Either way, they may be holding you down from overcoming your shyness.

Do you ever feel more shy around your family? Do you feel weird being around and talking to people your own age or of the opposite sex when some members of your family are around? Does it feel weird when you try to be more outgoing and sometimes seem like your family wants you to keep being shy?

There are several reasons why you feel this way, and 3 major ones:

Reason 1: You Care What They Think

This is the biggie. It’s hard not to care what your family thinks. You may worry they judge how you act, who you know or what clothes you wear. If you’re a teenager or living at or near your parent’s home, it can be even more difficult. But this is the cause of the other two reasons.

One way to stop caring so much is to get a life. I mean it. Seek out new friends, new interests, and outside groups. If you have a life outside of the house you’ll stop caring as much about what your family thinks because they will become only part of your life, instead of being there always.

By the way, I know “get outside interests and friends” is a lot easier for me to say than it is to actually do. I know what it’s like to be shy and feel stuck inside the house. It’s like having an invisible barrier holding you down and you wish something would just “snap” and make your life better. Right now I’m writing a section in my book (in-progress) that talks about a psychological technique called “Pattern Interrupts”. It’s a little-known way to break out of these loops shy people get stuck in, and it’s REALLY exciting stuff.

Reason 2: Won’t They Notice If You Change?

You’re afraid of suddenly acting more confident and talking less quiet because you don’t want your family to notice. This goes back to Reason 1, But there’s actually a much easier solution for this feeling.

Yes, they may notice you changing, but they won’t mind. If they do, it’s because they feel like they’re “losing control” over you. Some outgoing people feel more important around shy people because they like being able to boss them around and dominate over them. If your family doesn’t want you to change, hang around them less (see #1).

Also, it’s generally expected that shy people need some time to “break out of their shell”. You won’t really be surprising anyone.

Reason 3: They Know You’re Shy

It’s very hard to change the impression of you that your family has built up over many years. Maybe they see you as “a shy person”. The worst part about this is, the impression they’ve built up is like an elastic band. There’s no way to gradually make them see you as a more and more confident person. It will just snap back to “shy guy/girl”.

The “Pattern Interrupt” technique that I mentioned above in my shyness book is the simplest way to solve this problem, but since it’s not out yet, I’ll give you a different solution…

Get away for a bit. If you’re leaving for college or moving to a new, faraway job soon, that would be the best solution.

If they only start to see you occasionally, instead of every day, they will have to reevaluate and change their initial impression of you. They expect you to change if they haven’t seen you for a while. There’s also a second bonus to getting away.

People Have Expectations They Expect You To Live Up To

People generally behave as others expect them to behave. If your friends know you are shy, they won’t like it if you are suddenly loud. That’s not because they don’t want you to stop being shy, but it just seems weird. An outgoing, funny guy who is well-known will have every one’s attention as soon as he enters a room. That’s because everybody expects him to be outgoing and funny, and he plays into that expectation.

But in a different place, where no one has any expectations of what kind of person you are, you can “pretend” to be confident and change a lot more rapidly.

Imagine travelling to a new city. You could hop onto an airplane, and in a few hours, you’re in a totally different place. You could be who ever you want to be in that place. That’s the feeling “getting away” gives you.

It’s like an instant shyness cure.

Summary

In this article, here’s what you’ve read:

• There are many reasons for you to feel like your family is holding you back from changing.
• What it all comes down to is you caring what they think. You can start caring less by building interests outside of your home and eventually, by having a social life.
• They may notice if you start changing. Usually it’s expected for a shy person to take some time to “break out of your shell”.
• They know you’re shy, and expect you to continue being the same person. One way to get around this is to get away from your family for a bit. Move away, and only see them occasionally. Maybe it’s college or a new job. 
• Getting away from your family for a bit will give you the opportunity to meet people who don’t know you’re shy and you can “pretend” to be confident. This is the fastest way to change.

Photo by hrtmnstrfr

There’s a right way to use sarcasm that makes other people think you’re funny. There’s also a wrong way that makes people see you as an antisocial loser from a mile away. What’s worse is that both ways look very similar on the surface. Most shy people accidentally use sarcasm the wrong way.

Do you want to know what the difference is between the right way and the wrong way?

The Wrong Way:

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “Make sure you don’t look in the knife drawer. We obviously don’t keep knives in there.”

The Right Way

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

The right way to use sarcasm is to not use it at all. Bob was just asking a straightforward question. Most people would answer it in a straightforward way. Shy people have the urge to use sarcasm for several reasons.

Why Do Shy People Use Sarcasm?

It’s a way to hide your true feelings.You have trouble coming up with something REAL to say, so you resort to sarcasm as a way to talk.

Using sarcasm is also the easiest way to give other people the impression of self confidence. It helps break the ice when you meet someone new.

Unfortunately, sarcasm gets annoying really fast. WhenI talk to other shy people from the perspective of an outgoing person, it can be frustrating. I might be  just asking general questions, and I keep getting sarcastic replies, like the other person doesn’t know how to make normal everyday conversation.

That’s why you should learn to use sarcasm the right way. People will get annoyed at you, but you’ll just keep saying sarcastic things. Soon nobody will be too enthusiastic to talk to you.

How Can I Stop Using Sarcasm?

First, learn how to make small talk and carry on a conversation. I’ll be making more posts on this in the future and may even write a small ebook on it soon. Keep checking back to this website for more tips.

The reason why you have to learn how to make small talk is because you need to have something to say. The main reason why you use sarcasm so much is because you have nothing else of substance to tell the other person. Sarcasm is a crutch that helps you actually say something once in a while.

By learning basic conversational skills you replace sarcasm with better habits.

Give Straightforward Replies

If someone asks you a question, even if the answer is stupidly simple and obvious, don’t use sarcasm. Just answer their question. If you follow through with the tip I gave you above, and learn some conversational skills, you won’t need sarcasm to say something or express yourself anymore.

Example of the Right Way: (from above)

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

See how easy it is?

What Else Will I Talk About?

Many shy people are scared to stop using sarcasm because they’re afraid that without it, they’ll stop talking completely. This isn’t true. Think of all the outgoing people you’ve seen. Most of them almost never use sarcasm, yet they still talk and connect with people. 

The reason why you’re scared is because the main way you talk to people is by answering their questions. Outside of that, you don’t know what you’re supposed to talk about. By using these windows of opportunity when people ask you something to be sarcastic, you might get a quick laugh and feel more social for a minute.

But if you don’t talk to someone outside of answering their questions sarcastically, no real friendship or relationship is possible.

Won’t I Lose My Personality?

Sarcasm isn’t part of your personality. Sarcasm is a habit you’ve developed over time.

It’s a habit you should try to get rid of because of all the reasons I told you above. Sarcasm may be a short-term solution if you want to feel less antisocial, but it won’t make you less antisocial. All it does is give you a small, bitter type of feeling that you aren’t that shy, that lasts for about 20 seconds.

The only way to become less shy is to learn how to talk to people. To do this you’re going to have to give up the old habits you developed being shy. That includes sarcasm.

And one more thing. You don’t have to be sarcastic to be funny. The main thing to remember is that sarcasm is funny to most people only for the first one or two times. Then it gets boring to talk to you. Believe me, there are many, many ways to be funny without using sarcasm.

Aren’t Some Outgoing People Sarcastic?

Yes, there are plenty of people who aren’t shy and are sarcastic. Does this mean sarcasm isn’t related to shyness?

The answer lies in when outgoing people use shyness compared to when shy people do. An outgoing person can talk normally and be sarcastic and people will find him or her funny.

When a shy person uses sarcasm, it is only after someone has asked them a question. That’s the key point.

If you want to overcome shyness, you have to learn how to carry on a real conversation, without using automated sarcastic replies to questions all the time. I know the idea makes you a little nervous inside because sarcasm is a comfort mechanism for many shy people.

Sarcasm For Shy People: Step-By-Step

Here’s a quick run-down of the guide to sarcasm for shy people:

1. Sarcasm is what shy people do when they don’t have anything REAL to say. If you really want to overcome shyness, you have to give up being sarcastic.
2. Replace sarcasm by learning conversation skills and small talk.
3. Give straightforward replies to straightforward questions. Avoid sarcasm at all costs.

By now you realize you don’t need sarcasm. If you want to get over being shy, it’s something you’re going to have to give up.

Try this: the next time you’re tempted to give someone a sarcastic reply, try giving them a straightforward answer. See how it goes. What have you got to lose?

Photo by Gytis

For some reason, you get nervous and feel weird making eye contact with people, as if you’re looking into the other person’s soul. And you worry that if the other person can see your eyes, they will find out how uncomfortable you are and realize that you are a loser.

I know that it sucks. Have you ever wondered why you feel this way? Did you know that by simply controlling what you look at you can make your social life come alive? Read this article to solve the puzzle.

What Do The Experts Know?

First, read this exercise many top relationship experts tell to married couples:

To help connect on an emotional level with your partner take a minute each day to look into your partner’s eyes and express how you feel about him or her. Follow it up with a kiss…with your eyes open.

Why are couples encouraged to do the exercise above? Is it because expressing feelings openly leads to a deeper emotional connection? Everyone knows that a lack of communication  is the number one reason why couples divorce. Will talking directly to themselves about their feelings make the other person feel special and appreciated?

So the two partners talk about their feelings, and then kiss. But is that all?

Many people don’t realize that talking is actually the least important part.

I want you to imagine a couple doing the exercise above, but instead of looking at each other, they’re sitting side by side, both looking somewhere off into the distance. For the whole minute of conversation, they don’t look at each other once. When it comes time to kiss, they close their eyes. Pretty romantic, huh?

Eye contact creates the emotional connection between two people. Without that, there isn’t even a remote possibility of a friendship or relationship.

Still Think It’s The Words?

Most of how people communicate isn’t verbal. That’s where the old saying came from: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.”

But it isn’t even really about how you say something, but what you’re doing while you’re saying it. One study at UCLA indicated that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues. Body language, voice tonality and, yes, eye contact.

Of all of these, arguably the most important is eye contact. Why? Because we form connections with people through eye contact.

If you want to have real friendships and relationships with other people, and not just shallow small-talk, then you will have to start looking them in the eyes. That’s the way humans work.

Are you Human?

Then you need to make eye contact. Probably lots more than you do right now. However, you also don’t want to creep the other person out.

Eye contact is like salt on french fries. Everyone has a slighly different amount they like to have, and it depends on the situation. Too little and the fries are just plain boring. Nodoby wants them, because there’s no flavor. Are your conversations just plain boring because of a lack of eye contact?

But there’s a dark side as well. Too much and the fries are too salty. They repel people away, and the restaurant loses any repeat customers it may have had. If you give too much eye contact, people will think you’re creepy and won’t want to be around you after their first taste.

How Much Eye Contact Is Normal?

Here’s the quick and fast rules:

• When talking, make eye contact 1/3 of the time.
• When listening, make eye contact 2/3 of the time.
• For everyday conversation, make eye contact in spurts of 3-4 seconds. (6-8 seconds if you are talking to someone of the opposite sex that you like.)

Okay, that’s all the facts you really need to know. But I know that, for someone like you, it’s not that easy.

So How Do You Actually Do It?

There’s a scientific word for how to do it. Not that you need to know it, but it’s called prograssive desensitization. What does that mean?

Imagine a large staircase. You are at the top, and everyone who has no problem making eye contact is at the bottom. You want to get to the bottom. How do you get there?

Do you:

1. Jump straight down from the top of the staircase to the bottom?
2. Take the steps down, one at a time?

The logical way to get down is to take the steps one at a time. It’s the same when you start trying to make eye contact with people.

At first you won’t be able to even look at their eyes. That’s okay, look at their lower forehead or upper nose or in the middle of their eyes. They won’t be able to tell the difference.

Make a conscious effort to do this, and slowly you’ll be able to look at their nose for longer and longer periods of time. Then you start looking at one of their eyes, and slowly get used to that.

Practice, It Gets Easier

Yes, at first it will be hard, and you will have to TRY to look people in the eye, but you will slowly get better at it as long as you keep pushing your comfort zone.

Sooner than you can imagine, you won’t have to think about keeping eye contact, because it will become a habit to do it. It will be natural, and once you stop thinking about it you really get better at it.

Next time you’re talking to someone, or walking past a stranger, take the first step and start desensitizing yourself. Look at their forehead for 3-4 seconds as you talk to them, then look away. Try it again, and again, and again. More and more often. For longer and longer periods of time.

It’s the only way to get rid of this problem.

Photo by Michele Catania

I hated seeing how I acted in those days. I was always the quietest one, barely able to control my actions and reactions. Usually I thought I was a little shy, almost normal, but seeing those videos I was embarrassed to see how much different and insecure I actually was compared to other people.

I wince inside, thinking back to those days.

Over the years, I realized there are some habits almost all shy and antisocial people have in common that make other people think they’re loners.

If that’s not bad enough, most shy people aren’t even aware of what they are. The habits are automatic and subconscious. That’s why I was always surprised when I saw how I actually acted in real life. 

But the good news is, once you see what these habits are, you can make adjustments to how you act and become more comfortable in your own skin.

1. Being Stuck In Your Head

Outgoing people talk to other people. Shy people talk to themselves. It’s a comfort mechanism, more than anything. 

The important thing to realize is that talking to yourself is a habit (like everything else on this post), and habits can be broken. Whenever you realize you are talking to yourself, STOP. This will help you “get out of your head”, talk more and eventually start becoming more extroverted.

2. Not Paying Attention To Others

One of the biggest tips many conversation experts give is to become actively involved in listening to conversations. Many shy people get into the habit of just standing there, thinking and talking to themselves inside their own head, and listening, but not paying too close attention, to what everyone else is talking about.

Once you start to pay close attention, and put more energy into thinking about what other people are talking about, you won’t have a problem thinking about what to say next. Stuff will be popping into your head all of the time. You’re just going to have to suck it up and say it.

3. Nervousness

Relax, dude. What’s the worst thing that can happen when you’re in the middle of a social situation?

In the pictures I mentioned before, I almost always looked as if I was nervous and tense. Not good. Being relaxed helps you to enjoy situations. Also, shy people tend to automatically “tense up” some of their muscles when they are nervous.

Every once in a while, check if your neck, shoulders and stomach area are tensed up. Your shoulders, when they are tense, will be higher than normal. Take a long, slow breath and as you are letting it go, relax any tense muscles you have.

4. Paranoia

You may think everybody is judging you, and every small action you take and every thing you say. FACT: Nobody really cares about you. (They’re too busy worrying about what other people think of them.)

Next time you feel self-conscious, look at a random person and take note of how you feel about them. If the person you picked is truly random, then you probably won’t have any emotion whatsoever.

That’s how most people who see you feel about you: INDIFFERENT. It took me a long time to realize that.

5. Self-Monitoring

You “micro-manage” what you do. That means you think of what you’re going to say before you say it. You think about what you’re going to do before you actually do it. This makes everything you do and everything you say seem unnatural. 

There’s a lot of info about how to overcome this in my post on talking about nothing.

6. Feeling You Don’t Deserve Good Things

You feel you aren’t good enough for that hot girl or guy to even talk to them. If someone compliments you, you don’t really know how to respond because, deep down, you don’t feel you deserve the compliment. (I’ll talk more on this in a future post.)

7. Fear Of Expression

You feel “held back” – like you can’t just let go and do what feels natural. This can make you quiet and limit your body language.

I remember in social situations I used to have crazy ideas like screaming at the top of my lungs just to see what would happen. I knew I was PHYSICALLY capable of doing it, but something inside seemed to stop me. This is caused by a lack of confidence (also see Habit #9).

8. Arrogant Beliefs

You may think you’re smarter than most people you meet. You may even think that the reason why other people get along so well is because they’re on the same level – while you can see “how things really are”.

If you can relate to that feeling, then the trick is to realize where it comes from. It comes from your bitterness that people don’t seem to like you despite all the “reasons” why they should – you being smart, or talented at something, etc.

9. Hinging Self-Esteem On What Others Think

You let other people decide how you feel. If they say something bad to you, you immediately feel bad inside. You take their opinions as being fact.

The reality is that it’s impossible to make everyone like you, and sooner or later you’re going to have to get used to that. If you don’t, you’ll die sad and unfulfilled because you always seek the approval of other people.

10. Fear To Break Rapport

Rapport is when two people are experiencing a connection. This usually happens in a solid conversation about shared interests.

Unfortunately, shy people mess this up by acting too needy when they do finally meet someone they can relate to because they don’t have many friends. They don’t want to do anything that might make the other person “disconnect”, so they stay in their safe zone when talking. This makes them boring to be around.

11.  Need To Entertain

Not everything you say has to be witty or clever. In fact, most people won’t remember what you said in a conversation in 5 days, so you might as well say anything. This ties into habit number 12…

12. Feeling You Have To Impress

If you’re shy, you may feel as if the only reason why people hang around you is because you have witty and intelligent comments or something else that impresses them. This is a very shallow way to live, and it’s just too hard to come up with something funny to say in every situation. You wind up talking a lot less than other people.

The reason why you feel the need to impress others is because you are lower social value than them.

So How Can You Change?

Now that you know some of the bad habits you’ve developed over the years, how can you get rid of them? Keep reading the posts on this blog my friend. I think I’ve already packed enough into this one.

Image By Wistine