

That’s the headline of thePopularLife.com. The website sells an ebook called “Popular”. The guy behind the website seems like a jerk. The important thing is: does he actually know what he’s talking about?

I purchased the ebook to see if it would help shy people become more social, and to find out if there were any new ideas in it. Does the ebook live up to the claims?

What’s The Ebook Actually About?

First thing you have to know: The target audience for this book isn’t someone who is already social and wants to become really popular. The target audience is people who are shy, introverted or socially anxious.

Here’s what else I can tell you: The ebook isn’t about giving you lines to use the next time you’re talking to someone. It’s more focused on how to change your personality so that you are able to come up with your own lines and be relaxed in many social situations. It’s about giving you a new perspective on social interaction.

Do you know that feeling you get just before entering a social situation? The nervous suspenseful feeling around your chest and shoulders? This ebook aims to get rid of that, so you can become a person who naturally enjoys being around other people. It tries to transform you from an introvert to an extrovert.

The phrase “manipulative psychology” is a marketing gimmick, in my opinion. It’s more about using psychology to change how you behave and react. By doing that you indirectly change how other people react to you.

But It’s Not All Good

It’s a very short book at 56 pages, considering the price. But that does make it possible to read it in one sitting.

The author also takes a while to warm up. The best information in the ebook is near the back half.

Will Buying It Make You Popular?

No. Did you really think it was that easy? Buying the ebook won’t make you popular, even though using it might…

In case you were looking for something to magically make you popular, there are two things you need to know:

1. Changing your personality is a gradual process by nature and it’s going to take time and commitment. While this book can provide you with the tools, it cannot do the work for you. Remember that you always have to remain active.

2. Perhaps the most important factor in your own success is going to be whether you put the effort into changing your own personality for a significant amount of time or not. You must approach this book as something you’’re going to gear every aspect of your life around. You have to be working at it all the time. There is no such thing as a part-time commitment, or taking my suggestions “now and then”, it must be followed constantly.

Is It A Scam?

No. It’s just a guy selling his book. He does have some weird marketing, but he isn’t going to run with your money.

If anything, his marketing is actually too good. Some people may get the impression that he is selling something that will magically solve all their problems for them overnight. What he is actually selling is a down-to-earth, practical guide to getting rid of your most common antisocial behaviours and replacing them with better ones.

Table Of Contents

Here’s what’s in the book:

INTRODUCTION

• WHAT YOU WON’T FIND IN THIS BOOK
• HOW TO HANDLE THIS BOOK
• WHY IS PERSONALITY IMPORTANT?

PERSONALITY STARTERS

• UNIMAGINABLE BENEFITS
• SOME REWARDS OF A NEW PERSONALITY
• WHAT IS REQUIRED?

GET IN THE MOOD

• THIS ISN’T ABOUT MORALS OR BEING A GOOD PERSON
• WON’T PEOPLE NOTICE IF I CHANGE?

ATTRIBUTES OF THE SUCCESSFUL

• BECOME AN OPPORTUNIST
• I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY
• WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME THE WAY I AM?

DYNAMICS OF CHANGE

• HOW THE PROCESS WORKS
• ISN’T IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY?

DEFINING BETTER

• WHAT MAKES A GOOD PERSONALITY?
• WHAT TO CHANGE INTO

INITIAL RULES OF SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• YOU MUST CONFORM
• IMITATING OTHERS

ACTING VS. NATURAL CHANGE

• BACKBONES OF PERSONALITY
• TO REITERATE: YOU ARE NOT AN ACTOR
• HOW PERSONALITIES CHANGE
• WORK AND TIME

BARRIERS TO SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• PERCEIVED OBSTACLES
• ADMITTING TO YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE
• COMBATING INDIVIDUALISM

ACCEPT THE UNPLEASANT

• DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF

ORIGIN OF PERSONALITY

• YOU’RE NOT BORN WITH A PERSONALITY
• HOW FUTURE EXPERIENCES ARE ALTERED BY PAST ONES

PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONING

• TALKING TO YOURSELF
• HOW TO STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF (SELF COMMUNICATION)
• INTROVERT TO EXTROVERT
• INTELLIGENT ACTING PEOPLE ARE THE UNHAPPIEST
• CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

BEHAVING IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS

• NOBODY LIKES PEOPLE WHO ARE NEGATIVE
• SMILE MORE
• TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR

GETTING INSIDE PEOPLE’S HEADS

• WE ALL WANT TO BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT SAME WAY
• GAIN TRUST BY LETTING PEOPLE DOWN ON IRRELEVANT POINTS
• BEING “CALLED” ON INCONSISTENCIES

PURSUE CONVERSATIONS

• MAINTAINING/FORMING RELATIONSHIPS 
• GO AFTER THE RIGHT PEOPLE
• IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S THAT YOU SAY IT
• YOUR COMMENT GOES SEEMINGLY UNNOTICED

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

• LOSE WEIGHT IF NEED BE
• IF YOU HAVE A BEARD, GET RID OF IT

LOSE THE IRRATIONAL DREAMS

• YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD

HANDLING CONVERSATION

• OTHER PEOPLE LIKE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM
• YOU ALSO DON’T NEED TO HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY IN GROUP CONVERSATIONS
• THE ONLY PERSON STANDING IN YOUR WAY IS YOURSELF
• GETTING OVER NERVOUSNESS OF TALKING TO PEOPLE
• YOU DON’T NEED AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO SOMEONE
• HOW TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

TAKING CONTROL OF PEOPLE 

• ACT LIKE YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL
• BECOME A SALESMAN

CLOSING POINTS 

Final Thoughts

Overall, The Popular Life Ebook is a very good guide for someone who is shy wanting to get better. If you follow the steps the author lays out, it’s virtually impossible not to become more social.

You have to overlook the author’s personality and actually put his ideas into practice to get the most out of his book.

The best part about this book, is that it’s different. There were things in it that I’d never heard before, and I’ve read a lot of books on these subjects. Some of the ideas he presents are so simple that when you first read them you think he’s bullshitting you. The truth is, being popular isn’t supposed to be complicated. It’s mostly a matter of changing certain fundamental behaviours that you’ve developed.

At $29.95, your decision to buy depends on two things:

1. If you can afford it.
2. How much becoming more social is worth to you.

Here’s the link: The Popular Life | Become More Popular

If you do buy it, please post your own comment below so that other people in your situation can benefit in the future.

There’s a right way to use sarcasm that makes other people think you’re funny. There’s also a wrong way that makes people see you as an antisocial loser from a mile away. What’s worse is that both ways look very similar on the surface. Most shy people accidentally use sarcasm the wrong way.

Do you want to know what the difference is between the right way and the wrong way?

The Wrong Way:

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “Make sure you don’t look in the knife drawer. We obviously don’t keep knives in there.”

The Right Way

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

The right way to use sarcasm is to not use it at all. Bob was just asking a straightforward question. Most people would answer it in a straightforward way. Shy people have the urge to use sarcasm for several reasons.

Why Do Shy People Use Sarcasm?

It’s a way to hide your true feelings.You have trouble coming up with something REAL to say, so you resort to sarcasm as a way to talk.

Using sarcasm is also the easiest way to give other people the impression of self confidence. It helps break the ice when you meet someone new.

Unfortunately, sarcasm gets annoying really fast. WhenI talk to other shy people from the perspective of an outgoing person, it can be frustrating. I might be  just asking general questions, and I keep getting sarcastic replies, like the other person doesn’t know how to make normal everyday conversation.

That’s why you should learn to use sarcasm the right way. People will get annoyed at you, but you’ll just keep saying sarcastic things. Soon nobody will be too enthusiastic to talk to you.

How Can I Stop Using Sarcasm?

First, learn how to make small talk and carry on a conversation. I’ll be making more posts on this in the future and may even write a small ebook on it soon. Keep checking back to this website for more tips.

The reason why you have to learn how to make small talk is because you need to have something to say. The main reason why you use sarcasm so much is because you have nothing else of substance to tell the other person. Sarcasm is a crutch that helps you actually say something once in a while.

By learning basic conversational skills you replace sarcasm with better habits.

Give Straightforward Replies

If someone asks you a question, even if the answer is stupidly simple and obvious, don’t use sarcasm. Just answer their question. If you follow through with the tip I gave you above, and learn some conversational skills, you won’t need sarcasm to say something or express yourself anymore.

Example of the Right Way: (from above)

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

See how easy it is?

What Else Will I Talk About?

Many shy people are scared to stop using sarcasm because they’re afraid that without it, they’ll stop talking completely. This isn’t true. Think of all the outgoing people you’ve seen. Most of them almost never use sarcasm, yet they still talk and connect with people. 

The reason why you’re scared is because the main way you talk to people is by answering their questions. Outside of that, you don’t know what you’re supposed to talk about. By using these windows of opportunity when people ask you something to be sarcastic, you might get a quick laugh and feel more social for a minute.

But if you don’t talk to someone outside of answering their questions sarcastically, no real friendship or relationship is possible.

Won’t I Lose My Personality?

Sarcasm isn’t part of your personality. Sarcasm is a habit you’ve developed over time.

It’s a habit you should try to get rid of because of all the reasons I told you above. Sarcasm may be a short-term solution if you want to feel less antisocial, but it won’t make you less antisocial. All it does is give you a small, bitter type of feeling that you aren’t that shy, that lasts for about 20 seconds.

The only way to become less shy is to learn how to talk to people. To do this you’re going to have to give up the old habits you developed being shy. That includes sarcasm.

And one more thing. You don’t have to be sarcastic to be funny. The main thing to remember is that sarcasm is funny to most people only for the first one or two times. Then it gets boring to talk to you. Believe me, there are many, many ways to be funny without using sarcasm.

Aren’t Some Outgoing People Sarcastic?

Yes, there are plenty of people who aren’t shy and are sarcastic. Does this mean sarcasm isn’t related to shyness?

The answer lies in when outgoing people use shyness compared to when shy people do. An outgoing person can talk normally and be sarcastic and people will find him or her funny.

When a shy person uses sarcasm, it is only after someone has asked them a question. That’s the key point.

If you want to overcome shyness, you have to learn how to carry on a real conversation, without using automated sarcastic replies to questions all the time. I know the idea makes you a little nervous inside because sarcasm is a comfort mechanism for many shy people.

Sarcasm For Shy People: Step-By-Step

Here’s a quick run-down of the guide to sarcasm for shy people:

1. Sarcasm is what shy people do when they don’t have anything REAL to say. If you really want to overcome shyness, you have to give up being sarcastic.
2. Replace sarcasm by learning conversation skills and small talk.
3. Give straightforward replies to straightforward questions. Avoid sarcasm at all costs.

By now you realize you don’t need sarcasm. If you want to get over being shy, it’s something you’re going to have to give up.

Try this: the next time you’re tempted to give someone a sarcastic reply, try giving them a straightforward answer. See how it goes. What have you got to lose?

Photo by Gytis

Suddenly, your mind goes blank.

What do you do? You desperately try to think of something to say, and an awkward silence falls across the class. They’re all looking at you. Everybody’s watching.

Suddenly you’re not sure where you should put your hands. You move them awkwardly to the back edge of your desk, and you feel how cold and sweaty they are. But there’s no time to worry about that. You have to say something, anything. Quick!

You blurt out an answer. Why does your voice sound so weird? Everyone keeps looking at you for some reason. Now your voice sounds a little better. You wish the teacher would move on with the other people in the class…

What Did You Do Wrong?

Maybe that situation has happened to you before. Maybe it’s happened to you many times. Or maybe some other, similar situation has happened. It’s happened to me, and it happens to most people who are shy, for a reason.

The reason is shy people tend be preoccupied about what other people think of them. In the classroom, you were very aware that everyone was watching you. You didn’t want to mess up.

You didn’t want other people to get the wrong impression of you, so you had to think carefully about what you were going to say or do next. Unfortunately, your plan backfired horribly.

You Fell Into A Trap

It’s a trap many shy people get caught up in: they try to micro-manage what other people think of them. They constantly think about little things that are unimportant.

For example: Is what you say next going to be liked? Are your clothes representative of your personality? Will the way you walk give off the right vibe? What’s the right body language? Will doing this or that make you seem less smart? Do people secretly respect the way you are?

This is the process shy people go through before they say or do something:

1. “What should I say next?”
2. “Will it sound good?”
3. “What’s the best way to say it?”
4. …and only then do they actually say it.

This type of thinking is called Self-Monitoring, and it’s bad for several reasons:

1. You Hesitate

Instead of just letting go and expressing yourself, you think and think and think. And only after do you do something. It’s not fun for you and it’s not fun for other people. It’s unnatural. The more you hesitate before doing something, the more contrived it will seem when you finally do.

For example, if you think of something to say, and them wonder if you should say it, you get nervous. It stops becoming something that just popped into your head and becomes YOUR own idea. You put more and more importance on how people will react to it the longer you wait. When you finally do say it, you’re nervous. You control how your act through conscious effort, and it comes out unnatural.

2. You Seem Out Of Focus

When you Self-Monitor, you seem out of focus. Like you’re actually 10 seconds in the past or 10 seconds in the future, instead of being in the NOW and enjoying it.

Only shy people and those who are extremely self-conscious monitor what they do. Normal people don’t. What normal people do, is not think at all. They don’t think about what they’re going to say next. They get a general feeling of what they want to communicate, and they say it.

Think back to one of your best experiences socially. Chances are, it felt like the right words were somehow coming out of your mouth automatically. You weren’t stuck in your head, trying to come up with something to say. It was all flowing, and you felt in the moment and connected to the other person. Best of all, you were having fun.

3. You Seem Inauthentic

Oh, the irony. You want people to like you and think you’re a swell guy or girl, but they don’t. They think you’re inauthentic.

When you think about everything you say and do, it doesn’t come from you directly. It’s been filtered by your brain, and people can feel it. They can sense the slight offness when you’ve been thinking of a remark for a minute. They don’t feel the same energy coming from you as from a person who comes up with something to say on the spot, and that lack of energy turns them off.

How Do You Stop Self-Monitoring?

First, you have to realize when you’re doing it. You do it when you’re trying to consciously control internal processes that are normally unconscious. What does that mean?

Do you control how you move your mouth when you talk? Do you consciously control how you’re breathing? Do you think about how your arms and legs move as you walk or sit down? Maybe you aren’t doing it now, but in tough social situations you do it. You shouldn’t EVER do this. 

When you realize you are doing any of these things, this is what you should do:

Switch your focus. Think about being on the beach. Count to one hundred. Think of something that will take you mind completely off what you’re doing physically.

Stop talking to yourself. If you’re constantly doing this in your head, stop. It’s part of Self-Monitoring. You’re probably talking to yourself about what you’re doing, or about to do. Switch your focus using the technique I just showed you.

Don’t hesitate. When a thought pops into your head, express it. The longer you wait the worse your fear of expressing it badly becomes. Downplay. You could be in a war zone right now. You’re just talking to someone, maybe it’s your teacher.

These things should come naturally. So don’t consciously force your mouth to move when you’re talking Or your arms to move a certain way when you’re walking. Switch your focus, relax, and have fun.

The Blueprint

1. Realize when you’re self-monitoring
2. Switch your focus off yourself.
3. Stop talking to yourself.
4. Don’t hesitate for a second.

Photo by missjdub