If you walk into a doctor’s office and he  (or she) acts like he knows what he’s doing, you’re going to trust his diagnosis and instructions. You’re going to respect him and listen to what he says and believe it.

On the other hand, if he shakes when he’s handling his tools, is unsure of his actions and can’t quite look you in the eye or he stutters when he’s telling you his diagnosis, you’re going to think: “This guy doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

But is the confident doctor actually any smarter than the unconfident one? Does a confident person always know better than a nervous, awkward one?

Logically, the answer is no. Both doctors may be equally good. The nervous one may even be better. But humans are not logical creatures. We are driven by emotions. As much as you could try to logically convince yourself that both doctors could be equals, your gut feeling tells you a much different story. 

Your gut tells you that the doctor who appears to be confident will know more and know it better than the doctor who is nervous. Your gut is subtly sending you the message: “Maybe there’s a reason why he’s nervous…”

That’s why confidence is important. People will make snap judgements about you based on how confident you appear. Can you blame them? They can only see you from the OUTSIDE.

But Are Doctors REALLY Confident?

It’s important that you GET THE FOLLOWING IDEA: The same doctor who can confidently save a person’s life or tell them they have a deadly sickness, will freeze up in an unfamiliar situation.

They may become nervous and anxious at the idea of talking to an attractive woman in a bar. This is because they are only confident in certain situations. This is important because it shows how confidence really works, something you’ll learn in just a minute.

The WRONG Way To Think About Confidence

Have you ever had to give a speech in front of a large group of people and wanted to “feel confident”? If so, you may have tried some different techniques to make yourself confident just so you could get through that speech.

The techniques may or may not have worked. If they did, the feeling probably only lasted for a few hours or a day. This is because you were trying to trick yourself into feeling confident. Smart people can’t trick themselves for long…

Here’s How Confidence REALLY Works:

The kind of confidence you want is not to “feel confident” when you desperately need to. Your confidence has to be formed from knowing you are a person who can handle yourself in most social situations.

Instead of tricking yourself into feeling confident, you have to base it on your actual abilities. In other words, confidence comes from knowing that you can do something through experience.

The doctor I mentioned before had already treated hundreds or thousands of patients. He KNEW he could do it, and do it well. Because of this, he never even has to think about being confident. It isn’t something he feels sometimes, it’s something he IS all the time.

On the other hand, the same doctor might become very nervous and anxious at the idea of approaching an attractive woman he doesn’t know at a bar. He can’t make himself confident if the abilities aren’t there. If he has no idea how to have a conversation and have fun at a bar, then he will won’t be confident. It wouldn’t make sense for him to be.

What This Means To You

In the same way, if you want to be confident in social situations, it usually isn’t enough to “want to feel confident”. You can’t just tell yourself to be confident, no matter how hard you try. THINKING about it won’t help! (Even if you do get yourself to feel more confident and friendly than usual, in a day or two it will wear off and you’ll be back to your usual base level of confidence. That sucks.)

Fortunately, there is a better way. You have to realize that…

Your Confidence Is Based On Your Actual Abilities!

This means that if you want to be more confident when speaking in front of people, you should first become better at it! And if you want to become more confident when having conversations, you should first get some basic conversational skills.

This is counter-intuitive to what most people teach, but it’s completely true! If you start playing a new sport, should you be confident when you suck at it, or do you become confident when you build your skills to a point where it becomes natural to tell yourself: “I’m not the best in the world at this, but I’m pretty good, based on the number of goals I score per game. I’m pretty confident I’ll play reasonably well in most games. There isn’t really anyhting to worry about.”

How To Raise Confidence…Even If You’re Smart!

Some shy people think that only loud, dumb people are confident. That’s because the loud, dumb people know that they have some social skills. They know they won’t get awkward and can handle being under social pressure.

It’s not about getting yourself to “act” confident, it’s about raising your base level of confidence by improving the areas you are weak in. Once you improve, you can then look at yourself and KNOW that you are okay in certain areas, like having conversations or making small talk.

To raise your level you have to first learn some new skills to actually become better at doing stuff. First you get better, you see yourself getting better, and then you become more confident, not the other way around.

By the way, if you REALLY want to boost your skills, then check out my free report on conversation and small talk, after you master the technique inside you’ll get better at making conversations and then become more confident as a result!

The Big Picture of Confidence

Here’s some of the ideas I’ve talked about in this article:

• People judge you based on how you appear to be because they can only see you from the OUTSIDE. 
• People, just like doctors, are only confident in certain situations.
• To become confident in social situations, you must first learn some basic social skills. After you develop your skills, you will see that it’s only natural for you to be confident in your abilities. 
• You aren’t confident because it doesn’t make sense for you to be. You don’t have the skills and experience in social situations to back up any sort of confidence.
• You have to build your base level of confidence by improving your outer skills first. The skills are the cause, confidence is the effect, not the other way around.

1. Unattractive. You don’t think anyone could possibly be physically attracted to you, and that further lowers your self esteem.
2. Attractive. Almost everyone of the opposite sex think you are good-looking,  looks you over, and comments on how hot/cute you are behind your back.

Are You Unattractive Or Attractive?

If you think you are unattractive and shy, do you ever think that being good looking would help you? Not that it would make you outgoing, but that it might give you more self-confidence, seeing that people find you attractive, and that would lead to you being less anxious about what other people think of you?

If you think you are attractive and shy, do you ever wonder if you are missing a piece of the puzzle? Like you should be able to be confident and outgoing, but something you can’t see inside you is holding you back? (And if you see your reflection by accident while in a social situation you may get a boost of self confidence. It’s like you “forget” you’re good looking.)

I’ll be honest, I would probably put myself in category #2.I’m considered good-looking by a fairly large percentage of the women I meet.

But if you are in either of these categories, then this article will probably be an eye-opener for you.

First of all, if you immediately put yourself into one of the two categories, you already have a misunderstanding of how people judge looks.

Problem 1: There Aren’t Two Types

To call yourself or anybody “attractive” or “unattractive”, is a generalization. Nobody actually fits into one of the two categories above.

However, you can judge good looks on a scale, or by comparison.

That’s why some guys attribute numbers to women based on how good-looking they think the woman is. They may say “She’s an 8″ or “She’s a 10″. The higher the number, the better.

You could also make a comparison like,  ”Sarah’s hotter than Ashley.”

The main point is, if someone is seen as being good-looking, it usually has more to do with the person looking at them, then their own looks.

Some other guy may believe that Ashley is actually hotter than Sarah, or the 8 is a 6, or something else. And they would be right. 

Although some people may fit into a general area on the “Attractiveness Scale”, high or middle or low, nobody has a definite position. Different people find different people good-looking. And as you will soon find out, good looks are not the be-all end-all of attractiveness.

Problem 2: Good Looks Vs. Attractiveness

Someone who is good looking isn’t necessarily attractive. Do good looks help? Sure, good looks can lead to attractiveness, but so can many other things.

First you have to understand what attractiveness is. You have to understand why people are attracted to good-looking people and what makes someone good-looking. Haven’t you ever been curious about these things?

Attractiveness comes from good feelings. Good looks are attractive because looking at someone who is good-looking gives us good feelings.

That’s basically what causes attraction: how a person makes another person feel. The good part about this is, feelings can come from many things, not just looks. (But I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bigger factor for a girl’s attractiveness. They are.)

How To Be Attractive Without Being Good-Looking

People like to be around people who are positive. Feelings are infectuous, and being around someone who is happy makes us feel happy. You can show positivity through your body language, inner “state”(more on this in later articles), and by smiling more. There are even techniques you can use to make yourself feel positive emotions instead of negative ones almost automatically, which I won’t reveal here. But you can’t pretend to be happy, it will show through.

And don’t take that smiling tip lightly. Most popular people, including celebrities, smile a lot. A common occurrence in people who are shy or antisocial is to barely ever smile. You have to consciously force yourself to smile more at the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror. Get any obviously messed up teeth fixed (a problem I had for many years), if that’s stopping you from smiling. 

We also like people who are funny. And I know it’s hard to believe, but it IS possible to learn how to be funny. But it has to be the right type of funny, not jokes only you find funny, or worse, sarcasm.

The Real Problem

I gave you some good basic tips in the last two paragraphs, but reading them and actually doing them is a totally different story. I know how you feel. It is hard to change your personality, if you don’t know exactly what to do. “Be more funny and people will like you” is hardly any advice at all.

Also, the truth is that becoming more good looking would probably not make you happier or more social. Walk into a plastic surgeon’s clinic, and you will find many people, who solved their “problem”, but have not fixed their inner insecurities.

Although from the outside other people may see them as being more good looking than before, from the person’s perspective, nothing has changed. They still have the same low self-esteem and anxiety. They have become good-looking, but not attractive.

Fortunately, I’m working on a book to fix the inner problems first, so you can become more attractive and self confident no matter how ugly or good looking you think you are. It’s not ready yet, but feel free to browse the other articles on this website for now.

Final Wrap-Up

Here are the main points I’ve covered in this article:

• Different people find different people good-looking, and at different levels. There are only gray zones, so it is stupid to put yourself into an “attractive” or “unattractive” category.
• Good looks do not equal attractiveness. They can help, but attractiveness comes from giving someone good feelings. Looking at someone who is good-looking makes you feel good, which makes you think they’re attractive.
• You can become attractive by giving other people good feelings. Positivity, being funny, and an outgoing personality can all cause these feelings.