And then you see these same people giving their full attention to other people, who are seen as being popular.

Doesn’t that just piss you off? I remember that used to happen to me all of the time. It seemed like everybody cared about themselves and other social people, but nobody seemed to care what I had to say, even if I tried to be more outgoing. Even if what I said was funny or interesting.

Why Does This Happen?

To understand why this happens, you have to first understand one basic but VERY important idea: Social Value. (I wrote a whole post explaining social value here.)

Here’s the basic overview: In every interaction between two people, one person is higher status. He or she may be better-connected socially, more dominant, a better leader, or just more popular with everyone. For girls, good looks also are a factor.

So one person is always “cooler”. The person who is lower status usually ends up “trying harder” to get the high status person’s approval. Even you do this.

Are you ever much more energetic or do you try harder than usual to come up with something interesting to say when you’re talking to someone popular and well-known?

You Try Harder To Get Them To Like You

And I bet you’re much more laid back and “natural”, much less shy, when you’re talking to someone most people think is a loser?

I know it sucks when you are on the lower end of this “social value scale”, but it’s very important to see how this works. And to understand that everybody does this unconsciously. They don’t know they are doing it. You probably didn’t even realize you were doing the thing you hate to othe people until now.

But here’s a warning: now that you understand that people pay more attention to people of higher status, and almost ignore people who are lower status, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THIS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Why Do You (And Everyone Else) Do This?

 People are selfish. I’m not going to try to convince you of this here, but it’s true. Whatever people do, they do to please themselves.

It’s an idea I came across in advertising books. Almost all of the best advertisements in history succeeded because they were aimed at solving a problem someone had.

They didn’t say “Buy This Product Now!”, instead they said “Do You Have This Problem?” and then led the prospect to see the advertiser’s product as being the solution to the problem.

You are selfish by nature. Even people who donate to charity do it because of the feeling donating gives them. That feeling is worth more to them than the money they give, so it’s a good deal.

Everyone’s Climbing The Ladder

Because you’re selfish, you are always trying to better your current situation and climb higher up the social ladder.

You do this by befriending people who are above you on it. People below you won’t make a difference or they may even lower your social value.

That’s why many people don’t care about their interactions with shy people, but place so much importance when they’re talking to someone popular. They want to go up, not down, and shy people are naturally low status.

It’s a function built into humans to be able to survive. We don’t need it as much today as we did in our caveman days.

How Do You Reverse It?

If you want to make people care about you, you have to make them believe you are higher social status than they are.

This has nothing to do with showing off or being loud. It has nothing to do with how many friends you have, or how interesting you are.

I’ll give you a hint: It’s all about your personality. And your personality is NOT “who you are”, it’s what you do. It’s your habits and behaviors. 

Your behaviors need to shift from neediness to indifference.

I’m working on a book right now that explains exactly how do that, and how to transform yourself from a low status person to high status. I don’t want to spoil the surprise in this one article.

The Summary:

So what can you learn from what I’ve taught you above?

• In every human interaction, there is always a person who has higher social status.
• It is natural for the lower status person to “try harder“ to become the high status person’s friend.
• The higher status person usually doesn’t give much attention to the lower status one, because it doesn’t give him/her any benefit. (Actually, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the not caring makes the person seem high status.)
• In order to make people care, you have to know what habits and behaviors make people think you are low status, and reverse them. These habits are very closely related to shyness and social phobia.

The good news for you is, this website is all about the habits and behaviors of shy people, and how to change them.

Photo by dhammza

In the beginning, the young elephant tries to escape. It struggles against the rope that holds it in place. For several days, the rope keeps rubbing the same spot on the elephant’s leg. The rope finally wears through the elephant’s tough outer skin, and cuts into the elephant’s soft pink flesh. The pain is excruciating. It’s the worst thing the animal has ever felt.

The elephant soon learns that pulling and struggling against the rope will only bring him pain, so he doesn’t struggle anymore.

The elephant grows to be a 12,000 pound monster-sized animal. It could physically crush the animal trainer like a small bug. But it doesn’t.

The animal trainer still keeps it tied up. To the same short wooden stake. If the elephant tried, it could snap the wooden stake in half by simply shifting its weight. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t think it can break free of the stake because of the early experiences it had trying to break free. It thinks the outcome will be pain, instead of freedom.

Elephants are really not that different from shy people in this way.

Do You Avoid Wearing Nicer Looking Clothes Because You Worry About What Other People Will Think Of You?

Some shy people have this problem: You may tend to wear the most plain looking clothes, even stupid looking clothes. You feel ashamed, anxious and shy to wear clothes that you have been said to look good in.

Basically, you run away from positive attention as much as from negative attention. But then you also regret it when people of the opposite sex ignore you when you dress like a loser. Or when other people look at you skeptically, probably mocking your dress sense.

Why Do You Do This?

It all comes down to social value or status, and what you believe your social value is. It’s where you think you “fit” in the social ladder.

See, you have an identity in your mind that you have developed over time and become attached to. That identity is based on what you think other people think of you. Acting outside of that identity is hard to do. It’s the main reason why shy people feel “held back” from expressing themselves fully.

If you think other people think you’re a loser when you wear stupid clothes, then wearing cool clothes will make you feel like a fraud. It won’t feel natural, for a reason that goes back to the days people lived in caves.

Acting outside of the identity you have of yourself activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. This is a survival mechanism. Back when humans just needed to survive, it wasn’t a good idea for everyone to be high social value. There had to be a few key leaders to keep tribes running smoothly, and they needed to be securely in power. It wouldn’t do the whole tribe any good if every week some new guy came along and thought he could be the leader.

Going back to the elephant example, it wouldn’t help the animal trainers if the elephant suddenly realized that he was able to overpower them and break free.

If you are shy, then you tend to act based on what you’ve been conditioned to do in the past, not what you are actually capable of. You are afraid to act too confident or dress clothes that look too good because of invisible constraints you put on yourself from the past.

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.

How Does This Work?

Imagine a popular, macho guy. It makes sense to think he would be uncomfortable walking down the street in clothes that weren’t cool, like a pink dress.

But many people are confused that the same applies for people who try to dress above their status. Like if an unpopular guy suddenly got an attractive shirt that made him stand out. He’s been conditioned that he has low social value, so the shirt makes him feel like he’s going against what other people really think of him.

How Can I Get Rid Of This Feeling?

The good news is, you aren’t an elephant and you aren’t a caveman. (I hope) It is possible to get rid of your insecurity over time, simply because you are aware of it now.

The bad news is that there’s no “magic button”. I can’t make you suddenly feel comfortable wearing cool clothes. The only way to do it is to change how you think about social interaction at a fundamental level. The only way to make yourself comfortable is to change your identity.Then the clothes will feel “right”, and uncool clothes will make you uncomfortable.

You have to change what you think other people think of you. Now, I know you can’t change what other people think of you. You can’t control their thoughts. But you can change what you think they think.

This is related to building self-confidence, which I’ll write more about in the future. At first you may think you’re fooling yourself, then slowly you will find yourself actually becoming a cool person for real.

Won’t People Notice If I Change?

Maybe some of your close friends will, but they’ll get used to it.

The process of wearing cooler clothes actually runs counter intuitive to much of the advice I give. The key is to switch completely, not gradually. Decide on a date when you won’t wear any of your old clothes, then buy cool clothes to last you for at least a week. Then get rid of most of your old clothes.

Don’t think you can do that? That’s your identity talking. Don’t worry. I’m working on more posts, so check back to this blog often. I’m also working on a book aimed to completely change you from a shy person to an outgoing person.

The Big Picture

• Your feelings come from how you think other people perceive you. The key is to change your thoughts, not other people’s.
• A guy or girl who thinks they are low status won’t want to go against this identity they have decided on. Going against it activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It’s a survival mechanism.
• The only cure is to change how you think other people perceive you.

Photo by Adam Foster

Can you can easily talk to people who are seen as being “uncool”, but struggle to say the right thing when talking to someone popular?

You aren’t alone. Everyone does these things all the time.

If you’ve ever wanted to know the hard-core psychological science behind what makes some people magnets for friends and attention, and others desperate for any social contact, then what you are about to read will blow your mind.

What Is Social Value?

Social Value can be thought of as a scale. Everyone has a place on it, that determines how people react to them.

In general, there are two groups of people: High Social Value and Low Social Value.

• High Social Value people are the ones who have tons of friends and connections.
• Low Social Value people usually have very limited social success and are often loners.

Where Does Social Value Come From?

Social Value comes from our caveman days. Back when everyone was worried about getting food and shelter and surviving.

Anyone who seems to be able to better our chances of surviving, or help us reproduce, or give us feelings of enjoyment is someone that we want to be around.

They Help Us Survive

Men who are dominant or leaders are high status, while women who have many connections are high status.

Being around a leader will better your chances of survivng, so sticking around dominant guys (if you’re a guy) and socially savvy girls (if you’re a girl) has been programmed into us by evolution.

They Help Us Reproduce

This, of course, goes back to when humans lived in caves and jungles. We have a very basic need to reproduce.

Men who are able to attract many women are who other men want to be around while women who are attractive generally increase the chances for both the men and women around them to reproduce.

They Make Us Feel Enjoyment

People who other people think are funny are usually high status.

We are attracted to pleasure and away from pain, so we think highly of people who can make us feel pleasure.

In a second, I’ll show you how these three benefits: survival, reproduction and enjoyment, are the foundation that makes some people social magnets.

High Social Value

We gravitate towards people of high status.

High Social Value (high status) people don’t care what others think of them. These people can be alone in a new social situation and feel comfortable.

They are confident, have high self-esteem and are comfortable in almost any social situation

For example: In a bar, an attractive woman has high social value, because she is the one in control. Guys may come up and buy her drinks because they are seeking her approval. If she rejects them, they feel bad. She controls how they feel, making the guys low social value.

Low Social Value

Low Social Value (low status) people feel the need for people to like them. They need other people’s approval and validation. They are needy and cling onto high status people like leeches.

Most shy people fall into this category.

That’s why you probably like to hang around people who are more popular than you. You are almost trying to get some of their popularity. You see them as being a valuable friend to have, because they are a “step” up.

Low status people are “reactive”. They react to what other people say about them. They need people to like and approve of them. Their whole state of mind depends on what other people think of them

How Do We Judge Someone’s Social Value?

We determine someone’s social value through their body language, eye contact, voice, and many more cues, which are nearly imperceptible.

When we judge someone’s social value, we do it on an unconscious level. We don’t even realize we are doing it.

A man’s value is sub-communicated by the obvious and subtle behavior patterns that comprise his personality. That will determine how attractive he is and how people respond to him emotionally.

A woman’s value is based more on how well connected she is socially, as well as how she looks.

That is why, in high school, the most popular guys tend to be jocks and the guys who are loud or funny. It doesn’t matter much if they are good looking or not.

The popular group of girls were almost all good-looking. Their social value depended on their looks and, to a lesser extent, how many people they knew.

That doesn’t mean that, if you’re a girl, you can’t become socially successful. It does mean that, instead of changing your personality (like guys), you have to build social connections on top of your personality, which I’ll show you how to do.

How Can Someone Become High Social Value?

Because we judge someone’s social value based mostly on how they act, that makes it possible to change how people view us by becoming better at giving the right social cues. We can become popular by changing our personality, and personality change is at the core of this website.