But first, let me ask you:

• Have you ever done the wrong thing when you were under social pressure? (Like if someone told you: “You’re quiet” or “You’re shy” and you didn’t know what to do next)…
• Have you ever thought about a social situation that went badly over and over again, now knowing what you should have done?
• Has your shyness ever STOPPED you from doing something that may have earned you recognition or a friend?

The worst part about this one is that you sometimes feel like you want a time machine. If you could just  go back in time and correct your mistake, someone would like you better.

If you’re like I was when I first started trying to overcome my shyness, then you’ve been in one or more of these situations – probably MANY TIMES.

And what’s the WORST part about going through one of these things?

Well, if you ask me, the most PAINFUL part of it is that as you’re going through it, you always KNOW that it’s your own mind that’s screwing things up!

It’s not that you don’t know what to do.

It’s that you’re so busy thinking about what to do, that you start to get very self-conscious. When you finally do something, it comes out weird and unnatural.

And that’s the part that really sucks.

MY BIG “AH-HA”

After a lot of hard work, I found the “answer” to these types of problems.

It may sound simple when I tell you, but don’t be fooled…

This is some “hard-earned wisdom”.

When I started trying to “do the right thing”, I would always tend to think up of the right thing to do as I had to do it.

Makes sense, right?

For instance, if someone called me shy or quiet, I would try to think up of something to say that didn’t make it seem as if I was shy or quiet.

I’d pass by someone on the street and think of where was the most natural place to look as I was walking by.

I’d see a girl I liked and try to think up of a good opening line as I stood there, looking at her.

I’d think up of the best way to answer questions like “Hey, how’s it going?” right after someone asked me.

In short, I was always trying to think up of the right thing to do next in every social situation as the situations came up.

But what I found was that when it comes to reacting in social situations, if you just thing about what you’re going to do, you’re not actually doing it!

You’re Stuck In A Loop!

For instance, I usually wound up taking FAR TOO LONG thinking about what I was going to say next in conversations. Those slight pauses and off-timing were really screwing me up when it came to small talk with people.

I usually ended up feeling awkward passing almost anyone on the street, because each time I was wondering to myself: “Am I acting normal?” EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I almost never approached girls because I was too busy thinking about what I should say, and slowly fear built up to a critical point, and I just didn’t do it.

And whenever someone asked me “Hey, how’s it going?”, I started to freak out and think of what to say, without telling them that I had spent all my free time alone in my house.

The real “Ah-Ha!” moment came for me when I had a simple realization: I realized that instead of thinking of what to do on the spot, I would have to think of what to do BEFOREHAND.

In other words, instead of forcing myself “into my head” I needed to use my head before I went into a social situation and know what to do before the situation even came up. I needed to create “default actions” I could use in common social situations.

For example, I should have a right way of walking past people that I would use every single time I walked past someone. And I would figure out the right way BEFORE I was actually walking past someone. That way I’m never stuck thinking “Does what I’m doing seem natural?”

That one simple shift in thinking changed my focus, took me in a brand-new direction, and ultimately had a major effect on my long-term success in overcoming shyness and my success with improving my social life.

Default Actions Are The Answer!

Eventually I took all the “default actions” I had made up and I created an entire SYSTEM to teach you how to eliminate the feeling of not knowing what you should do and instead have responses that are natural and cool.

It’s all in the book I’m writing, which may be called “Stop Your Shyness”.

Inside are the exact “default actions” I use in sitations such as:

• When you have to make eye contact with someone. EXACTLY where you  should look, and for how long.
• How to walk up calmly and confidently to a complete stranger, and start talking to them. (Even if the starnger is a good-looking person of the opposite sex!)
• How to answer the question: “Hey, how’s it going?” and similar questions easily and naturally.
• How to react to common experience shy people face, like when someone says “You’re shy” or “You’re quiet”.

P.S. The book’s not out yet, but you can still read the related report I wrote recently, called “How To Always Know What To Say Next“. It’s all about how to have natural conversations with people, without planning out any “lines”.

If you walk into a doctor’s office and he  (or she) acts like he knows what he’s doing, you’re going to trust his diagnosis and instructions. You’re going to respect him and listen to what he says and believe it.

On the other hand, if he shakes when he’s handling his tools, is unsure of his actions and can’t quite look you in the eye or he stutters when he’s telling you his diagnosis, you’re going to think: “This guy doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

But is the confident doctor actually any smarter than the unconfident one? Does a confident person always know better than a nervous, awkward one?

Logically, the answer is no. Both doctors may be equally good. The nervous one may even be better. But humans are not logical creatures. We are driven by emotions. As much as you could try to logically convince yourself that both doctors could be equals, your gut feeling tells you a much different story. 

Your gut tells you that the doctor who appears to be confident will know more and know it better than the doctor who is nervous. Your gut is subtly sending you the message: “Maybe there’s a reason why he’s nervous…”

That’s why confidence is important. People will make snap judgements about you based on how confident you appear. Can you blame them? They can only see you from the OUTSIDE.

But Are Doctors REALLY Confident?

It’s important that you GET THE FOLLOWING IDEA: The same doctor who can confidently save a person’s life or tell them they have a deadly sickness, will freeze up in an unfamiliar situation.

They may become nervous and anxious at the idea of talking to an attractive woman in a bar. This is because they are only confident in certain situations. This is important because it shows how confidence really works, something you’ll learn in just a minute.

The WRONG Way To Think About Confidence

Have you ever had to give a speech in front of a large group of people and wanted to “feel confident”? If so, you may have tried some different techniques to make yourself confident just so you could get through that speech.

The techniques may or may not have worked. If they did, the feeling probably only lasted for a few hours or a day. This is because you were trying to trick yourself into feeling confident. Smart people can’t trick themselves for long…

Here’s How Confidence REALLY Works:

The kind of confidence you want is not to “feel confident” when you desperately need to. Your confidence has to be formed from knowing you are a person who can handle yourself in most social situations.

Instead of tricking yourself into feeling confident, you have to base it on your actual abilities. In other words, confidence comes from knowing that you can do something through experience.

The doctor I mentioned before had already treated hundreds or thousands of patients. He KNEW he could do it, and do it well. Because of this, he never even has to think about being confident. It isn’t something he feels sometimes, it’s something he IS all the time.

On the other hand, the same doctor might become very nervous and anxious at the idea of approaching an attractive woman he doesn’t know at a bar. He can’t make himself confident if the abilities aren’t there. If he has no idea how to have a conversation and have fun at a bar, then he will won’t be confident. It wouldn’t make sense for him to be.

What This Means To You

In the same way, if you want to be confident in social situations, it usually isn’t enough to “want to feel confident”. You can’t just tell yourself to be confident, no matter how hard you try. THINKING about it won’t help! (Even if you do get yourself to feel more confident and friendly than usual, in a day or two it will wear off and you’ll be back to your usual base level of confidence. That sucks.)

Fortunately, there is a better way. You have to realize that…

Your Confidence Is Based On Your Actual Abilities!

This means that if you want to be more confident when speaking in front of people, you should first become better at it! And if you want to become more confident when having conversations, you should first get some basic conversational skills.

This is counter-intuitive to what most people teach, but it’s completely true! If you start playing a new sport, should you be confident when you suck at it, or do you become confident when you build your skills to a point where it becomes natural to tell yourself: “I’m not the best in the world at this, but I’m pretty good, based on the number of goals I score per game. I’m pretty confident I’ll play reasonably well in most games. There isn’t really anyhting to worry about.”

How To Raise Confidence…Even If You’re Smart!

Some shy people think that only loud, dumb people are confident. That’s because the loud, dumb people know that they have some social skills. They know they won’t get awkward and can handle being under social pressure.

It’s not about getting yourself to “act” confident, it’s about raising your base level of confidence by improving the areas you are weak in. Once you improve, you can then look at yourself and KNOW that you are okay in certain areas, like having conversations or making small talk.

To raise your level you have to first learn some new skills to actually become better at doing stuff. First you get better, you see yourself getting better, and then you become more confident, not the other way around.

By the way, if you REALLY want to boost your skills, then check out my free report on conversation and small talk, after you master the technique inside you’ll get better at making conversations and then become more confident as a result!

The Big Picture of Confidence

Here’s some of the ideas I’ve talked about in this article:

• People judge you based on how you appear to be because they can only see you from the OUTSIDE. 
• People, just like doctors, are only confident in certain situations.
• To become confident in social situations, you must first learn some basic social skills. After you develop your skills, you will see that it’s only natural for you to be confident in your abilities. 
• You aren’t confident because it doesn’t make sense for you to be. You don’t have the skills and experience in social situations to back up any sort of confidence.
• You have to build your base level of confidence by improving your outer skills first. The skills are the cause, confidence is the effect, not the other way around.

This isn’t unusual. Many shy people get this thrill. They think that if they were going to die in 2 weeks, they really wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore and their shyness would just disappear. Would this actually happen…or would the person continue to be shy?

What!?!! Is there even a possibility that knowing you’re going to die in 2 weeks wouldn’t change your shyness one bit? I know this is a little hard to accept, but in this article I’ll show you the following:

• Why you may be frustrated because, in theory, it seems so simple to just “pretend you’re going to die” and overcome shyness that way. But when it comes to cold hard reality, you still have that mental block in place that stops you from really living and expressing yourself without nervousness.
• How to use the psychology behind “dying in 2 weeks” to help you overcome your shyness, and get that feeling of being the one in control of your life with no excuses to hold you back.

Why Knowing You’re Gonna Be Dead Soon May Not Work

Many shy people have what I call the “Fixing Mindset”. They think that if only they could fix something about themselves, then they wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore.

Shy people are a lot more critical of themselves than others. They have a very low self-image and may blame their shyness on many different OUTSIDE factors, like having bad teeth, being overweight or having uncool clothes. They think that if only they could get that fixed, they would be okay and wouldn’t be so self-conscious anymore.

Often they finally “fix” the problem, but they’re still the same person. Nothing has changed, really. And they may even look for a new thing that needs “fixing”, just as a way of justifying why they are still shy.

The interesting thing is, there are many outgoing, popular and social people out there with the exact same problems as the shy people, but it doesn’t affect them. They live regular, happy lives and have lots of friends.

So what’s the difference? The difference is that shy people always think that something about them needs to be “fixed” when really, the REAL problem is how the thing AFFECTS them inside. If it didn’t AFFECT them, it wouldn’t need to be fixed. They wouldn’t even be aware of the “problem”!

What Does This Have To Do With Dying?

Many shy people are attracted to the idea of being told they’re going to die in 2 weeks because it gives them the feeling that something inside would be “fixed”. The feeling of relief or excitement you get when thinking of how you would behave if you were gonna die in 2 weeks is there because you think it’ll fix the main problem that’s holding you back.

The problem of facing your fears.

If you were going to die in 2 weeks, what could you be afraid of? Being confident in front of a large group of people? Kissing a random stranger? Going out on a date? There really isn’t anything left to fear, once you know you’re going to die in 2 weeks. You know you’re a goner anyway, so none of this would matter, would it?

Why Does Dying In 2 Weeks Work So Well At “Fixing” Fear?

The secret isn’t in the “dying” part of the idea, but in “2 weeks”. Knowing there’s ONLY 2 weeks gives you a deadline that you have to meet.

Once there’s a deadline, you know that there’s no more time to screw around or avoid taking risks or be afraid of silly things like parties and attractive girls/guys. All these things become small and insignificant, because you only have a limited amount of time left!

How To Die In 2 Weeks Or 2 Months Or 2 Years…

“This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

First you have to know, not fear, but know that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you have no sense of urgency. You think you have all the time in the world to do amazing things, but you may not live to see that particular someday.

That’s the trick behind how to get the feeling you’re going to die in 2 weeks: YOU ACTUALLY ARE! Okay, maybe not 2 weeks, but there’s a definite number. 

If you’re 20 years old, and can expect to live up to 80, the you have 3122 weeks left to live.

Next week it’s going to be 3121.

Photo by Dazzie D

Either way, they may be holding you down from overcoming your shyness.

Do you ever feel more shy around your family? Do you feel weird being around and talking to people your own age or of the opposite sex when some members of your family are around? Does it feel weird when you try to be more outgoing and sometimes seem like your family wants you to keep being shy?

There are several reasons why you feel this way, and 3 major ones:

Reason 1: You Care What They Think

This is the biggie. It’s hard not to care what your family thinks. You may worry they judge how you act, who you know or what clothes you wear. If you’re a teenager or living at or near your parent’s home, it can be even more difficult. But this is the cause of the other two reasons.

One way to stop caring so much is to get a life. I mean it. Seek out new friends, new interests, and outside groups. If you have a life outside of the house you’ll stop caring as much about what your family thinks because they will become only part of your life, instead of being there always.

By the way, I know “get outside interests and friends” is a lot easier for me to say than it is to actually do. I know what it’s like to be shy and feel stuck inside the house. It’s like having an invisible barrier holding you down and you wish something would just “snap” and make your life better. Right now I’m writing a section in my book (in-progress) that talks about a psychological technique called “Pattern Interrupts”. It’s a little-known way to break out of these loops shy people get stuck in, and it’s REALLY exciting stuff.

Reason 2: Won’t They Notice If You Change?

You’re afraid of suddenly acting more confident and talking less quiet because you don’t want your family to notice. This goes back to Reason 1, But there’s actually a much easier solution for this feeling.

Yes, they may notice you changing, but they won’t mind. If they do, it’s because they feel like they’re “losing control” over you. Some outgoing people feel more important around shy people because they like being able to boss them around and dominate over them. If your family doesn’t want you to change, hang around them less (see #1).

Also, it’s generally expected that shy people need some time to “break out of their shell”. You won’t really be surprising anyone.

Reason 3: They Know You’re Shy

It’s very hard to change the impression of you that your family has built up over many years. Maybe they see you as “a shy person”. The worst part about this is, the impression they’ve built up is like an elastic band. There’s no way to gradually make them see you as a more and more confident person. It will just snap back to “shy guy/girl”.

The “Pattern Interrupt” technique that I mentioned above in my shyness book is the simplest way to solve this problem, but since it’s not out yet, I’ll give you a different solution…

Get away for a bit. If you’re leaving for college or moving to a new, faraway job soon, that would be the best solution.

If they only start to see you occasionally, instead of every day, they will have to reevaluate and change their initial impression of you. They expect you to change if they haven’t seen you for a while. There’s also a second bonus to getting away.

People Have Expectations They Expect You To Live Up To

People generally behave as others expect them to behave. If your friends know you are shy, they won’t like it if you are suddenly loud. That’s not because they don’t want you to stop being shy, but it just seems weird. An outgoing, funny guy who is well-known will have every one’s attention as soon as he enters a room. That’s because everybody expects him to be outgoing and funny, and he plays into that expectation.

But in a different place, where no one has any expectations of what kind of person you are, you can “pretend” to be confident and change a lot more rapidly.

Imagine travelling to a new city. You could hop onto an airplane, and in a few hours, you’re in a totally different place. You could be who ever you want to be in that place. That’s the feeling “getting away” gives you.

It’s like an instant shyness cure.

Summary

In this article, here’s what you’ve read:

• There are many reasons for you to feel like your family is holding you back from changing.
• What it all comes down to is you caring what they think. You can start caring less by building interests outside of your home and eventually, by having a social life.
• They may notice if you start changing. Usually it’s expected for a shy person to take some time to “break out of your shell”.
• They know you’re shy, and expect you to continue being the same person. One way to get around this is to get away from your family for a bit. Move away, and only see them occasionally. Maybe it’s college or a new job. 
• Getting away from your family for a bit will give you the opportunity to meet people who don’t know you’re shy and you can “pretend” to be confident. This is the fastest way to change.

Photo by hrtmnstrfr

Suddenly, you see someone coming towards you on the sidewalk. You start to freak out inside. Immediately you get this sudden urge to cross the street or turn back, but they’ve already seen you. It would look weird.

It’s a guy and he’s getting closer. You go into complete anxiety mode. Your heart starts racing, your stomach is turning over, and you feel clumsy and awkward. You start to analyze everylittle thing you do, right down to how you walk and where you should look. You wonder what’s the “normal” thing to do?

Why Do Shy People Feel This Way?

Be honest, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you walked past someone the wrong way? Even if you stared at them a little too long or you walked strangely or whatever. You still wouldn’t get hurt or be affected in any long-term way in most places in today’s society.

So where do the anxious feelings come from? Why do you get them when you see a total stranger coming towards you?

It comes down to how humans evolved. In our years of evolution, showing outward defiance (direct eye contact) to someone of higher status than you could get you hurt, killed or kicked out of the tribe. It was in your best interest to worry about how you passed the dominant male leader of the tribe so that he wouldn’t accidentally mistake you for competition. So the anxiety is a “leftover” feeling from those days.

Shyness Or Survival Instinct?

The feeling comes from a place of “survival”, more than it comes from “shyness”. Even non-shy people get the feeling. Imagine a normally confident, regular middle-aged man walking down a deserted street. Suddenly he sees a group of gang members walking towards him. He doesn’t want to give the gang members a reason to attack him, but at the same time, he also doesn’t want to look like he would be an easy target for a mugging. He starts to go through the same anxiety you go do. Heart racing, stomach flops, analyzing everything he’s doing. 

The same feeling comes when almost anyone walks by a person they find attractive. You immediately think the attractive person is higher status than you are, because of their looks, and you get nervous. But instead of trying not to piss a high status person off, in this case you’re trying to impress them. Which leads to analyzing and awkwardness because of your shyness.

The big difference in  shy people is that they feel almost everyone is higher status than them. That’s why you get the anxious feeling when you pass ordinary, harmless people. That’s the cause of your problem. Need more proof?

What Happens When You Pass An Old Person On The Street?

Do you ever feel more comfortable passing old people than people your own age or younger?

It’s not that they’re friendlier. The truth is, you perceive old people in general to be lower social status than yourself (even if they are a lot more outgoing and social). You do this because they can’t usually fight or dominate. Several thousand years ago, it was very unlikely that an old person was an important leader that you were afraid of offending.

I realize some of this sounds kind of like pseudo-logic, but you have to understand that the human species has been evolving for millions of years. It was only in the last few hundred that modern society was formed. A lot of the stuff people do, they do because it’s been built-in to us over ages. And we usually don’t realize to what extent these built-in responses govern our actions.

So What Should You Do When Walking By A Stranger?

I could tell you how long to hold eye contact, where to look and how you should walk when approaching someone to make the best impression, instead I’ll say: IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER! There is no “normal” way to walk past someone.

I’m going to tell you the truth here, and the truth is that no one notices how you act when they walk by. It’s not that they don’t see you. They see, but they don’t care. No normal person thinks about it afterwards or gives it a second thought. Even if you do something really weird as you walk by, they will forget about it in 30 seconds. Why? Because it doesn’t affect them.

A Couple Tips

First, try not to look down at the ground as you pass people. It doesn’t matter to the person that’s passing by, but it should matter to you. Looking down broadcasts that you’re shy and unconfident through your body language. Look up and get used to doing it. Break the habit. After a while it won’t be so hard.

Second, pretend you’re the other person, and you’re walking towards yourself. This will give you a new perspective, and you’ll see that by feeling nervous you’re just making yourself look worse. You need to relax and then simply think about something else. Take the person walking towards you out of your mind completely. The less you think the less you’ll feel anxious.

Summary

Here’s what’s been covered in this article:

• The anxious feelings you get when you walk by someone comes from thousands of years of evolution. It’s more about “survival” than “shyness”.
• Everyone gets this type of anxiety sometimes. Shy people get it all of the time because they believe almost everyone is higher status than them.
• It doesn’t really matter what you do, because the other person either won’t notice or won’t care. They’ll be too busy worrying about themselves and their own issues.

The next time you’re walking down the street, and you see someone coming at you, you’ll still get the feeling. But something will be different. Now that you know where it comes from and that it is perfectly normal, the feeling will “lose its edge”. You’ll realize the other person is judging you even less than you’re judging them, which is zero. And you will feel like you’ve been given a new perspective on shyness.

Don’t believe me? Go outside and try it.

Photo by da100fotos

They just don’t get it.

In most situations, your body language should be used to make other people think you are a confident, sociable person. First you have to be aware of what you are now doing wrong to be able to fix it.

After you start to see what you’re doing wrong, you’ll have to consciously fix it. But after a while, it becomes habit and confident body language will become natural to you. You want to get to the point where you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

1. Darting eyes

Being insecure makes you want to “watch out” for anything that is going on around you. Your eyes constantly dart everywhere, and you probably don’t even realize it, unless someone videotapes you.

The opposite of this is strong, relaxed eye contact. No matter what you believe, people DO make eye contact. Even with complete strangers. It only makes you uncomfortable, not the other person.

2. Fidgeting

This is the main thing shy people do when they’re really nervous. 

First of all, you have to realize when you are doing it, and stop. Plant your feet in one spot, relax your arms at your sides, and take your hands off of your face. You have to learn to relax in social situations. The best way to do this is to act like you are already relaxed on the outside.

3. Stumbling over words

Social people let words FLOW out of their mouth. They never go back to a word they mispronounced and repeat it.

The real problem here is that social pressure gets to your head, and makes you talk differently. I’m sure there are some people who you have no problem talking smoothly to. To fix the problem of stumling over words, you have to increase your tolerance to being in social situations.

4. Tentative gestures

Most shy people have a very limited range of expression. This goes for their voice and their body language. They aren’t confident enough to make broad, sweeping gestures, dance, or have a wide range of tonality in their voice.

One quick tip I can give you is practice. Practice making gestures in the mirror. See how tentative gestures make you look shy, and how BIG gestures make you look like a regular person.

5. Nervous habits

You can’t fake body language. What you think on the inside will broadcast on the outside. There are a whole lot of insecure habits shy people have that affect their outer confidence.

6. Staring at the floor

Whatever you do, don’t look down. A lot of shy people get into the habit of looking at the ground. They “watch out” for obstacles in their way. Try not looking down for a day. At first you may be scared of tripping, but soon you’ll get used to it. It’s all about breaking the habit. Keep your chin up, ALWAYS, and your posture straight but relaxed.

One thing you’ll find, is that by acting confident on the outside, you’ll soon start feeling more confident on the inside, all the time.

And isn’t that fun?

Photo by Toni Blay

1. Unattractive. You don’t think anyone could possibly be physically attracted to you, and that further lowers your self esteem.
2. Attractive. Almost everyone of the opposite sex think you are good-looking,  looks you over, and comments on how hot/cute you are behind your back.

Are You Unattractive Or Attractive?

If you think you are unattractive and shy, do you ever think that being good looking would help you? Not that it would make you outgoing, but that it might give you more self-confidence, seeing that people find you attractive, and that would lead to you being less anxious about what other people think of you?

If you think you are attractive and shy, do you ever wonder if you are missing a piece of the puzzle? Like you should be able to be confident and outgoing, but something you can’t see inside you is holding you back? (And if you see your reflection by accident while in a social situation you may get a boost of self confidence. It’s like you “forget” you’re good looking.)

I’ll be honest, I would probably put myself in category #2.I’m considered good-looking by a fairly large percentage of the women I meet.

But if you are in either of these categories, then this article will probably be an eye-opener for you.

First of all, if you immediately put yourself into one of the two categories, you already have a misunderstanding of how people judge looks.

Problem 1: There Aren’t Two Types

To call yourself or anybody “attractive” or “unattractive”, is a generalization. Nobody actually fits into one of the two categories above.

However, you can judge good looks on a scale, or by comparison.

That’s why some guys attribute numbers to women based on how good-looking they think the woman is. They may say “She’s an 8″ or “She’s a 10″. The higher the number, the better.

You could also make a comparison like,  ”Sarah’s hotter than Ashley.”

The main point is, if someone is seen as being good-looking, it usually has more to do with the person looking at them, then their own looks.

Some other guy may believe that Ashley is actually hotter than Sarah, or the 8 is a 6, or something else. And they would be right. 

Although some people may fit into a general area on the “Attractiveness Scale”, high or middle or low, nobody has a definite position. Different people find different people good-looking. And as you will soon find out, good looks are not the be-all end-all of attractiveness.

Problem 2: Good Looks Vs. Attractiveness

Someone who is good looking isn’t necessarily attractive. Do good looks help? Sure, good looks can lead to attractiveness, but so can many other things.

First you have to understand what attractiveness is. You have to understand why people are attracted to good-looking people and what makes someone good-looking. Haven’t you ever been curious about these things?

Attractiveness comes from good feelings. Good looks are attractive because looking at someone who is good-looking gives us good feelings.

That’s basically what causes attraction: how a person makes another person feel. The good part about this is, feelings can come from many things, not just looks. (But I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bigger factor for a girl’s attractiveness. They are.)

How To Be Attractive Without Being Good-Looking

People like to be around people who are positive. Feelings are infectuous, and being around someone who is happy makes us feel happy. You can show positivity through your body language, inner “state”(more on this in later articles), and by smiling more. There are even techniques you can use to make yourself feel positive emotions instead of negative ones almost automatically, which I won’t reveal here. But you can’t pretend to be happy, it will show through.

And don’t take that smiling tip lightly. Most popular people, including celebrities, smile a lot. A common occurrence in people who are shy or antisocial is to barely ever smile. You have to consciously force yourself to smile more at the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror. Get any obviously messed up teeth fixed (a problem I had for many years), if that’s stopping you from smiling. 

We also like people who are funny. And I know it’s hard to believe, but it IS possible to learn how to be funny. But it has to be the right type of funny, not jokes only you find funny, or worse, sarcasm.

The Real Problem

I gave you some good basic tips in the last two paragraphs, but reading them and actually doing them is a totally different story. I know how you feel. It is hard to change your personality, if you don’t know exactly what to do. “Be more funny and people will like you” is hardly any advice at all.

Also, the truth is that becoming more good looking would probably not make you happier or more social. Walk into a plastic surgeon’s clinic, and you will find many people, who solved their “problem”, but have not fixed their inner insecurities.

Although from the outside other people may see them as being more good looking than before, from the person’s perspective, nothing has changed. They still have the same low self-esteem and anxiety. They have become good-looking, but not attractive.

Fortunately, I’m working on a book to fix the inner problems first, so you can become more attractive and self confident no matter how ugly or good looking you think you are. It’s not ready yet, but feel free to browse the other articles on this website for now.

Final Wrap-Up

Here are the main points I’ve covered in this article:

• Different people find different people good-looking, and at different levels. There are only gray zones, so it is stupid to put yourself into an “attractive” or “unattractive” category.
• Good looks do not equal attractiveness. They can help, but attractiveness comes from giving someone good feelings. Looking at someone who is good-looking makes you feel good, which makes you think they’re attractive.
• You can become attractive by giving other people good feelings. Positivity, being funny, and an outgoing personality can all cause these feelings.

And then you see these same people giving their full attention to other people, who are seen as being popular.

Doesn’t that just piss you off? I remember that used to happen to me all of the time. It seemed like everybody cared about themselves and other social people, but nobody seemed to care what I had to say, even if I tried to be more outgoing. Even if what I said was funny or interesting.

Why Does This Happen?

To understand why this happens, you have to first understand one basic but VERY important idea: Social Value. (I wrote a whole post explaining social value here.)

Here’s the basic overview: In every interaction between two people, one person is higher status. He or she may be better-connected socially, more dominant, a better leader, or just more popular with everyone. For girls, good looks also are a factor.

So one person is always “cooler”. The person who is lower status usually ends up “trying harder” to get the high status person’s approval. Even you do this.

Are you ever much more energetic or do you try harder than usual to come up with something interesting to say when you’re talking to someone popular and well-known?

You Try Harder To Get Them To Like You

And I bet you’re much more laid back and “natural”, much less shy, when you’re talking to someone most people think is a loser?

I know it sucks when you are on the lower end of this “social value scale”, but it’s very important to see how this works. And to understand that everybody does this unconsciously. They don’t know they are doing it. You probably didn’t even realize you were doing the thing you hate to othe people until now.

But here’s a warning: now that you understand that people pay more attention to people of higher status, and almost ignore people who are lower status, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THIS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Why Do You (And Everyone Else) Do This?

 People are selfish. I’m not going to try to convince you of this here, but it’s true. Whatever people do, they do to please themselves.

It’s an idea I came across in advertising books. Almost all of the best advertisements in history succeeded because they were aimed at solving a problem someone had.

They didn’t say “Buy This Product Now!”, instead they said “Do You Have This Problem?” and then led the prospect to see the advertiser’s product as being the solution to the problem.

You are selfish by nature. Even people who donate to charity do it because of the feeling donating gives them. That feeling is worth more to them than the money they give, so it’s a good deal.

Everyone’s Climbing The Ladder

Because you’re selfish, you are always trying to better your current situation and climb higher up the social ladder.

You do this by befriending people who are above you on it. People below you won’t make a difference or they may even lower your social value.

That’s why many people don’t care about their interactions with shy people, but place so much importance when they’re talking to someone popular. They want to go up, not down, and shy people are naturally low status.

It’s a function built into humans to be able to survive. We don’t need it as much today as we did in our caveman days.

How Do You Reverse It?

If you want to make people care about you, you have to make them believe you are higher social status than they are.

This has nothing to do with showing off or being loud. It has nothing to do with how many friends you have, or how interesting you are.

I’ll give you a hint: It’s all about your personality. And your personality is NOT “who you are”, it’s what you do. It’s your habits and behaviors. 

Your behaviors need to shift from neediness to indifference.

I’m working on a book right now that explains exactly how do that, and how to transform yourself from a low status person to high status. I don’t want to spoil the surprise in this one article.

The Summary:

So what can you learn from what I’ve taught you above?

• In every human interaction, there is always a person who has higher social status.
• It is natural for the lower status person to “try harder“ to become the high status person’s friend.
• The higher status person usually doesn’t give much attention to the lower status one, because it doesn’t give him/her any benefit. (Actually, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the not caring makes the person seem high status.)
• In order to make people care, you have to know what habits and behaviors make people think you are low status, and reverse them. These habits are very closely related to shyness and social phobia.

The good news for you is, this website is all about the habits and behaviors of shy people, and how to change them.

Photo by dhammza

You feel fear. Intense, shaking fear that rattles through your whole body.

Suddenly there’s a man standing at the opposite end of the room. He yells at you: “Don’t worry! This type of snake doesn’t bite!” Do you feel any different?

After all, the man does give you more information. So there are now two conflicting parts of your brain. One feels fear. The other tries to logically convince the first part not to feel fear.

This is a lot like how shyness works.

First, What Is Shyness Exactly?

I know it’s a stupid question, but this is key.

Many shy people get confused into thinking shyness is something it’s not. When they are young, someone may tell them, “You’re shy.”  This assumes that shyness is a trait of a person. It’s something they are born with or have developed over time to become a part of them, like their hair. Or like being athletic or overweight or hairy. But the scary truth is, shyness isn’t a trait.

Think about it: Are you shy all the time? Even when you’re by yourself? Are you equally shy when you’re talking to someone new as when you’re talking to your closest friend?

Shyness is a reaction. It’s a feeling someone gets in response to certain situations. The amount and the type of reaction someone feels depends on the situation. Shyness isn’t something you are, it’s something you feel, sometimes.

So What?

It’s a reaction, and you can’t control the reaction. Just like you can’t control the fear you get when you see a deadly snake coming at you.

And that means you’re not going to cure your shyness by thinking about it logically. But that’s what most shy people try to do.

No amount of saying “It’s no big deal. It’s just a conversation/speech/girl/guy.” is going to stop that intense physical and emotional response you have in social situations.

The response that makes you want to run away and hide because you’re so nervous.

Shyness Isn’t A Choice

Shyness isn’t a choice, it’s actually much closer to fear than anything else. That means the only way to overcome it is to work smarter, not harder.

The problem isn’t to make yourself “feel less shy”, because you can’t make that choice. The real problem usually runs much deeper.

What I’ve come to realize is that it’s a problem of not facing your fears in life, in general.

Wrap Up

What can you learn from what I said above?

• Shyness isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction.
• You can’t logically convince yourself not to feel shy by thinking, because shyness is automatic. You don’t decide to do it or not based on facts. It’s there or it’s not.
• Therefore the only way to cure shyness is to attack it indirectly. You can’t tell yourself not to feel shy as you are doing it, no matter how many “good reasons” you have not to be shy. You have to fix your shyness by fixing other, underlying issues.

There’s something so much bigger at stake here…and overcoming this issue will lead to success in many other areas of your life. Stick with it!

Photo by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

In the beginning, the young elephant tries to escape. It struggles against the rope that holds it in place. For several days, the rope keeps rubbing the same spot on the elephant’s leg. The rope finally wears through the elephant’s tough outer skin, and cuts into the elephant’s soft pink flesh. The pain is excruciating. It’s the worst thing the animal has ever felt.

The elephant soon learns that pulling and struggling against the rope will only bring him pain, so he doesn’t struggle anymore.

The elephant grows to be a 12,000 pound monster-sized animal. It could physically crush the animal trainer like a small bug. But it doesn’t.

The animal trainer still keeps it tied up. To the same short wooden stake. If the elephant tried, it could snap the wooden stake in half by simply shifting its weight. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t think it can break free of the stake because of the early experiences it had trying to break free. It thinks the outcome will be pain, instead of freedom.

Elephants are really not that different from shy people in this way.

Do You Avoid Wearing Nicer Looking Clothes Because You Worry About What Other People Will Think Of You?

Some shy people have this problem: You may tend to wear the most plain looking clothes, even stupid looking clothes. You feel ashamed, anxious and shy to wear clothes that you have been said to look good in.

Basically, you run away from positive attention as much as from negative attention. But then you also regret it when people of the opposite sex ignore you when you dress like a loser. Or when other people look at you skeptically, probably mocking your dress sense.

Why Do You Do This?

It all comes down to social value or status, and what you believe your social value is. It’s where you think you “fit” in the social ladder.

See, you have an identity in your mind that you have developed over time and become attached to. That identity is based on what you think other people think of you. Acting outside of that identity is hard to do. It’s the main reason why shy people feel “held back” from expressing themselves fully.

If you think other people think you’re a loser when you wear stupid clothes, then wearing cool clothes will make you feel like a fraud. It won’t feel natural, for a reason that goes back to the days people lived in caves.

Acting outside of the identity you have of yourself activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. This is a survival mechanism. Back when humans just needed to survive, it wasn’t a good idea for everyone to be high social value. There had to be a few key leaders to keep tribes running smoothly, and they needed to be securely in power. It wouldn’t do the whole tribe any good if every week some new guy came along and thought he could be the leader.

Going back to the elephant example, it wouldn’t help the animal trainers if the elephant suddenly realized that he was able to overpower them and break free.

If you are shy, then you tend to act based on what you’ve been conditioned to do in the past, not what you are actually capable of. You are afraid to act too confident or dress clothes that look too good because of invisible constraints you put on yourself from the past.

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.

How Does This Work?

Imagine a popular, macho guy. It makes sense to think he would be uncomfortable walking down the street in clothes that weren’t cool, like a pink dress.

But many people are confused that the same applies for people who try to dress above their status. Like if an unpopular guy suddenly got an attractive shirt that made him stand out. He’s been conditioned that he has low social value, so the shirt makes him feel like he’s going against what other people really think of him.

How Can I Get Rid Of This Feeling?

The good news is, you aren’t an elephant and you aren’t a caveman. (I hope) It is possible to get rid of your insecurity over time, simply because you are aware of it now.

The bad news is that there’s no “magic button”. I can’t make you suddenly feel comfortable wearing cool clothes. The only way to do it is to change how you think about social interaction at a fundamental level. The only way to make yourself comfortable is to change your identity.Then the clothes will feel “right”, and uncool clothes will make you uncomfortable.

You have to change what you think other people think of you. Now, I know you can’t change what other people think of you. You can’t control their thoughts. But you can change what you think they think.

This is related to building self-confidence, which I’ll write more about in the future. At first you may think you’re fooling yourself, then slowly you will find yourself actually becoming a cool person for real.

Won’t People Notice If I Change?

Maybe some of your close friends will, but they’ll get used to it.

The process of wearing cooler clothes actually runs counter intuitive to much of the advice I give. The key is to switch completely, not gradually. Decide on a date when you won’t wear any of your old clothes, then buy cool clothes to last you for at least a week. Then get rid of most of your old clothes.

Don’t think you can do that? That’s your identity talking. Don’t worry. I’m working on more posts, so check back to this blog often. I’m also working on a book aimed to completely change you from a shy person to an outgoing person.

The Big Picture

• Your feelings come from how you think other people perceive you. The key is to change your thoughts, not other people’s.
• A guy or girl who thinks they are low status won’t want to go against this identity they have decided on. Going against it activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It’s a survival mechanism.
• The only cure is to change how you think other people perceive you.

Photo by Adam Foster