This isn’t unusual. Many shy people get this thrill. They think that if they were going to die in 2 weeks, they really wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore and their shyness would just disappear. Would this actually happen…or would the person continue to be shy?

What!?!! Is there even a possibility that knowing you’re going to die in 2 weeks wouldn’t change your shyness one bit? I know this is a little hard to accept, but in this article I’ll show you the following:

• Why you may be frustrated because, in theory, it seems so simple to just “pretend you’re going to die” and overcome shyness that way. But when it comes to cold hard reality, you still have that mental block in place that stops you from really living and expressing yourself without nervousness.
• How to use the psychology behind “dying in 2 weeks” to help you overcome your shyness, and get that feeling of being the one in control of your life with no excuses to hold you back.

Why Knowing You’re Gonna Be Dead Soon May Not Work

Many shy people have what I call the “Fixing Mindset”. They think that if only they could fix something about themselves, then they wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore.

Shy people are a lot more critical of themselves than others. They have a very low self-image and may blame their shyness on many different OUTSIDE factors, like having bad teeth, being overweight or having uncool clothes. They think that if only they could get that fixed, they would be okay and wouldn’t be so self-conscious anymore.

Often they finally “fix” the problem, but they’re still the same person. Nothing has changed, really. And they may even look for a new thing that needs “fixing”, just as a way of justifying why they are still shy.

The interesting thing is, there are many outgoing, popular and social people out there with the exact same problems as the shy people, but it doesn’t affect them. They live regular, happy lives and have lots of friends.

So what’s the difference? The difference is that shy people always think that something about them needs to be “fixed” when really, the REAL problem is how the thing AFFECTS them inside. If it didn’t AFFECT them, it wouldn’t need to be fixed. They wouldn’t even be aware of the “problem”!

What Does This Have To Do With Dying?

Many shy people are attracted to the idea of being told they’re going to die in 2 weeks because it gives them the feeling that something inside would be “fixed”. The feeling of relief or excitement you get when thinking of how you would behave if you were gonna die in 2 weeks is there because you think it’ll fix the main problem that’s holding you back.

The problem of facing your fears.

If you were going to die in 2 weeks, what could you be afraid of? Being confident in front of a large group of people? Kissing a random stranger? Going out on a date? There really isn’t anything left to fear, once you know you’re going to die in 2 weeks. You know you’re a goner anyway, so none of this would matter, would it?

Why Does Dying In 2 Weeks Work So Well At “Fixing” Fear?

The secret isn’t in the “dying” part of the idea, but in “2 weeks”. Knowing there’s ONLY 2 weeks gives you a deadline that you have to meet.

Once there’s a deadline, you know that there’s no more time to screw around or avoid taking risks or be afraid of silly things like parties and attractive girls/guys. All these things become small and insignificant, because you only have a limited amount of time left!

How To Die In 2 Weeks Or 2 Months Or 2 Years…

“This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

First you have to know, not fear, but know that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you have no sense of urgency. You think you have all the time in the world to do amazing things, but you may not live to see that particular someday.

That’s the trick behind how to get the feeling you’re going to die in 2 weeks: YOU ACTUALLY ARE! Okay, maybe not 2 weeks, but there’s a definite number. 

If you’re 20 years old, and can expect to live up to 80, the you have 3122 weeks left to live.

Next week it’s going to be 3121.

Photo by Dazzie D

1. Unattractive. You don’t think anyone could possibly be physically attracted to you, and that further lowers your self esteem.
2. Attractive. Almost everyone of the opposite sex think you are good-looking,  looks you over, and comments on how hot/cute you are behind your back.

Are You Unattractive Or Attractive?

If you think you are unattractive and shy, do you ever think that being good looking would help you? Not that it would make you outgoing, but that it might give you more self-confidence, seeing that people find you attractive, and that would lead to you being less anxious about what other people think of you?

If you think you are attractive and shy, do you ever wonder if you are missing a piece of the puzzle? Like you should be able to be confident and outgoing, but something you can’t see inside you is holding you back? (And if you see your reflection by accident while in a social situation you may get a boost of self confidence. It’s like you “forget” you’re good looking.)

I’ll be honest, I would probably put myself in category #2.I’m considered good-looking by a fairly large percentage of the women I meet.

But if you are in either of these categories, then this article will probably be an eye-opener for you.

First of all, if you immediately put yourself into one of the two categories, you already have a misunderstanding of how people judge looks.

Problem 1: There Aren’t Two Types

To call yourself or anybody “attractive” or “unattractive”, is a generalization. Nobody actually fits into one of the two categories above.

However, you can judge good looks on a scale, or by comparison.

That’s why some guys attribute numbers to women based on how good-looking they think the woman is. They may say “She’s an 8″ or “She’s a 10″. The higher the number, the better.

You could also make a comparison like,  ”Sarah’s hotter than Ashley.”

The main point is, if someone is seen as being good-looking, it usually has more to do with the person looking at them, then their own looks.

Some other guy may believe that Ashley is actually hotter than Sarah, or the 8 is a 6, or something else. And they would be right. 

Although some people may fit into a general area on the “Attractiveness Scale”, high or middle or low, nobody has a definite position. Different people find different people good-looking. And as you will soon find out, good looks are not the be-all end-all of attractiveness.

Problem 2: Good Looks Vs. Attractiveness

Someone who is good looking isn’t necessarily attractive. Do good looks help? Sure, good looks can lead to attractiveness, but so can many other things.

First you have to understand what attractiveness is. You have to understand why people are attracted to good-looking people and what makes someone good-looking. Haven’t you ever been curious about these things?

Attractiveness comes from good feelings. Good looks are attractive because looking at someone who is good-looking gives us good feelings.

That’s basically what causes attraction: how a person makes another person feel. The good part about this is, feelings can come from many things, not just looks. (But I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bigger factor for a girl’s attractiveness. They are.)

How To Be Attractive Without Being Good-Looking

People like to be around people who are positive. Feelings are infectuous, and being around someone who is happy makes us feel happy. You can show positivity through your body language, inner “state”(more on this in later articles), and by smiling more. There are even techniques you can use to make yourself feel positive emotions instead of negative ones almost automatically, which I won’t reveal here. But you can’t pretend to be happy, it will show through.

And don’t take that smiling tip lightly. Most popular people, including celebrities, smile a lot. A common occurrence in people who are shy or antisocial is to barely ever smile. You have to consciously force yourself to smile more at the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror. Get any obviously messed up teeth fixed (a problem I had for many years), if that’s stopping you from smiling. 

We also like people who are funny. And I know it’s hard to believe, but it IS possible to learn how to be funny. But it has to be the right type of funny, not jokes only you find funny, or worse, sarcasm.

The Real Problem

I gave you some good basic tips in the last two paragraphs, but reading them and actually doing them is a totally different story. I know how you feel. It is hard to change your personality, if you don’t know exactly what to do. “Be more funny and people will like you” is hardly any advice at all.

Also, the truth is that becoming more good looking would probably not make you happier or more social. Walk into a plastic surgeon’s clinic, and you will find many people, who solved their “problem”, but have not fixed their inner insecurities.

Although from the outside other people may see them as being more good looking than before, from the person’s perspective, nothing has changed. They still have the same low self-esteem and anxiety. They have become good-looking, but not attractive.

Fortunately, I’m working on a book to fix the inner problems first, so you can become more attractive and self confident no matter how ugly or good looking you think you are. It’s not ready yet, but feel free to browse the other articles on this website for now.

Final Wrap-Up

Here are the main points I’ve covered in this article:

• Different people find different people good-looking, and at different levels. There are only gray zones, so it is stupid to put yourself into an “attractive” or “unattractive” category.
• Good looks do not equal attractiveness. They can help, but attractiveness comes from giving someone good feelings. Looking at someone who is good-looking makes you feel good, which makes you think they’re attractive.
• You can become attractive by giving other people good feelings. Positivity, being funny, and an outgoing personality can all cause these feelings.

You feel fear. Intense, shaking fear that rattles through your whole body.

Suddenly there’s a man standing at the opposite end of the room. He yells at you: “Don’t worry! This type of snake doesn’t bite!” Do you feel any different?

After all, the man does give you more information. So there are now two conflicting parts of your brain. One feels fear. The other tries to logically convince the first part not to feel fear.

This is a lot like how shyness works.

First, What Is Shyness Exactly?

I know it’s a stupid question, but this is key.

Many shy people get confused into thinking shyness is something it’s not. When they are young, someone may tell them, “You’re shy.”  This assumes that shyness is a trait of a person. It’s something they are born with or have developed over time to become a part of them, like their hair. Or like being athletic or overweight or hairy. But the scary truth is, shyness isn’t a trait.

Think about it: Are you shy all the time? Even when you’re by yourself? Are you equally shy when you’re talking to someone new as when you’re talking to your closest friend?

Shyness is a reaction. It’s a feeling someone gets in response to certain situations. The amount and the type of reaction someone feels depends on the situation. Shyness isn’t something you are, it’s something you feel, sometimes.

So What?

It’s a reaction, and you can’t control the reaction. Just like you can’t control the fear you get when you see a deadly snake coming at you.

And that means you’re not going to cure your shyness by thinking about it logically. But that’s what most shy people try to do.

No amount of saying “It’s no big deal. It’s just a conversation/speech/girl/guy.” is going to stop that intense physical and emotional response you have in social situations.

The response that makes you want to run away and hide because you’re so nervous.

Shyness Isn’t A Choice

Shyness isn’t a choice, it’s actually much closer to fear than anything else. That means the only way to overcome it is to work smarter, not harder.

The problem isn’t to make yourself “feel less shy”, because you can’t make that choice. The real problem usually runs much deeper.

What I’ve come to realize is that it’s a problem of not facing your fears in life, in general.

Wrap Up

What can you learn from what I said above?

• Shyness isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction.
• You can’t logically convince yourself not to feel shy by thinking, because shyness is automatic. You don’t decide to do it or not based on facts. It’s there or it’s not.
• Therefore the only way to cure shyness is to attack it indirectly. You can’t tell yourself not to feel shy as you are doing it, no matter how many “good reasons” you have not to be shy. You have to fix your shyness by fixing other, underlying issues.

There’s something so much bigger at stake here…and overcoming this issue will lead to success in many other areas of your life. Stick with it!

Photo by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

In the beginning, the young elephant tries to escape. It struggles against the rope that holds it in place. For several days, the rope keeps rubbing the same spot on the elephant’s leg. The rope finally wears through the elephant’s tough outer skin, and cuts into the elephant’s soft pink flesh. The pain is excruciating. It’s the worst thing the animal has ever felt.

The elephant soon learns that pulling and struggling against the rope will only bring him pain, so he doesn’t struggle anymore.

The elephant grows to be a 12,000 pound monster-sized animal. It could physically crush the animal trainer like a small bug. But it doesn’t.

The animal trainer still keeps it tied up. To the same short wooden stake. If the elephant tried, it could snap the wooden stake in half by simply shifting its weight. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t think it can break free of the stake because of the early experiences it had trying to break free. It thinks the outcome will be pain, instead of freedom.

Elephants are really not that different from shy people in this way.

Do You Avoid Wearing Nicer Looking Clothes Because You Worry About What Other People Will Think Of You?

Some shy people have this problem: You may tend to wear the most plain looking clothes, even stupid looking clothes. You feel ashamed, anxious and shy to wear clothes that you have been said to look good in.

Basically, you run away from positive attention as much as from negative attention. But then you also regret it when people of the opposite sex ignore you when you dress like a loser. Or when other people look at you skeptically, probably mocking your dress sense.

Why Do You Do This?

It all comes down to social value or status, and what you believe your social value is. It’s where you think you “fit” in the social ladder.

See, you have an identity in your mind that you have developed over time and become attached to. That identity is based on what you think other people think of you. Acting outside of that identity is hard to do. It’s the main reason why shy people feel “held back” from expressing themselves fully.

If you think other people think you’re a loser when you wear stupid clothes, then wearing cool clothes will make you feel like a fraud. It won’t feel natural, for a reason that goes back to the days people lived in caves.

Acting outside of the identity you have of yourself activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. This is a survival mechanism. Back when humans just needed to survive, it wasn’t a good idea for everyone to be high social value. There had to be a few key leaders to keep tribes running smoothly, and they needed to be securely in power. It wouldn’t do the whole tribe any good if every week some new guy came along and thought he could be the leader.

Going back to the elephant example, it wouldn’t help the animal trainers if the elephant suddenly realized that he was able to overpower them and break free.

If you are shy, then you tend to act based on what you’ve been conditioned to do in the past, not what you are actually capable of. You are afraid to act too confident or dress clothes that look too good because of invisible constraints you put on yourself from the past.

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.

How Does This Work?

Imagine a popular, macho guy. It makes sense to think he would be uncomfortable walking down the street in clothes that weren’t cool, like a pink dress.

But many people are confused that the same applies for people who try to dress above their status. Like if an unpopular guy suddenly got an attractive shirt that made him stand out. He’s been conditioned that he has low social value, so the shirt makes him feel like he’s going against what other people really think of him.

How Can I Get Rid Of This Feeling?

The good news is, you aren’t an elephant and you aren’t a caveman. (I hope) It is possible to get rid of your insecurity over time, simply because you are aware of it now.

The bad news is that there’s no “magic button”. I can’t make you suddenly feel comfortable wearing cool clothes. The only way to do it is to change how you think about social interaction at a fundamental level. The only way to make yourself comfortable is to change your identity.Then the clothes will feel “right”, and uncool clothes will make you uncomfortable.

You have to change what you think other people think of you. Now, I know you can’t change what other people think of you. You can’t control their thoughts. But you can change what you think they think.

This is related to building self-confidence, which I’ll write more about in the future. At first you may think you’re fooling yourself, then slowly you will find yourself actually becoming a cool person for real.

Won’t People Notice If I Change?

Maybe some of your close friends will, but they’ll get used to it.

The process of wearing cooler clothes actually runs counter intuitive to much of the advice I give. The key is to switch completely, not gradually. Decide on a date when you won’t wear any of your old clothes, then buy cool clothes to last you for at least a week. Then get rid of most of your old clothes.

Don’t think you can do that? That’s your identity talking. Don’t worry. I’m working on more posts, so check back to this blog often. I’m also working on a book aimed to completely change you from a shy person to an outgoing person.

The Big Picture

• Your feelings come from how you think other people perceive you. The key is to change your thoughts, not other people’s.
• A guy or girl who thinks they are low status won’t want to go against this identity they have decided on. Going against it activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It’s a survival mechanism.
• The only cure is to change how you think other people perceive you.

Photo by Adam Foster

There’s a right way to use sarcasm that makes other people think you’re funny. There’s also a wrong way that makes people see you as an antisocial loser from a mile away. What’s worse is that both ways look very similar on the surface. Most shy people accidentally use sarcasm the wrong way.

Do you want to know what the difference is between the right way and the wrong way?

The Wrong Way:

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “Make sure you don’t look in the knife drawer. We obviously don’t keep knives in there.”

The Right Way

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

The right way to use sarcasm is to not use it at all. Bob was just asking a straightforward question. Most people would answer it in a straightforward way. Shy people have the urge to use sarcasm for several reasons.

Why Do Shy People Use Sarcasm?

It’s a way to hide your true feelings.You have trouble coming up with something REAL to say, so you resort to sarcasm as a way to talk.

Using sarcasm is also the easiest way to give other people the impression of self confidence. It helps break the ice when you meet someone new.

Unfortunately, sarcasm gets annoying really fast. WhenI talk to other shy people from the perspective of an outgoing person, it can be frustrating. I might be  just asking general questions, and I keep getting sarcastic replies, like the other person doesn’t know how to make normal everyday conversation.

That’s why you should learn to use sarcasm the right way. People will get annoyed at you, but you’ll just keep saying sarcastic things. Soon nobody will be too enthusiastic to talk to you.

How Can I Stop Using Sarcasm?

First, learn how to make small talk and carry on a conversation. I’ll be making more posts on this in the future and may even write a small ebook on it soon. Keep checking back to this website for more tips.

The reason why you have to learn how to make small talk is because you need to have something to say. The main reason why you use sarcasm so much is because you have nothing else of substance to tell the other person. Sarcasm is a crutch that helps you actually say something once in a while.

By learning basic conversational skills you replace sarcasm with better habits.

Give Straightforward Replies

If someone asks you a question, even if the answer is stupidly simple and obvious, don’t use sarcasm. Just answer their question. If you follow through with the tip I gave you above, and learn some conversational skills, you won’t need sarcasm to say something or express yourself anymore.

Example of the Right Way: (from above)

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

See how easy it is?

What Else Will I Talk About?

Many shy people are scared to stop using sarcasm because they’re afraid that without it, they’ll stop talking completely. This isn’t true. Think of all the outgoing people you’ve seen. Most of them almost never use sarcasm, yet they still talk and connect with people. 

The reason why you’re scared is because the main way you talk to people is by answering their questions. Outside of that, you don’t know what you’re supposed to talk about. By using these windows of opportunity when people ask you something to be sarcastic, you might get a quick laugh and feel more social for a minute.

But if you don’t talk to someone outside of answering their questions sarcastically, no real friendship or relationship is possible.

Won’t I Lose My Personality?

Sarcasm isn’t part of your personality. Sarcasm is a habit you’ve developed over time.

It’s a habit you should try to get rid of because of all the reasons I told you above. Sarcasm may be a short-term solution if you want to feel less antisocial, but it won’t make you less antisocial. All it does is give you a small, bitter type of feeling that you aren’t that shy, that lasts for about 20 seconds.

The only way to become less shy is to learn how to talk to people. To do this you’re going to have to give up the old habits you developed being shy. That includes sarcasm.

And one more thing. You don’t have to be sarcastic to be funny. The main thing to remember is that sarcasm is funny to most people only for the first one or two times. Then it gets boring to talk to you. Believe me, there are many, many ways to be funny without using sarcasm.

Aren’t Some Outgoing People Sarcastic?

Yes, there are plenty of people who aren’t shy and are sarcastic. Does this mean sarcasm isn’t related to shyness?

The answer lies in when outgoing people use shyness compared to when shy people do. An outgoing person can talk normally and be sarcastic and people will find him or her funny.

When a shy person uses sarcasm, it is only after someone has asked them a question. That’s the key point.

If you want to overcome shyness, you have to learn how to carry on a real conversation, without using automated sarcastic replies to questions all the time. I know the idea makes you a little nervous inside because sarcasm is a comfort mechanism for many shy people.

Sarcasm For Shy People: Step-By-Step

Here’s a quick run-down of the guide to sarcasm for shy people:

1. Sarcasm is what shy people do when they don’t have anything REAL to say. If you really want to overcome shyness, you have to give up being sarcastic.
2. Replace sarcasm by learning conversation skills and small talk.
3. Give straightforward replies to straightforward questions. Avoid sarcasm at all costs.

By now you realize you don’t need sarcasm. If you want to get over being shy, it’s something you’re going to have to give up.

Try this: the next time you’re tempted to give someone a sarcastic reply, try giving them a straightforward answer. See how it goes. What have you got to lose?

Photo by Gytis

Suddenly, your mind goes blank.

What do you do? You desperately try to think of something to say, and an awkward silence falls across the class. They’re all looking at you. Everybody’s watching.

Suddenly you’re not sure where you should put your hands. You move them awkwardly to the back edge of your desk, and you feel how cold and sweaty they are. But there’s no time to worry about that. You have to say something, anything. Quick!

You blurt out an answer. Why does your voice sound so weird? Everyone keeps looking at you for some reason. Now your voice sounds a little better. You wish the teacher would move on with the other people in the class…

What Did You Do Wrong?

Maybe that situation has happened to you before. Maybe it’s happened to you many times. Or maybe some other, similar situation has happened. It’s happened to me, and it happens to most people who are shy, for a reason.

The reason is shy people tend be preoccupied about what other people think of them. In the classroom, you were very aware that everyone was watching you. You didn’t want to mess up.

You didn’t want other people to get the wrong impression of you, so you had to think carefully about what you were going to say or do next. Unfortunately, your plan backfired horribly.

You Fell Into A Trap

It’s a trap many shy people get caught up in: they try to micro-manage what other people think of them. They constantly think about little things that are unimportant.

For example: Is what you say next going to be liked? Are your clothes representative of your personality? Will the way you walk give off the right vibe? What’s the right body language? Will doing this or that make you seem less smart? Do people secretly respect the way you are?

This is the process shy people go through before they say or do something:

1. “What should I say next?”
2. “Will it sound good?”
3. “What’s the best way to say it?”
4. …and only then do they actually say it.

This type of thinking is called Self-Monitoring, and it’s bad for several reasons:

1. You Hesitate

Instead of just letting go and expressing yourself, you think and think and think. And only after do you do something. It’s not fun for you and it’s not fun for other people. It’s unnatural. The more you hesitate before doing something, the more contrived it will seem when you finally do.

For example, if you think of something to say, and them wonder if you should say it, you get nervous. It stops becoming something that just popped into your head and becomes YOUR own idea. You put more and more importance on how people will react to it the longer you wait. When you finally do say it, you’re nervous. You control how your act through conscious effort, and it comes out unnatural.

2. You Seem Out Of Focus

When you Self-Monitor, you seem out of focus. Like you’re actually 10 seconds in the past or 10 seconds in the future, instead of being in the NOW and enjoying it.

Only shy people and those who are extremely self-conscious monitor what they do. Normal people don’t. What normal people do, is not think at all. They don’t think about what they’re going to say next. They get a general feeling of what they want to communicate, and they say it.

Think back to one of your best experiences socially. Chances are, it felt like the right words were somehow coming out of your mouth automatically. You weren’t stuck in your head, trying to come up with something to say. It was all flowing, and you felt in the moment and connected to the other person. Best of all, you were having fun.

3. You Seem Inauthentic

Oh, the irony. You want people to like you and think you’re a swell guy or girl, but they don’t. They think you’re inauthentic.

When you think about everything you say and do, it doesn’t come from you directly. It’s been filtered by your brain, and people can feel it. They can sense the slight offness when you’ve been thinking of a remark for a minute. They don’t feel the same energy coming from you as from a person who comes up with something to say on the spot, and that lack of energy turns them off.

How Do You Stop Self-Monitoring?

First, you have to realize when you’re doing it. You do it when you’re trying to consciously control internal processes that are normally unconscious. What does that mean?

Do you control how you move your mouth when you talk? Do you consciously control how you’re breathing? Do you think about how your arms and legs move as you walk or sit down? Maybe you aren’t doing it now, but in tough social situations you do it. You shouldn’t EVER do this. 

When you realize you are doing any of these things, this is what you should do:

Switch your focus. Think about being on the beach. Count to one hundred. Think of something that will take you mind completely off what you’re doing physically.

Stop talking to yourself. If you’re constantly doing this in your head, stop. It’s part of Self-Monitoring. You’re probably talking to yourself about what you’re doing, or about to do. Switch your focus using the technique I just showed you.

Don’t hesitate. When a thought pops into your head, express it. The longer you wait the worse your fear of expressing it badly becomes. Downplay. You could be in a war zone right now. You’re just talking to someone, maybe it’s your teacher.

These things should come naturally. So don’t consciously force your mouth to move when you’re talking Or your arms to move a certain way when you’re walking. Switch your focus, relax, and have fun.

The Blueprint

1. Realize when you’re self-monitoring
2. Switch your focus off yourself.
3. Stop talking to yourself.
4. Don’t hesitate for a second.

Photo by missjdub

I hated seeing how I acted in those days. I was always the quietest one, barely able to control my actions and reactions. Usually I thought I was a little shy, almost normal, but seeing those videos I was embarrassed to see how much different and insecure I actually was compared to other people.

I wince inside, thinking back to those days.

Over the years, I realized there are some habits almost all shy and antisocial people have in common that make other people think they’re loners.

If that’s not bad enough, most shy people aren’t even aware of what they are. The habits are automatic and subconscious. That’s why I was always surprised when I saw how I actually acted in real life. 

But the good news is, once you see what these habits are, you can make adjustments to how you act and become more comfortable in your own skin.

1. Being Stuck In Your Head

Outgoing people talk to other people. Shy people talk to themselves. It’s a comfort mechanism, more than anything. 

The important thing to realize is that talking to yourself is a habit (like everything else on this post), and habits can be broken. Whenever you realize you are talking to yourself, STOP. This will help you “get out of your head”, talk more and eventually start becoming more extroverted.

2. Not Paying Attention To Others

One of the biggest tips many conversation experts give is to become actively involved in listening to conversations. Many shy people get into the habit of just standing there, thinking and talking to themselves inside their own head, and listening, but not paying too close attention, to what everyone else is talking about.

Once you start to pay close attention, and put more energy into thinking about what other people are talking about, you won’t have a problem thinking about what to say next. Stuff will be popping into your head all of the time. You’re just going to have to suck it up and say it.

3. Nervousness

Relax, dude. What’s the worst thing that can happen when you’re in the middle of a social situation?

In the pictures I mentioned before, I almost always looked as if I was nervous and tense. Not good. Being relaxed helps you to enjoy situations. Also, shy people tend to automatically “tense up” some of their muscles when they are nervous.

Every once in a while, check if your neck, shoulders and stomach area are tensed up. Your shoulders, when they are tense, will be higher than normal. Take a long, slow breath and as you are letting it go, relax any tense muscles you have.

4. Paranoia

You may think everybody is judging you, and every small action you take and every thing you say. FACT: Nobody really cares about you. (They’re too busy worrying about what other people think of them.)

Next time you feel self-conscious, look at a random person and take note of how you feel about them. If the person you picked is truly random, then you probably won’t have any emotion whatsoever.

That’s how most people who see you feel about you: INDIFFERENT. It took me a long time to realize that.

5. Self-Monitoring

You “micro-manage” what you do. That means you think of what you’re going to say before you say it. You think about what you’re going to do before you actually do it. This makes everything you do and everything you say seem unnatural. 

There’s a lot of info about how to overcome this in my post on talking about nothing.

6. Feeling You Don’t Deserve Good Things

You feel you aren’t good enough for that hot girl or guy to even talk to them. If someone compliments you, you don’t really know how to respond because, deep down, you don’t feel you deserve the compliment. (I’ll talk more on this in a future post.)

7. Fear Of Expression

You feel “held back” – like you can’t just let go and do what feels natural. This can make you quiet and limit your body language.

I remember in social situations I used to have crazy ideas like screaming at the top of my lungs just to see what would happen. I knew I was PHYSICALLY capable of doing it, but something inside seemed to stop me. This is caused by a lack of confidence (also see Habit #9).

8. Arrogant Beliefs

You may think you’re smarter than most people you meet. You may even think that the reason why other people get along so well is because they’re on the same level – while you can see “how things really are”.

If you can relate to that feeling, then the trick is to realize where it comes from. It comes from your bitterness that people don’t seem to like you despite all the “reasons” why they should – you being smart, or talented at something, etc.

9. Hinging Self-Esteem On What Others Think

You let other people decide how you feel. If they say something bad to you, you immediately feel bad inside. You take their opinions as being fact.

The reality is that it’s impossible to make everyone like you, and sooner or later you’re going to have to get used to that. If you don’t, you’ll die sad and unfulfilled because you always seek the approval of other people.

10. Fear To Break Rapport

Rapport is when two people are experiencing a connection. This usually happens in a solid conversation about shared interests.

Unfortunately, shy people mess this up by acting too needy when they do finally meet someone they can relate to because they don’t have many friends. They don’t want to do anything that might make the other person “disconnect”, so they stay in their safe zone when talking. This makes them boring to be around.

11.  Need To Entertain

Not everything you say has to be witty or clever. In fact, most people won’t remember what you said in a conversation in 5 days, so you might as well say anything. This ties into habit number 12…

12. Feeling You Have To Impress

If you’re shy, you may feel as if the only reason why people hang around you is because you have witty and intelligent comments or something else that impresses them. This is a very shallow way to live, and it’s just too hard to come up with something funny to say in every situation. You wind up talking a lot less than other people.

The reason why you feel the need to impress others is because you are lower social value than them.

So How Can You Change?

Now that you know some of the bad habits you’ve developed over the years, how can you get rid of them? Keep reading the posts on this blog my friend. I think I’ve already packed enough into this one.

Image By Wistine