Suddenly, you see someone coming towards you on the sidewalk. You start to freak out inside. Immediately you get this sudden urge to cross the street or turn back, but they’ve already seen you. It would look weird.

It’s a guy and he’s getting closer. You go into complete anxiety mode. Your heart starts racing, your stomach is turning over, and you feel clumsy and awkward. You start to analyze everylittle thing you do, right down to how you walk and where you should look. You wonder what’s the “normal” thing to do?

Why Do Shy People Feel This Way?

Be honest, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you walked past someone the wrong way? Even if you stared at them a little too long or you walked strangely or whatever. You still wouldn’t get hurt or be affected in any long-term way in most places in today’s society.

So where do the anxious feelings come from? Why do you get them when you see a total stranger coming towards you?

It comes down to how humans evolved. In our years of evolution, showing outward defiance (direct eye contact) to someone of higher status than you could get you hurt, killed or kicked out of the tribe. It was in your best interest to worry about how you passed the dominant male leader of the tribe so that he wouldn’t accidentally mistake you for competition. So the anxiety is a “leftover” feeling from those days.

Shyness Or Survival Instinct?

The feeling comes from a place of “survival”, more than it comes from “shyness”. Even non-shy people get the feeling. Imagine a normally confident, regular middle-aged man walking down a deserted street. Suddenly he sees a group of gang members walking towards him. He doesn’t want to give the gang members a reason to attack him, but at the same time, he also doesn’t want to look like he would be an easy target for a mugging. He starts to go through the same anxiety you go do. Heart racing, stomach flops, analyzing everything he’s doing. 

The same feeling comes when almost anyone walks by a person they find attractive. You immediately think the attractive person is higher status than you are, because of their looks, and you get nervous. But instead of trying not to piss a high status person off, in this case you’re trying to impress them. Which leads to analyzing and awkwardness because of your shyness.

The big difference in  shy people is that they feel almost everyone is higher status than them. That’s why you get the anxious feeling when you pass ordinary, harmless people. That’s the cause of your problem. Need more proof?

What Happens When You Pass An Old Person On The Street?

Do you ever feel more comfortable passing old people than people your own age or younger?

It’s not that they’re friendlier. The truth is, you perceive old people in general to be lower social status than yourself (even if they are a lot more outgoing and social). You do this because they can’t usually fight or dominate. Several thousand years ago, it was very unlikely that an old person was an important leader that you were afraid of offending.

I realize some of this sounds kind of like pseudo-logic, but you have to understand that the human species has been evolving for millions of years. It was only in the last few hundred that modern society was formed. A lot of the stuff people do, they do because it’s been built-in to us over ages. And we usually don’t realize to what extent these built-in responses govern our actions.

So What Should You Do When Walking By A Stranger?

I could tell you how long to hold eye contact, where to look and how you should walk when approaching someone to make the best impression, instead I’ll say: IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER! There is no “normal” way to walk past someone.

I’m going to tell you the truth here, and the truth is that no one notices how you act when they walk by. It’s not that they don’t see you. They see, but they don’t care. No normal person thinks about it afterwards or gives it a second thought. Even if you do something really weird as you walk by, they will forget about it in 30 seconds. Why? Because it doesn’t affect them.

A Couple Tips

First, try not to look down at the ground as you pass people. It doesn’t matter to the person that’s passing by, but it should matter to you. Looking down broadcasts that you’re shy and unconfident through your body language. Look up and get used to doing it. Break the habit. After a while it won’t be so hard.

Second, pretend you’re the other person, and you’re walking towards yourself. This will give you a new perspective, and you’ll see that by feeling nervous you’re just making yourself look worse. You need to relax and then simply think about something else. Take the person walking towards you out of your mind completely. The less you think the less you’ll feel anxious.

Summary

Here’s what’s been covered in this article:

• The anxious feelings you get when you walk by someone comes from thousands of years of evolution. It’s more about “survival” than “shyness”.
• Everyone gets this type of anxiety sometimes. Shy people get it all of the time because they believe almost everyone is higher status than them.
• It doesn’t really matter what you do, because the other person either won’t notice or won’t care. They’ll be too busy worrying about themselves and their own issues.

The next time you’re walking down the street, and you see someone coming at you, you’ll still get the feeling. But something will be different. Now that you know where it comes from and that it is perfectly normal, the feeling will “lose its edge”. You’ll realize the other person is judging you even less than you’re judging them, which is zero. And you will feel like you’ve been given a new perspective on shyness.

Don’t believe me? Go outside and try it.

Photo by da100fotos

They just don’t get it.

In most situations, your body language should be used to make other people think you are a confident, sociable person. First you have to be aware of what you are now doing wrong to be able to fix it.

After you start to see what you’re doing wrong, you’ll have to consciously fix it. But after a while, it becomes habit and confident body language will become natural to you. You want to get to the point where you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

1. Darting eyes

Being insecure makes you want to “watch out” for anything that is going on around you. Your eyes constantly dart everywhere, and you probably don’t even realize it, unless someone videotapes you.

The opposite of this is strong, relaxed eye contact. No matter what you believe, people DO make eye contact. Even with complete strangers. It only makes you uncomfortable, not the other person.

2. Fidgeting

This is the main thing shy people do when they’re really nervous. 

First of all, you have to realize when you are doing it, and stop. Plant your feet in one spot, relax your arms at your sides, and take your hands off of your face. You have to learn to relax in social situations. The best way to do this is to act like you are already relaxed on the outside.

3. Stumbling over words

Social people let words FLOW out of their mouth. They never go back to a word they mispronounced and repeat it.

The real problem here is that social pressure gets to your head, and makes you talk differently. I’m sure there are some people who you have no problem talking smoothly to. To fix the problem of stumling over words, you have to increase your tolerance to being in social situations.

4. Tentative gestures

Most shy people have a very limited range of expression. This goes for their voice and their body language. They aren’t confident enough to make broad, sweeping gestures, dance, or have a wide range of tonality in their voice.

One quick tip I can give you is practice. Practice making gestures in the mirror. See how tentative gestures make you look shy, and how BIG gestures make you look like a regular person.

5. Nervous habits

You can’t fake body language. What you think on the inside will broadcast on the outside. There are a whole lot of insecure habits shy people have that affect their outer confidence.

6. Staring at the floor

Whatever you do, don’t look down. A lot of shy people get into the habit of looking at the ground. They “watch out” for obstacles in their way. Try not looking down for a day. At first you may be scared of tripping, but soon you’ll get used to it. It’s all about breaking the habit. Keep your chin up, ALWAYS, and your posture straight but relaxed.

One thing you’ll find, is that by acting confident on the outside, you’ll soon start feeling more confident on the inside, all the time.

And isn’t that fun?

Photo by Toni Blay

And then you see these same people giving their full attention to other people, who are seen as being popular.

Doesn’t that just piss you off? I remember that used to happen to me all of the time. It seemed like everybody cared about themselves and other social people, but nobody seemed to care what I had to say, even if I tried to be more outgoing. Even if what I said was funny or interesting.

Why Does This Happen?

To understand why this happens, you have to first understand one basic but VERY important idea: Social Value. (I wrote a whole post explaining social value here.)

Here’s the basic overview: In every interaction between two people, one person is higher status. He or she may be better-connected socially, more dominant, a better leader, or just more popular with everyone. For girls, good looks also are a factor.

So one person is always “cooler”. The person who is lower status usually ends up “trying harder” to get the high status person’s approval. Even you do this.

Are you ever much more energetic or do you try harder than usual to come up with something interesting to say when you’re talking to someone popular and well-known?

You Try Harder To Get Them To Like You

And I bet you’re much more laid back and “natural”, much less shy, when you’re talking to someone most people think is a loser?

I know it sucks when you are on the lower end of this “social value scale”, but it’s very important to see how this works. And to understand that everybody does this unconsciously. They don’t know they are doing it. You probably didn’t even realize you were doing the thing you hate to othe people until now.

But here’s a warning: now that you understand that people pay more attention to people of higher status, and almost ignore people who are lower status, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THIS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Why Do You (And Everyone Else) Do This?

 People are selfish. I’m not going to try to convince you of this here, but it’s true. Whatever people do, they do to please themselves.

It’s an idea I came across in advertising books. Almost all of the best advertisements in history succeeded because they were aimed at solving a problem someone had.

They didn’t say “Buy This Product Now!”, instead they said “Do You Have This Problem?” and then led the prospect to see the advertiser’s product as being the solution to the problem.

You are selfish by nature. Even people who donate to charity do it because of the feeling donating gives them. That feeling is worth more to them than the money they give, so it’s a good deal.

Everyone’s Climbing The Ladder

Because you’re selfish, you are always trying to better your current situation and climb higher up the social ladder.

You do this by befriending people who are above you on it. People below you won’t make a difference or they may even lower your social value.

That’s why many people don’t care about their interactions with shy people, but place so much importance when they’re talking to someone popular. They want to go up, not down, and shy people are naturally low status.

It’s a function built into humans to be able to survive. We don’t need it as much today as we did in our caveman days.

How Do You Reverse It?

If you want to make people care about you, you have to make them believe you are higher social status than they are.

This has nothing to do with showing off or being loud. It has nothing to do with how many friends you have, or how interesting you are.

I’ll give you a hint: It’s all about your personality. And your personality is NOT “who you are”, it’s what you do. It’s your habits and behaviors. 

Your behaviors need to shift from neediness to indifference.

I’m working on a book right now that explains exactly how do that, and how to transform yourself from a low status person to high status. I don’t want to spoil the surprise in this one article.

The Summary:

So what can you learn from what I’ve taught you above?

• In every human interaction, there is always a person who has higher social status.
• It is natural for the lower status person to “try harder“ to become the high status person’s friend.
• The higher status person usually doesn’t give much attention to the lower status one, because it doesn’t give him/her any benefit. (Actually, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the not caring makes the person seem high status.)
• In order to make people care, you have to know what habits and behaviors make people think you are low status, and reverse them. These habits are very closely related to shyness and social phobia.

The good news for you is, this website is all about the habits and behaviors of shy people, and how to change them.

Photo by dhammza

That’s the headline of thePopularLife.com. The website sells an ebook called “Popular”. The guy behind the website seems like a jerk. The important thing is: does he actually know what he’s talking about?

I purchased the ebook to see if it would help shy people become more social, and to find out if there were any new ideas in it. Does the ebook live up to the claims?

What’s The Ebook Actually About?

First thing you have to know: The target audience for this book isn’t someone who is already social and wants to become really popular. The target audience is people who are shy, introverted or socially anxious.

Here’s what else I can tell you: The ebook isn’t about giving you lines to use the next time you’re talking to someone. It’s more focused on how to change your personality so that you are able to come up with your own lines and be relaxed in many social situations. It’s about giving you a new perspective on social interaction.

Do you know that feeling you get just before entering a social situation? The nervous suspenseful feeling around your chest and shoulders? This ebook aims to get rid of that, so you can become a person who naturally enjoys being around other people. It tries to transform you from an introvert to an extrovert.

The phrase “manipulative psychology” is a marketing gimmick, in my opinion. It’s more about using psychology to change how you behave and react. By doing that you indirectly change how other people react to you.

But It’s Not All Good

It’s a very short book at 56 pages, considering the price. But that does make it possible to read it in one sitting.

The author also takes a while to warm up. The best information in the ebook is near the back half.

Will Buying It Make You Popular?

No. Did you really think it was that easy? Buying the ebook won’t make you popular, even though using it might…

In case you were looking for something to magically make you popular, there are two things you need to know:

1. Changing your personality is a gradual process by nature and it’s going to take time and commitment. While this book can provide you with the tools, it cannot do the work for you. Remember that you always have to remain active.

2. Perhaps the most important factor in your own success is going to be whether you put the effort into changing your own personality for a significant amount of time or not. You must approach this book as something you’’re going to gear every aspect of your life around. You have to be working at it all the time. There is no such thing as a part-time commitment, or taking my suggestions “now and then”, it must be followed constantly.

Is It A Scam?

No. It’s just a guy selling his book. He does have some weird marketing, but he isn’t going to run with your money.

If anything, his marketing is actually too good. Some people may get the impression that he is selling something that will magically solve all their problems for them overnight. What he is actually selling is a down-to-earth, practical guide to getting rid of your most common antisocial behaviours and replacing them with better ones.

Table Of Contents

Here’s what’s in the book:

INTRODUCTION

• WHAT YOU WON’T FIND IN THIS BOOK
• HOW TO HANDLE THIS BOOK
• WHY IS PERSONALITY IMPORTANT?

PERSONALITY STARTERS

• UNIMAGINABLE BENEFITS
• SOME REWARDS OF A NEW PERSONALITY
• WHAT IS REQUIRED?

GET IN THE MOOD

• THIS ISN’T ABOUT MORALS OR BEING A GOOD PERSON
• WON’T PEOPLE NOTICE IF I CHANGE?

ATTRIBUTES OF THE SUCCESSFUL

• BECOME AN OPPORTUNIST
• I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY
• WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME THE WAY I AM?

DYNAMICS OF CHANGE

• HOW THE PROCESS WORKS
• ISN’T IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY?

DEFINING BETTER

• WHAT MAKES A GOOD PERSONALITY?
• WHAT TO CHANGE INTO

INITIAL RULES OF SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• YOU MUST CONFORM
• IMITATING OTHERS

ACTING VS. NATURAL CHANGE

• BACKBONES OF PERSONALITY
• TO REITERATE: YOU ARE NOT AN ACTOR
• HOW PERSONALITIES CHANGE
• WORK AND TIME

BARRIERS TO SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• PERCEIVED OBSTACLES
• ADMITTING TO YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE
• COMBATING INDIVIDUALISM

ACCEPT THE UNPLEASANT

• DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF

ORIGIN OF PERSONALITY

• YOU’RE NOT BORN WITH A PERSONALITY
• HOW FUTURE EXPERIENCES ARE ALTERED BY PAST ONES

PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONING

• TALKING TO YOURSELF
• HOW TO STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF (SELF COMMUNICATION)
• INTROVERT TO EXTROVERT
• INTELLIGENT ACTING PEOPLE ARE THE UNHAPPIEST
• CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

BEHAVING IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS

• NOBODY LIKES PEOPLE WHO ARE NEGATIVE
• SMILE MORE
• TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR

GETTING INSIDE PEOPLE’S HEADS

• WE ALL WANT TO BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT SAME WAY
• GAIN TRUST BY LETTING PEOPLE DOWN ON IRRELEVANT POINTS
• BEING “CALLED” ON INCONSISTENCIES

PURSUE CONVERSATIONS

• MAINTAINING/FORMING RELATIONSHIPS 
• GO AFTER THE RIGHT PEOPLE
• IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S THAT YOU SAY IT
• YOUR COMMENT GOES SEEMINGLY UNNOTICED

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

• LOSE WEIGHT IF NEED BE
• IF YOU HAVE A BEARD, GET RID OF IT

LOSE THE IRRATIONAL DREAMS

• YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD

HANDLING CONVERSATION

• OTHER PEOPLE LIKE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM
• YOU ALSO DON’T NEED TO HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY IN GROUP CONVERSATIONS
• THE ONLY PERSON STANDING IN YOUR WAY IS YOURSELF
• GETTING OVER NERVOUSNESS OF TALKING TO PEOPLE
• YOU DON’T NEED AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO SOMEONE
• HOW TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

TAKING CONTROL OF PEOPLE 

• ACT LIKE YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL
• BECOME A SALESMAN

CLOSING POINTS 

Final Thoughts

Overall, The Popular Life Ebook is a very good guide for someone who is shy wanting to get better. If you follow the steps the author lays out, it’s virtually impossible not to become more social.

You have to overlook the author’s personality and actually put his ideas into practice to get the most out of his book.

The best part about this book, is that it’s different. There were things in it that I’d never heard before, and I’ve read a lot of books on these subjects. Some of the ideas he presents are so simple that when you first read them you think he’s bullshitting you. The truth is, being popular isn’t supposed to be complicated. It’s mostly a matter of changing certain fundamental behaviours that you’ve developed.

At $29.95, your decision to buy depends on two things:

1. If you can afford it.
2. How much becoming more social is worth to you.

Here’s the link: The Popular Life | Become More Popular

If you do buy it, please post your own comment below so that other people in your situation can benefit in the future.

There’s a right way to use sarcasm that makes other people think you’re funny. There’s also a wrong way that makes people see you as an antisocial loser from a mile away. What’s worse is that both ways look very similar on the surface. Most shy people accidentally use sarcasm the wrong way.

Do you want to know what the difference is between the right way and the wrong way?

The Wrong Way:

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “Make sure you don’t look in the knife drawer. We obviously don’t keep knives in there.”

The Right Way

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

The right way to use sarcasm is to not use it at all. Bob was just asking a straightforward question. Most people would answer it in a straightforward way. Shy people have the urge to use sarcasm for several reasons.

Why Do Shy People Use Sarcasm?

It’s a way to hide your true feelings.You have trouble coming up with something REAL to say, so you resort to sarcasm as a way to talk.

Using sarcasm is also the easiest way to give other people the impression of self confidence. It helps break the ice when you meet someone new.

Unfortunately, sarcasm gets annoying really fast. WhenI talk to other shy people from the perspective of an outgoing person, it can be frustrating. I might be  just asking general questions, and I keep getting sarcastic replies, like the other person doesn’t know how to make normal everyday conversation.

That’s why you should learn to use sarcasm the right way. People will get annoyed at you, but you’ll just keep saying sarcastic things. Soon nobody will be too enthusiastic to talk to you.

How Can I Stop Using Sarcasm?

First, learn how to make small talk and carry on a conversation. I’ll be making more posts on this in the future and may even write a small ebook on it soon. Keep checking back to this website for more tips.

The reason why you have to learn how to make small talk is because you need to have something to say. The main reason why you use sarcasm so much is because you have nothing else of substance to tell the other person. Sarcasm is a crutch that helps you actually say something once in a while.

By learning basic conversational skills you replace sarcasm with better habits.

Give Straightforward Replies

If someone asks you a question, even if the answer is stupidly simple and obvious, don’t use sarcasm. Just answer their question. If you follow through with the tip I gave you above, and learn some conversational skills, you won’t need sarcasm to say something or express yourself anymore.

Example of the Right Way: (from above)

Bob: “Where can I find a knife?”

You: “In the knife drawer.”

See how easy it is?

What Else Will I Talk About?

Many shy people are scared to stop using sarcasm because they’re afraid that without it, they’ll stop talking completely. This isn’t true. Think of all the outgoing people you’ve seen. Most of them almost never use sarcasm, yet they still talk and connect with people. 

The reason why you’re scared is because the main way you talk to people is by answering their questions. Outside of that, you don’t know what you’re supposed to talk about. By using these windows of opportunity when people ask you something to be sarcastic, you might get a quick laugh and feel more social for a minute.

But if you don’t talk to someone outside of answering their questions sarcastically, no real friendship or relationship is possible.

Won’t I Lose My Personality?

Sarcasm isn’t part of your personality. Sarcasm is a habit you’ve developed over time.

It’s a habit you should try to get rid of because of all the reasons I told you above. Sarcasm may be a short-term solution if you want to feel less antisocial, but it won’t make you less antisocial. All it does is give you a small, bitter type of feeling that you aren’t that shy, that lasts for about 20 seconds.

The only way to become less shy is to learn how to talk to people. To do this you’re going to have to give up the old habits you developed being shy. That includes sarcasm.

And one more thing. You don’t have to be sarcastic to be funny. The main thing to remember is that sarcasm is funny to most people only for the first one or two times. Then it gets boring to talk to you. Believe me, there are many, many ways to be funny without using sarcasm.

Aren’t Some Outgoing People Sarcastic?

Yes, there are plenty of people who aren’t shy and are sarcastic. Does this mean sarcasm isn’t related to shyness?

The answer lies in when outgoing people use shyness compared to when shy people do. An outgoing person can talk normally and be sarcastic and people will find him or her funny.

When a shy person uses sarcasm, it is only after someone has asked them a question. That’s the key point.

If you want to overcome shyness, you have to learn how to carry on a real conversation, without using automated sarcastic replies to questions all the time. I know the idea makes you a little nervous inside because sarcasm is a comfort mechanism for many shy people.

Sarcasm For Shy People: Step-By-Step

Here’s a quick run-down of the guide to sarcasm for shy people:

1. Sarcasm is what shy people do when they don’t have anything REAL to say. If you really want to overcome shyness, you have to give up being sarcastic.
2. Replace sarcasm by learning conversation skills and small talk.
3. Give straightforward replies to straightforward questions. Avoid sarcasm at all costs.

By now you realize you don’t need sarcasm. If you want to get over being shy, it’s something you’re going to have to give up.

Try this: the next time you’re tempted to give someone a sarcastic reply, try giving them a straightforward answer. See how it goes. What have you got to lose?

Photo by Gytis

Suddenly, your mind goes blank.

What do you do? You desperately try to think of something to say, and an awkward silence falls across the class. They’re all looking at you. Everybody’s watching.

Suddenly you’re not sure where you should put your hands. You move them awkwardly to the back edge of your desk, and you feel how cold and sweaty they are. But there’s no time to worry about that. You have to say something, anything. Quick!

You blurt out an answer. Why does your voice sound so weird? Everyone keeps looking at you for some reason. Now your voice sounds a little better. You wish the teacher would move on with the other people in the class…

What Did You Do Wrong?

Maybe that situation has happened to you before. Maybe it’s happened to you many times. Or maybe some other, similar situation has happened. It’s happened to me, and it happens to most people who are shy, for a reason.

The reason is shy people tend be preoccupied about what other people think of them. In the classroom, you were very aware that everyone was watching you. You didn’t want to mess up.

You didn’t want other people to get the wrong impression of you, so you had to think carefully about what you were going to say or do next. Unfortunately, your plan backfired horribly.

You Fell Into A Trap

It’s a trap many shy people get caught up in: they try to micro-manage what other people think of them. They constantly think about little things that are unimportant.

For example: Is what you say next going to be liked? Are your clothes representative of your personality? Will the way you walk give off the right vibe? What’s the right body language? Will doing this or that make you seem less smart? Do people secretly respect the way you are?

This is the process shy people go through before they say or do something:

1. “What should I say next?”
2. “Will it sound good?”
3. “What’s the best way to say it?”
4. …and only then do they actually say it.

This type of thinking is called Self-Monitoring, and it’s bad for several reasons:

1. You Hesitate

Instead of just letting go and expressing yourself, you think and think and think. And only after do you do something. It’s not fun for you and it’s not fun for other people. It’s unnatural. The more you hesitate before doing something, the more contrived it will seem when you finally do.

For example, if you think of something to say, and them wonder if you should say it, you get nervous. It stops becoming something that just popped into your head and becomes YOUR own idea. You put more and more importance on how people will react to it the longer you wait. When you finally do say it, you’re nervous. You control how your act through conscious effort, and it comes out unnatural.

2. You Seem Out Of Focus

When you Self-Monitor, you seem out of focus. Like you’re actually 10 seconds in the past or 10 seconds in the future, instead of being in the NOW and enjoying it.

Only shy people and those who are extremely self-conscious monitor what they do. Normal people don’t. What normal people do, is not think at all. They don’t think about what they’re going to say next. They get a general feeling of what they want to communicate, and they say it.

Think back to one of your best experiences socially. Chances are, it felt like the right words were somehow coming out of your mouth automatically. You weren’t stuck in your head, trying to come up with something to say. It was all flowing, and you felt in the moment and connected to the other person. Best of all, you were having fun.

3. You Seem Inauthentic

Oh, the irony. You want people to like you and think you’re a swell guy or girl, but they don’t. They think you’re inauthentic.

When you think about everything you say and do, it doesn’t come from you directly. It’s been filtered by your brain, and people can feel it. They can sense the slight offness when you’ve been thinking of a remark for a minute. They don’t feel the same energy coming from you as from a person who comes up with something to say on the spot, and that lack of energy turns them off.

How Do You Stop Self-Monitoring?

First, you have to realize when you’re doing it. You do it when you’re trying to consciously control internal processes that are normally unconscious. What does that mean?

Do you control how you move your mouth when you talk? Do you consciously control how you’re breathing? Do you think about how your arms and legs move as you walk or sit down? Maybe you aren’t doing it now, but in tough social situations you do it. You shouldn’t EVER do this. 

When you realize you are doing any of these things, this is what you should do:

Switch your focus. Think about being on the beach. Count to one hundred. Think of something that will take you mind completely off what you’re doing physically.

Stop talking to yourself. If you’re constantly doing this in your head, stop. It’s part of Self-Monitoring. You’re probably talking to yourself about what you’re doing, or about to do. Switch your focus using the technique I just showed you.

Don’t hesitate. When a thought pops into your head, express it. The longer you wait the worse your fear of expressing it badly becomes. Downplay. You could be in a war zone right now. You’re just talking to someone, maybe it’s your teacher.

These things should come naturally. So don’t consciously force your mouth to move when you’re talking Or your arms to move a certain way when you’re walking. Switch your focus, relax, and have fun.

The Blueprint

1. Realize when you’re self-monitoring
2. Switch your focus off yourself.
3. Stop talking to yourself.
4. Don’t hesitate for a second.

Photo by missjdub

For some reason, you get nervous and feel weird making eye contact with people, as if you’re looking into the other person’s soul. And you worry that if the other person can see your eyes, they will find out how uncomfortable you are and realize that you are a loser.

I know that it sucks. Have you ever wondered why you feel this way? Did you know that by simply controlling what you look at you can make your social life come alive? Read this article to solve the puzzle.

What Do The Experts Know?

First, read this exercise many top relationship experts tell to married couples:

To help connect on an emotional level with your partner take a minute each day to look into your partner’s eyes and express how you feel about him or her. Follow it up with a kiss…with your eyes open.

Why are couples encouraged to do the exercise above? Is it because expressing feelings openly leads to a deeper emotional connection? Everyone knows that a lack of communication  is the number one reason why couples divorce. Will talking directly to themselves about their feelings make the other person feel special and appreciated?

So the two partners talk about their feelings, and then kiss. But is that all?

Many people don’t realize that talking is actually the least important part.

I want you to imagine a couple doing the exercise above, but instead of looking at each other, they’re sitting side by side, both looking somewhere off into the distance. For the whole minute of conversation, they don’t look at each other once. When it comes time to kiss, they close their eyes. Pretty romantic, huh?

Eye contact creates the emotional connection between two people. Without that, there isn’t even a remote possibility of a friendship or relationship.

Still Think It’s The Words?

Most of how people communicate isn’t verbal. That’s where the old saying came from: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.”

But it isn’t even really about how you say something, but what you’re doing while you’re saying it. One study at UCLA indicated that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues. Body language, voice tonality and, yes, eye contact.

Of all of these, arguably the most important is eye contact. Why? Because we form connections with people through eye contact.

If you want to have real friendships and relationships with other people, and not just shallow small-talk, then you will have to start looking them in the eyes. That’s the way humans work.

Are you Human?

Then you need to make eye contact. Probably lots more than you do right now. However, you also don’t want to creep the other person out.

Eye contact is like salt on french fries. Everyone has a slighly different amount they like to have, and it depends on the situation. Too little and the fries are just plain boring. Nodoby wants them, because there’s no flavor. Are your conversations just plain boring because of a lack of eye contact?

But there’s a dark side as well. Too much and the fries are too salty. They repel people away, and the restaurant loses any repeat customers it may have had. If you give too much eye contact, people will think you’re creepy and won’t want to be around you after their first taste.

How Much Eye Contact Is Normal?

Here’s the quick and fast rules:

• When talking, make eye contact 1/3 of the time.
• When listening, make eye contact 2/3 of the time.
• For everyday conversation, make eye contact in spurts of 3-4 seconds. (6-8 seconds if you are talking to someone of the opposite sex that you like.)

Okay, that’s all the facts you really need to know. But I know that, for someone like you, it’s not that easy.

So How Do You Actually Do It?

There’s a scientific word for how to do it. Not that you need to know it, but it’s called prograssive desensitization. What does that mean?

Imagine a large staircase. You are at the top, and everyone who has no problem making eye contact is at the bottom. You want to get to the bottom. How do you get there?

Do you:

1. Jump straight down from the top of the staircase to the bottom?
2. Take the steps down, one at a time?

The logical way to get down is to take the steps one at a time. It’s the same when you start trying to make eye contact with people.

At first you won’t be able to even look at their eyes. That’s okay, look at their lower forehead or upper nose or in the middle of their eyes. They won’t be able to tell the difference.

Make a conscious effort to do this, and slowly you’ll be able to look at their nose for longer and longer periods of time. Then you start looking at one of their eyes, and slowly get used to that.

Practice, It Gets Easier

Yes, at first it will be hard, and you will have to TRY to look people in the eye, but you will slowly get better at it as long as you keep pushing your comfort zone.

Sooner than you can imagine, you won’t have to think about keeping eye contact, because it will become a habit to do it. It will be natural, and once you stop thinking about it you really get better at it.

Next time you’re talking to someone, or walking past a stranger, take the first step and start desensitizing yourself. Look at their forehead for 3-4 seconds as you talk to them, then look away. Try it again, and again, and again. More and more often. For longer and longer periods of time.

It’s the only way to get rid of this problem.

Photo by Michele Catania

I hated seeing how I acted in those days. I was always the quietest one, barely able to control my actions and reactions. Usually I thought I was a little shy, almost normal, but seeing those videos I was embarrassed to see how much different and insecure I actually was compared to other people.

I wince inside, thinking back to those days.

Over the years, I realized there are some habits almost all shy and antisocial people have in common that make other people think they’re loners.

If that’s not bad enough, most shy people aren’t even aware of what they are. The habits are automatic and subconscious. That’s why I was always surprised when I saw how I actually acted in real life. 

But the good news is, once you see what these habits are, you can make adjustments to how you act and become more comfortable in your own skin.

1. Being Stuck In Your Head

Outgoing people talk to other people. Shy people talk to themselves. It’s a comfort mechanism, more than anything. 

The important thing to realize is that talking to yourself is a habit (like everything else on this post), and habits can be broken. Whenever you realize you are talking to yourself, STOP. This will help you “get out of your head”, talk more and eventually start becoming more extroverted.

2. Not Paying Attention To Others

One of the biggest tips many conversation experts give is to become actively involved in listening to conversations. Many shy people get into the habit of just standing there, thinking and talking to themselves inside their own head, and listening, but not paying too close attention, to what everyone else is talking about.

Once you start to pay close attention, and put more energy into thinking about what other people are talking about, you won’t have a problem thinking about what to say next. Stuff will be popping into your head all of the time. You’re just going to have to suck it up and say it.

3. Nervousness

Relax, dude. What’s the worst thing that can happen when you’re in the middle of a social situation?

In the pictures I mentioned before, I almost always looked as if I was nervous and tense. Not good. Being relaxed helps you to enjoy situations. Also, shy people tend to automatically “tense up” some of their muscles when they are nervous.

Every once in a while, check if your neck, shoulders and stomach area are tensed up. Your shoulders, when they are tense, will be higher than normal. Take a long, slow breath and as you are letting it go, relax any tense muscles you have.

4. Paranoia

You may think everybody is judging you, and every small action you take and every thing you say. FACT: Nobody really cares about you. (They’re too busy worrying about what other people think of them.)

Next time you feel self-conscious, look at a random person and take note of how you feel about them. If the person you picked is truly random, then you probably won’t have any emotion whatsoever.

That’s how most people who see you feel about you: INDIFFERENT. It took me a long time to realize that.

5. Self-Monitoring

You “micro-manage” what you do. That means you think of what you’re going to say before you say it. You think about what you’re going to do before you actually do it. This makes everything you do and everything you say seem unnatural. 

There’s a lot of info about how to overcome this in my post on talking about nothing.

6. Feeling You Don’t Deserve Good Things

You feel you aren’t good enough for that hot girl or guy to even talk to them. If someone compliments you, you don’t really know how to respond because, deep down, you don’t feel you deserve the compliment. (I’ll talk more on this in a future post.)

7. Fear Of Expression

You feel “held back” – like you can’t just let go and do what feels natural. This can make you quiet and limit your body language.

I remember in social situations I used to have crazy ideas like screaming at the top of my lungs just to see what would happen. I knew I was PHYSICALLY capable of doing it, but something inside seemed to stop me. This is caused by a lack of confidence (also see Habit #9).

8. Arrogant Beliefs

You may think you’re smarter than most people you meet. You may even think that the reason why other people get along so well is because they’re on the same level – while you can see “how things really are”.

If you can relate to that feeling, then the trick is to realize where it comes from. It comes from your bitterness that people don’t seem to like you despite all the “reasons” why they should – you being smart, or talented at something, etc.

9. Hinging Self-Esteem On What Others Think

You let other people decide how you feel. If they say something bad to you, you immediately feel bad inside. You take their opinions as being fact.

The reality is that it’s impossible to make everyone like you, and sooner or later you’re going to have to get used to that. If you don’t, you’ll die sad and unfulfilled because you always seek the approval of other people.

10. Fear To Break Rapport

Rapport is when two people are experiencing a connection. This usually happens in a solid conversation about shared interests.

Unfortunately, shy people mess this up by acting too needy when they do finally meet someone they can relate to because they don’t have many friends. They don’t want to do anything that might make the other person “disconnect”, so they stay in their safe zone when talking. This makes them boring to be around.

11.  Need To Entertain

Not everything you say has to be witty or clever. In fact, most people won’t remember what you said in a conversation in 5 days, so you might as well say anything. This ties into habit number 12…

12. Feeling You Have To Impress

If you’re shy, you may feel as if the only reason why people hang around you is because you have witty and intelligent comments or something else that impresses them. This is a very shallow way to live, and it’s just too hard to come up with something funny to say in every situation. You wind up talking a lot less than other people.

The reason why you feel the need to impress others is because you are lower social value than them.

So How Can You Change?

Now that you know some of the bad habits you’ve developed over the years, how can you get rid of them? Keep reading the posts on this blog my friend. I think I’ve already packed enough into this one.

Image By Wistine