1. Unattractive. You don’t think anyone could possibly be physically attracted to you, and that further lowers your self esteem.
2. Attractive. Almost everyone of the opposite sex think you are good-looking,  looks you over, and comments on how hot/cute you are behind your back.

Are You Unattractive Or Attractive?

If you think you are unattractive and shy, do you ever think that being good looking would help you? Not that it would make you outgoing, but that it might give you more self-confidence, seeing that people find you attractive, and that would lead to you being less anxious about what other people think of you?

If you think you are attractive and shy, do you ever wonder if you are missing a piece of the puzzle? Like you should be able to be confident and outgoing, but something you can’t see inside you is holding you back? (And if you see your reflection by accident while in a social situation you may get a boost of self confidence. It’s like you “forget” you’re good looking.)

I’ll be honest, I would probably put myself in category #2.I’m considered good-looking by a fairly large percentage of the women I meet.

But if you are in either of these categories, then this article will probably be an eye-opener for you.

First of all, if you immediately put yourself into one of the two categories, you already have a misunderstanding of how people judge looks.

Problem 1: There Aren’t Two Types

To call yourself or anybody “attractive” or “unattractive”, is a generalization. Nobody actually fits into one of the two categories above.

However, you can judge good looks on a scale, or by comparison.

That’s why some guys attribute numbers to women based on how good-looking they think the woman is. They may say “She’s an 8″ or “She’s a 10″. The higher the number, the better.

You could also make a comparison like,  ”Sarah’s hotter than Ashley.”

The main point is, if someone is seen as being good-looking, it usually has more to do with the person looking at them, then their own looks.

Some other guy may believe that Ashley is actually hotter than Sarah, or the 8 is a 6, or something else. And they would be right. 

Although some people may fit into a general area on the “Attractiveness Scale”, high or middle or low, nobody has a definite position. Different people find different people good-looking. And as you will soon find out, good looks are not the be-all end-all of attractiveness.

Problem 2: Good Looks Vs. Attractiveness

Someone who is good looking isn’t necessarily attractive. Do good looks help? Sure, good looks can lead to attractiveness, but so can many other things.

First you have to understand what attractiveness is. You have to understand why people are attracted to good-looking people and what makes someone good-looking. Haven’t you ever been curious about these things?

Attractiveness comes from good feelings. Good looks are attractive because looking at someone who is good-looking gives us good feelings.

That’s basically what causes attraction: how a person makes another person feel. The good part about this is, feelings can come from many things, not just looks. (But I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bigger factor for a girl’s attractiveness. They are.)

How To Be Attractive Without Being Good-Looking

People like to be around people who are positive. Feelings are infectuous, and being around someone who is happy makes us feel happy. You can show positivity through your body language, inner “state”(more on this in later articles), and by smiling more. There are even techniques you can use to make yourself feel positive emotions instead of negative ones almost automatically, which I won’t reveal here. But you can’t pretend to be happy, it will show through.

And don’t take that smiling tip lightly. Most popular people, including celebrities, smile a lot. A common occurrence in people who are shy or antisocial is to barely ever smile. You have to consciously force yourself to smile more at the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror. Get any obviously messed up teeth fixed (a problem I had for many years), if that’s stopping you from smiling. 

We also like people who are funny. And I know it’s hard to believe, but it IS possible to learn how to be funny. But it has to be the right type of funny, not jokes only you find funny, or worse, sarcasm.

The Real Problem

I gave you some good basic tips in the last two paragraphs, but reading them and actually doing them is a totally different story. I know how you feel. It is hard to change your personality, if you don’t know exactly what to do. “Be more funny and people will like you” is hardly any advice at all.

Also, the truth is that becoming more good looking would probably not make you happier or more social. Walk into a plastic surgeon’s clinic, and you will find many people, who solved their “problem”, but have not fixed their inner insecurities.

Although from the outside other people may see them as being more good looking than before, from the person’s perspective, nothing has changed. They still have the same low self-esteem and anxiety. They have become good-looking, but not attractive.

Fortunately, I’m working on a book to fix the inner problems first, so you can become more attractive and self confident no matter how ugly or good looking you think you are. It’s not ready yet, but feel free to browse the other articles on this website for now.

Final Wrap-Up

Here are the main points I’ve covered in this article:

• Different people find different people good-looking, and at different levels. There are only gray zones, so it is stupid to put yourself into an “attractive” or “unattractive” category.
• Good looks do not equal attractiveness. They can help, but attractiveness comes from giving someone good feelings. Looking at someone who is good-looking makes you feel good, which makes you think they’re attractive.
• You can become attractive by giving other people good feelings. Positivity, being funny, and an outgoing personality can all cause these feelings.

And then you see these same people giving their full attention to other people, who are seen as being popular.

Doesn’t that just piss you off? I remember that used to happen to me all of the time. It seemed like everybody cared about themselves and other social people, but nobody seemed to care what I had to say, even if I tried to be more outgoing. Even if what I said was funny or interesting.

Why Does This Happen?

To understand why this happens, you have to first understand one basic but VERY important idea: Social Value. (I wrote a whole post explaining social value here.)

Here’s the basic overview: In every interaction between two people, one person is higher status. He or she may be better-connected socially, more dominant, a better leader, or just more popular with everyone. For girls, good looks also are a factor.

So one person is always “cooler”. The person who is lower status usually ends up “trying harder” to get the high status person’s approval. Even you do this.

Are you ever much more energetic or do you try harder than usual to come up with something interesting to say when you’re talking to someone popular and well-known?

You Try Harder To Get Them To Like You

And I bet you’re much more laid back and “natural”, much less shy, when you’re talking to someone most people think is a loser?

I know it sucks when you are on the lower end of this “social value scale”, but it’s very important to see how this works. And to understand that everybody does this unconsciously. They don’t know they are doing it. You probably didn’t even realize you were doing the thing you hate to othe people until now.

But here’s a warning: now that you understand that people pay more attention to people of higher status, and almost ignore people who are lower status, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THIS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Why Do You (And Everyone Else) Do This?

 People are selfish. I’m not going to try to convince you of this here, but it’s true. Whatever people do, they do to please themselves.

It’s an idea I came across in advertising books. Almost all of the best advertisements in history succeeded because they were aimed at solving a problem someone had.

They didn’t say “Buy This Product Now!”, instead they said “Do You Have This Problem?” and then led the prospect to see the advertiser’s product as being the solution to the problem.

You are selfish by nature. Even people who donate to charity do it because of the feeling donating gives them. That feeling is worth more to them than the money they give, so it’s a good deal.

Everyone’s Climbing The Ladder

Because you’re selfish, you are always trying to better your current situation and climb higher up the social ladder.

You do this by befriending people who are above you on it. People below you won’t make a difference or they may even lower your social value.

That’s why many people don’t care about their interactions with shy people, but place so much importance when they’re talking to someone popular. They want to go up, not down, and shy people are naturally low status.

It’s a function built into humans to be able to survive. We don’t need it as much today as we did in our caveman days.

How Do You Reverse It?

If you want to make people care about you, you have to make them believe you are higher social status than they are.

This has nothing to do with showing off or being loud. It has nothing to do with how many friends you have, or how interesting you are.

I’ll give you a hint: It’s all about your personality. And your personality is NOT “who you are”, it’s what you do. It’s your habits and behaviors. 

Your behaviors need to shift from neediness to indifference.

I’m working on a book right now that explains exactly how do that, and how to transform yourself from a low status person to high status. I don’t want to spoil the surprise in this one article.

The Summary:

So what can you learn from what I’ve taught you above?

• In every human interaction, there is always a person who has higher social status.
• It is natural for the lower status person to “try harder“ to become the high status person’s friend.
• The higher status person usually doesn’t give much attention to the lower status one, because it doesn’t give him/her any benefit. (Actually, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the not caring makes the person seem high status.)
• In order to make people care, you have to know what habits and behaviors make people think you are low status, and reverse them. These habits are very closely related to shyness and social phobia.

The good news for you is, this website is all about the habits and behaviors of shy people, and how to change them.

Photo by dhammza

In the beginning, the young elephant tries to escape. It struggles against the rope that holds it in place. For several days, the rope keeps rubbing the same spot on the elephant’s leg. The rope finally wears through the elephant’s tough outer skin, and cuts into the elephant’s soft pink flesh. The pain is excruciating. It’s the worst thing the animal has ever felt.

The elephant soon learns that pulling and struggling against the rope will only bring him pain, so he doesn’t struggle anymore.

The elephant grows to be a 12,000 pound monster-sized animal. It could physically crush the animal trainer like a small bug. But it doesn’t.

The animal trainer still keeps it tied up. To the same short wooden stake. If the elephant tried, it could snap the wooden stake in half by simply shifting its weight. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t think it can break free of the stake because of the early experiences it had trying to break free. It thinks the outcome will be pain, instead of freedom.

Elephants are really not that different from shy people in this way.

Do You Avoid Wearing Nicer Looking Clothes Because You Worry About What Other People Will Think Of You?

Some shy people have this problem: You may tend to wear the most plain looking clothes, even stupid looking clothes. You feel ashamed, anxious and shy to wear clothes that you have been said to look good in.

Basically, you run away from positive attention as much as from negative attention. But then you also regret it when people of the opposite sex ignore you when you dress like a loser. Or when other people look at you skeptically, probably mocking your dress sense.

Why Do You Do This?

It all comes down to social value or status, and what you believe your social value is. It’s where you think you “fit” in the social ladder.

See, you have an identity in your mind that you have developed over time and become attached to. That identity is based on what you think other people think of you. Acting outside of that identity is hard to do. It’s the main reason why shy people feel “held back” from expressing themselves fully.

If you think other people think you’re a loser when you wear stupid clothes, then wearing cool clothes will make you feel like a fraud. It won’t feel natural, for a reason that goes back to the days people lived in caves.

Acting outside of the identity you have of yourself activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. This is a survival mechanism. Back when humans just needed to survive, it wasn’t a good idea for everyone to be high social value. There had to be a few key leaders to keep tribes running smoothly, and they needed to be securely in power. It wouldn’t do the whole tribe any good if every week some new guy came along and thought he could be the leader.

Going back to the elephant example, it wouldn’t help the animal trainers if the elephant suddenly realized that he was able to overpower them and break free.

If you are shy, then you tend to act based on what you’ve been conditioned to do in the past, not what you are actually capable of. You are afraid to act too confident or dress clothes that look too good because of invisible constraints you put on yourself from the past.

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.

How Does This Work?

Imagine a popular, macho guy. It makes sense to think he would be uncomfortable walking down the street in clothes that weren’t cool, like a pink dress.

But many people are confused that the same applies for people who try to dress above their status. Like if an unpopular guy suddenly got an attractive shirt that made him stand out. He’s been conditioned that he has low social value, so the shirt makes him feel like he’s going against what other people really think of him.

How Can I Get Rid Of This Feeling?

The good news is, you aren’t an elephant and you aren’t a caveman. (I hope) It is possible to get rid of your insecurity over time, simply because you are aware of it now.

The bad news is that there’s no “magic button”. I can’t make you suddenly feel comfortable wearing cool clothes. The only way to do it is to change how you think about social interaction at a fundamental level. The only way to make yourself comfortable is to change your identity.Then the clothes will feel “right”, and uncool clothes will make you uncomfortable.

You have to change what you think other people think of you. Now, I know you can’t change what other people think of you. You can’t control their thoughts. But you can change what you think they think.

This is related to building self-confidence, which I’ll write more about in the future. At first you may think you’re fooling yourself, then slowly you will find yourself actually becoming a cool person for real.

Won’t People Notice If I Change?

Maybe some of your close friends will, but they’ll get used to it.

The process of wearing cooler clothes actually runs counter intuitive to much of the advice I give. The key is to switch completely, not gradually. Decide on a date when you won’t wear any of your old clothes, then buy cool clothes to last you for at least a week. Then get rid of most of your old clothes.

Don’t think you can do that? That’s your identity talking. Don’t worry. I’m working on more posts, so check back to this blog often. I’m also working on a book aimed to completely change you from a shy person to an outgoing person.

The Big Picture

• Your feelings come from how you think other people perceive you. The key is to change your thoughts, not other people’s.
• A guy or girl who thinks they are low status won’t want to go against this identity they have decided on. Going against it activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It’s a survival mechanism.
• The only cure is to change how you think other people perceive you.

Photo by Adam Foster

That’s the headline of thePopularLife.com. The website sells an ebook called “Popular”. The guy behind the website seems like a jerk. The important thing is: does he actually know what he’s talking about?

I purchased the ebook to see if it would help shy people become more social, and to find out if there were any new ideas in it. Does the ebook live up to the claims?

What’s The Ebook Actually About?

First thing you have to know: The target audience for this book isn’t someone who is already social and wants to become really popular. The target audience is people who are shy, introverted or socially anxious.

Here’s what else I can tell you: The ebook isn’t about giving you lines to use the next time you’re talking to someone. It’s more focused on how to change your personality so that you are able to come up with your own lines and be relaxed in many social situations. It’s about giving you a new perspective on social interaction.

Do you know that feeling you get just before entering a social situation? The nervous suspenseful feeling around your chest and shoulders? This ebook aims to get rid of that, so you can become a person who naturally enjoys being around other people. It tries to transform you from an introvert to an extrovert.

The phrase “manipulative psychology” is a marketing gimmick, in my opinion. It’s more about using psychology to change how you behave and react. By doing that you indirectly change how other people react to you.

But It’s Not All Good

It’s a very short book at 56 pages, considering the price. But that does make it possible to read it in one sitting.

The author also takes a while to warm up. The best information in the ebook is near the back half.

Will Buying It Make You Popular?

No. Did you really think it was that easy? Buying the ebook won’t make you popular, even though using it might…

In case you were looking for something to magically make you popular, there are two things you need to know:

1. Changing your personality is a gradual process by nature and it’s going to take time and commitment. While this book can provide you with the tools, it cannot do the work for you. Remember that you always have to remain active.

2. Perhaps the most important factor in your own success is going to be whether you put the effort into changing your own personality for a significant amount of time or not. You must approach this book as something you’’re going to gear every aspect of your life around. You have to be working at it all the time. There is no such thing as a part-time commitment, or taking my suggestions “now and then”, it must be followed constantly.

Is It A Scam?

No. It’s just a guy selling his book. He does have some weird marketing, but he isn’t going to run with your money.

If anything, his marketing is actually too good. Some people may get the impression that he is selling something that will magically solve all their problems for them overnight. What he is actually selling is a down-to-earth, practical guide to getting rid of your most common antisocial behaviours and replacing them with better ones.

Table Of Contents

Here’s what’s in the book:

INTRODUCTION

• WHAT YOU WON’T FIND IN THIS BOOK
• HOW TO HANDLE THIS BOOK
• WHY IS PERSONALITY IMPORTANT?

PERSONALITY STARTERS

• UNIMAGINABLE BENEFITS
• SOME REWARDS OF A NEW PERSONALITY
• WHAT IS REQUIRED?

GET IN THE MOOD

• THIS ISN’T ABOUT MORALS OR BEING A GOOD PERSON
• WON’T PEOPLE NOTICE IF I CHANGE?

ATTRIBUTES OF THE SUCCESSFUL

• BECOME AN OPPORTUNIST
• I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY
• WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME THE WAY I AM?

DYNAMICS OF CHANGE

• HOW THE PROCESS WORKS
• ISN’T IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY?

DEFINING BETTER

• WHAT MAKES A GOOD PERSONALITY?
• WHAT TO CHANGE INTO

INITIAL RULES OF SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• YOU MUST CONFORM
• IMITATING OTHERS

ACTING VS. NATURAL CHANGE

• BACKBONES OF PERSONALITY
• TO REITERATE: YOU ARE NOT AN ACTOR
• HOW PERSONALITIES CHANGE
• WORK AND TIME

BARRIERS TO SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• PERCEIVED OBSTACLES
• ADMITTING TO YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE
• COMBATING INDIVIDUALISM

ACCEPT THE UNPLEASANT

• DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF

ORIGIN OF PERSONALITY

• YOU’RE NOT BORN WITH A PERSONALITY
• HOW FUTURE EXPERIENCES ARE ALTERED BY PAST ONES

PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONING

• TALKING TO YOURSELF
• HOW TO STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF (SELF COMMUNICATION)
• INTROVERT TO EXTROVERT
• INTELLIGENT ACTING PEOPLE ARE THE UNHAPPIEST
• CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

BEHAVING IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS

• NOBODY LIKES PEOPLE WHO ARE NEGATIVE
• SMILE MORE
• TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR

GETTING INSIDE PEOPLE’S HEADS

• WE ALL WANT TO BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT SAME WAY
• GAIN TRUST BY LETTING PEOPLE DOWN ON IRRELEVANT POINTS
• BEING “CALLED” ON INCONSISTENCIES

PURSUE CONVERSATIONS

• MAINTAINING/FORMING RELATIONSHIPS 
• GO AFTER THE RIGHT PEOPLE
• IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S THAT YOU SAY IT
• YOUR COMMENT GOES SEEMINGLY UNNOTICED

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

• LOSE WEIGHT IF NEED BE
• IF YOU HAVE A BEARD, GET RID OF IT

LOSE THE IRRATIONAL DREAMS

• YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD

HANDLING CONVERSATION

• OTHER PEOPLE LIKE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM
• YOU ALSO DON’T NEED TO HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY IN GROUP CONVERSATIONS
• THE ONLY PERSON STANDING IN YOUR WAY IS YOURSELF
• GETTING OVER NERVOUSNESS OF TALKING TO PEOPLE
• YOU DON’T NEED AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO SOMEONE
• HOW TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

TAKING CONTROL OF PEOPLE 

• ACT LIKE YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL
• BECOME A SALESMAN

CLOSING POINTS 

Final Thoughts

Overall, The Popular Life Ebook is a very good guide for someone who is shy wanting to get better. If you follow the steps the author lays out, it’s virtually impossible not to become more social.

You have to overlook the author’s personality and actually put his ideas into practice to get the most out of his book.

The best part about this book, is that it’s different. There were things in it that I’d never heard before, and I’ve read a lot of books on these subjects. Some of the ideas he presents are so simple that when you first read them you think he’s bullshitting you. The truth is, being popular isn’t supposed to be complicated. It’s mostly a matter of changing certain fundamental behaviours that you’ve developed.

At $29.95, your decision to buy depends on two things:

1. If you can afford it.
2. How much becoming more social is worth to you.

Here’s the link: The Popular Life | Become More Popular

If you do buy it, please post your own comment below so that other people in your situation can benefit in the future.

Can you can easily talk to people who are seen as being “uncool”, but struggle to say the right thing when talking to someone popular?

You aren’t alone. Everyone does these things all the time.

If you’ve ever wanted to know the hard-core psychological science behind what makes some people magnets for friends and attention, and others desperate for any social contact, then what you are about to read will blow your mind.

What Is Social Value?

Social Value can be thought of as a scale. Everyone has a place on it, that determines how people react to them.

In general, there are two groups of people: High Social Value and Low Social Value.

• High Social Value people are the ones who have tons of friends and connections.
• Low Social Value people usually have very limited social success and are often loners.

Where Does Social Value Come From?

Social Value comes from our caveman days. Back when everyone was worried about getting food and shelter and surviving.

Anyone who seems to be able to better our chances of surviving, or help us reproduce, or give us feelings of enjoyment is someone that we want to be around.

They Help Us Survive

Men who are dominant or leaders are high status, while women who have many connections are high status.

Being around a leader will better your chances of survivng, so sticking around dominant guys (if you’re a guy) and socially savvy girls (if you’re a girl) has been programmed into us by evolution.

They Help Us Reproduce

This, of course, goes back to when humans lived in caves and jungles. We have a very basic need to reproduce.

Men who are able to attract many women are who other men want to be around while women who are attractive generally increase the chances for both the men and women around them to reproduce.

They Make Us Feel Enjoyment

People who other people think are funny are usually high status.

We are attracted to pleasure and away from pain, so we think highly of people who can make us feel pleasure.

In a second, I’ll show you how these three benefits: survival, reproduction and enjoyment, are the foundation that makes some people social magnets.

High Social Value

We gravitate towards people of high status.

High Social Value (high status) people don’t care what others think of them. These people can be alone in a new social situation and feel comfortable.

They are confident, have high self-esteem and are comfortable in almost any social situation

For example: In a bar, an attractive woman has high social value, because she is the one in control. Guys may come up and buy her drinks because they are seeking her approval. If she rejects them, they feel bad. She controls how they feel, making the guys low social value.

Low Social Value

Low Social Value (low status) people feel the need for people to like them. They need other people’s approval and validation. They are needy and cling onto high status people like leeches.

Most shy people fall into this category.

That’s why you probably like to hang around people who are more popular than you. You are almost trying to get some of their popularity. You see them as being a valuable friend to have, because they are a “step” up.

Low status people are “reactive”. They react to what other people say about them. They need people to like and approve of them. Their whole state of mind depends on what other people think of them

How Do We Judge Someone’s Social Value?

We determine someone’s social value through their body language, eye contact, voice, and many more cues, which are nearly imperceptible.

When we judge someone’s social value, we do it on an unconscious level. We don’t even realize we are doing it.

A man’s value is sub-communicated by the obvious and subtle behavior patterns that comprise his personality. That will determine how attractive he is and how people respond to him emotionally.

A woman’s value is based more on how well connected she is socially, as well as how she looks.

That is why, in high school, the most popular guys tend to be jocks and the guys who are loud or funny. It doesn’t matter much if they are good looking or not.

The popular group of girls were almost all good-looking. Their social value depended on their looks and, to a lesser extent, how many people they knew.

That doesn’t mean that, if you’re a girl, you can’t become socially successful. It does mean that, instead of changing your personality (like guys), you have to build social connections on top of your personality, which I’ll show you how to do.

How Can Someone Become High Social Value?

Because we judge someone’s social value based mostly on how they act, that makes it possible to change how people view us by becoming better at giving the right social cues. We can become popular by changing our personality, and personality change is at the core of this website.