This isn’t unusual. Many shy people get this thrill. They think that if they were going to die in 2 weeks, they really wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore and their shyness would just disappear. Would this actually happen…or would the person continue to be shy?

What!?!! Is there even a possibility that knowing you’re going to die in 2 weeks wouldn’t change your shyness one bit? I know this is a little hard to accept, but in this article I’ll show you the following:

• Why you may be frustrated because, in theory, it seems so simple to just “pretend you’re going to die” and overcome shyness that way. But when it comes to cold hard reality, you still have that mental block in place that stops you from really living and expressing yourself without nervousness.
• How to use the psychology behind “dying in 2 weeks” to help you overcome your shyness, and get that feeling of being the one in control of your life with no excuses to hold you back.

Why Knowing You’re Gonna Be Dead Soon May Not Work

Many shy people have what I call the “Fixing Mindset”. They think that if only they could fix something about themselves, then they wouldn’t care what other people thought anymore.

Shy people are a lot more critical of themselves than others. They have a very low self-image and may blame their shyness on many different OUTSIDE factors, like having bad teeth, being overweight or having uncool clothes. They think that if only they could get that fixed, they would be okay and wouldn’t be so self-conscious anymore.

Often they finally “fix” the problem, but they’re still the same person. Nothing has changed, really. And they may even look for a new thing that needs “fixing”, just as a way of justifying why they are still shy.

The interesting thing is, there are many outgoing, popular and social people out there with the exact same problems as the shy people, but it doesn’t affect them. They live regular, happy lives and have lots of friends.

So what’s the difference? The difference is that shy people always think that something about them needs to be “fixed” when really, the REAL problem is how the thing AFFECTS them inside. If it didn’t AFFECT them, it wouldn’t need to be fixed. They wouldn’t even be aware of the “problem”!

What Does This Have To Do With Dying?

Many shy people are attracted to the idea of being told they’re going to die in 2 weeks because it gives them the feeling that something inside would be “fixed”. The feeling of relief or excitement you get when thinking of how you would behave if you were gonna die in 2 weeks is there because you think it’ll fix the main problem that’s holding you back.

The problem of facing your fears.

If you were going to die in 2 weeks, what could you be afraid of? Being confident in front of a large group of people? Kissing a random stranger? Going out on a date? There really isn’t anything left to fear, once you know you’re going to die in 2 weeks. You know you’re a goner anyway, so none of this would matter, would it?

Why Does Dying In 2 Weeks Work So Well At “Fixing” Fear?

The secret isn’t in the “dying” part of the idea, but in “2 weeks”. Knowing there’s ONLY 2 weeks gives you a deadline that you have to meet.

Once there’s a deadline, you know that there’s no more time to screw around or avoid taking risks or be afraid of silly things like parties and attractive girls/guys. All these things become small and insignificant, because you only have a limited amount of time left!

How To Die In 2 Weeks Or 2 Months Or 2 Years…

“This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

First you have to know, not fear, but know that someday you are going to die. Until you know that, you have no sense of urgency. You think you have all the time in the world to do amazing things, but you may not live to see that particular someday.

That’s the trick behind how to get the feeling you’re going to die in 2 weeks: YOU ACTUALLY ARE! Okay, maybe not 2 weeks, but there’s a definite number. 

If you’re 20 years old, and can expect to live up to 80, the you have 3122 weeks left to live.

Next week it’s going to be 3121.

Photo by Dazzie D

Either way, they may be holding you down from overcoming your shyness.

Do you ever feel more shy around your family? Do you feel weird being around and talking to people your own age or of the opposite sex when some members of your family are around? Does it feel weird when you try to be more outgoing and sometimes seem like your family wants you to keep being shy?

There are several reasons why you feel this way, and 3 major ones:

Reason 1: You Care What They Think

This is the biggie. It’s hard not to care what your family thinks. You may worry they judge how you act, who you know or what clothes you wear. If you’re a teenager or living at or near your parent’s home, it can be even more difficult. But this is the cause of the other two reasons.

One way to stop caring so much is to get a life. I mean it. Seek out new friends, new interests, and outside groups. If you have a life outside of the house you’ll stop caring as much about what your family thinks because they will become only part of your life, instead of being there always.

By the way, I know “get outside interests and friends” is a lot easier for me to say than it is to actually do. I know what it’s like to be shy and feel stuck inside the house. It’s like having an invisible barrier holding you down and you wish something would just “snap” and make your life better. Right now I’m writing a section in my book (in-progress) that talks about a psychological technique called “Pattern Interrupts”. It’s a little-known way to break out of these loops shy people get stuck in, and it’s REALLY exciting stuff.

Reason 2: Won’t They Notice If You Change?

You’re afraid of suddenly acting more confident and talking less quiet because you don’t want your family to notice. This goes back to Reason 1, But there’s actually a much easier solution for this feeling.

Yes, they may notice you changing, but they won’t mind. If they do, it’s because they feel like they’re “losing control” over you. Some outgoing people feel more important around shy people because they like being able to boss them around and dominate over them. If your family doesn’t want you to change, hang around them less (see #1).

Also, it’s generally expected that shy people need some time to “break out of their shell”. You won’t really be surprising anyone.

Reason 3: They Know You’re Shy

It’s very hard to change the impression of you that your family has built up over many years. Maybe they see you as “a shy person”. The worst part about this is, the impression they’ve built up is like an elastic band. There’s no way to gradually make them see you as a more and more confident person. It will just snap back to “shy guy/girl”.

The “Pattern Interrupt” technique that I mentioned above in my shyness book is the simplest way to solve this problem, but since it’s not out yet, I’ll give you a different solution…

Get away for a bit. If you’re leaving for college or moving to a new, faraway job soon, that would be the best solution.

If they only start to see you occasionally, instead of every day, they will have to reevaluate and change their initial impression of you. They expect you to change if they haven’t seen you for a while. There’s also a second bonus to getting away.

People Have Expectations They Expect You To Live Up To

People generally behave as others expect them to behave. If your friends know you are shy, they won’t like it if you are suddenly loud. That’s not because they don’t want you to stop being shy, but it just seems weird. An outgoing, funny guy who is well-known will have every one’s attention as soon as he enters a room. That’s because everybody expects him to be outgoing and funny, and he plays into that expectation.

But in a different place, where no one has any expectations of what kind of person you are, you can “pretend” to be confident and change a lot more rapidly.

Imagine travelling to a new city. You could hop onto an airplane, and in a few hours, you’re in a totally different place. You could be who ever you want to be in that place. That’s the feeling “getting away” gives you.

It’s like an instant shyness cure.

Summary

In this article, here’s what you’ve read:

• There are many reasons for you to feel like your family is holding you back from changing.
• What it all comes down to is you caring what they think. You can start caring less by building interests outside of your home and eventually, by having a social life.
• They may notice if you start changing. Usually it’s expected for a shy person to take some time to “break out of your shell”.
• They know you’re shy, and expect you to continue being the same person. One way to get around this is to get away from your family for a bit. Move away, and only see them occasionally. Maybe it’s college or a new job. 
• Getting away from your family for a bit will give you the opportunity to meet people who don’t know you’re shy and you can “pretend” to be confident. This is the fastest way to change.

Photo by hrtmnstrfr

1. Unattractive. You don’t think anyone could possibly be physically attracted to you, and that further lowers your self esteem.
2. Attractive. Almost everyone of the opposite sex think you are good-looking,  looks you over, and comments on how hot/cute you are behind your back.

Are You Unattractive Or Attractive?

If you think you are unattractive and shy, do you ever think that being good looking would help you? Not that it would make you outgoing, but that it might give you more self-confidence, seeing that people find you attractive, and that would lead to you being less anxious about what other people think of you?

If you think you are attractive and shy, do you ever wonder if you are missing a piece of the puzzle? Like you should be able to be confident and outgoing, but something you can’t see inside you is holding you back? (And if you see your reflection by accident while in a social situation you may get a boost of self confidence. It’s like you “forget” you’re good looking.)

I’ll be honest, I would probably put myself in category #2.I’m considered good-looking by a fairly large percentage of the women I meet.

But if you are in either of these categories, then this article will probably be an eye-opener for you.

First of all, if you immediately put yourself into one of the two categories, you already have a misunderstanding of how people judge looks.

Problem 1: There Aren’t Two Types

To call yourself or anybody “attractive” or “unattractive”, is a generalization. Nobody actually fits into one of the two categories above.

However, you can judge good looks on a scale, or by comparison.

That’s why some guys attribute numbers to women based on how good-looking they think the woman is. They may say “She’s an 8″ or “She’s a 10″. The higher the number, the better.

You could also make a comparison like,  ”Sarah’s hotter than Ashley.”

The main point is, if someone is seen as being good-looking, it usually has more to do with the person looking at them, then their own looks.

Some other guy may believe that Ashley is actually hotter than Sarah, or the 8 is a 6, or something else. And they would be right. 

Although some people may fit into a general area on the “Attractiveness Scale”, high or middle or low, nobody has a definite position. Different people find different people good-looking. And as you will soon find out, good looks are not the be-all end-all of attractiveness.

Problem 2: Good Looks Vs. Attractiveness

Someone who is good looking isn’t necessarily attractive. Do good looks help? Sure, good looks can lead to attractiveness, but so can many other things.

First you have to understand what attractiveness is. You have to understand why people are attracted to good-looking people and what makes someone good-looking. Haven’t you ever been curious about these things?

Attractiveness comes from good feelings. Good looks are attractive because looking at someone who is good-looking gives us good feelings.

That’s basically what causes attraction: how a person makes another person feel. The good part about this is, feelings can come from many things, not just looks. (But I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bigger factor for a girl’s attractiveness. They are.)

How To Be Attractive Without Being Good-Looking

People like to be around people who are positive. Feelings are infectuous, and being around someone who is happy makes us feel happy. You can show positivity through your body language, inner “state”(more on this in later articles), and by smiling more. There are even techniques you can use to make yourself feel positive emotions instead of negative ones almost automatically, which I won’t reveal here. But you can’t pretend to be happy, it will show through.

And don’t take that smiling tip lightly. Most popular people, including celebrities, smile a lot. A common occurrence in people who are shy or antisocial is to barely ever smile. You have to consciously force yourself to smile more at the beginning. Practice in front of a mirror. Get any obviously messed up teeth fixed (a problem I had for many years), if that’s stopping you from smiling. 

We also like people who are funny. And I know it’s hard to believe, but it IS possible to learn how to be funny. But it has to be the right type of funny, not jokes only you find funny, or worse, sarcasm.

The Real Problem

I gave you some good basic tips in the last two paragraphs, but reading them and actually doing them is a totally different story. I know how you feel. It is hard to change your personality, if you don’t know exactly what to do. “Be more funny and people will like you” is hardly any advice at all.

Also, the truth is that becoming more good looking would probably not make you happier or more social. Walk into a plastic surgeon’s clinic, and you will find many people, who solved their “problem”, but have not fixed their inner insecurities.

Although from the outside other people may see them as being more good looking than before, from the person’s perspective, nothing has changed. They still have the same low self-esteem and anxiety. They have become good-looking, but not attractive.

Fortunately, I’m working on a book to fix the inner problems first, so you can become more attractive and self confident no matter how ugly or good looking you think you are. It’s not ready yet, but feel free to browse the other articles on this website for now.

Final Wrap-Up

Here are the main points I’ve covered in this article:

• Different people find different people good-looking, and at different levels. There are only gray zones, so it is stupid to put yourself into an “attractive” or “unattractive” category.
• Good looks do not equal attractiveness. They can help, but attractiveness comes from giving someone good feelings. Looking at someone who is good-looking makes you feel good, which makes you think they’re attractive.
• You can become attractive by giving other people good feelings. Positivity, being funny, and an outgoing personality can all cause these feelings.

In the beginning, the young elephant tries to escape. It struggles against the rope that holds it in place. For several days, the rope keeps rubbing the same spot on the elephant’s leg. The rope finally wears through the elephant’s tough outer skin, and cuts into the elephant’s soft pink flesh. The pain is excruciating. It’s the worst thing the animal has ever felt.

The elephant soon learns that pulling and struggling against the rope will only bring him pain, so he doesn’t struggle anymore.

The elephant grows to be a 12,000 pound monster-sized animal. It could physically crush the animal trainer like a small bug. But it doesn’t.

The animal trainer still keeps it tied up. To the same short wooden stake. If the elephant tried, it could snap the wooden stake in half by simply shifting its weight. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t think it can break free of the stake because of the early experiences it had trying to break free. It thinks the outcome will be pain, instead of freedom.

Elephants are really not that different from shy people in this way.

Do You Avoid Wearing Nicer Looking Clothes Because You Worry About What Other People Will Think Of You?

Some shy people have this problem: You may tend to wear the most plain looking clothes, even stupid looking clothes. You feel ashamed, anxious and shy to wear clothes that you have been said to look good in.

Basically, you run away from positive attention as much as from negative attention. But then you also regret it when people of the opposite sex ignore you when you dress like a loser. Or when other people look at you skeptically, probably mocking your dress sense.

Why Do You Do This?

It all comes down to social value or status, and what you believe your social value is. It’s where you think you “fit” in the social ladder.

See, you have an identity in your mind that you have developed over time and become attached to. That identity is based on what you think other people think of you. Acting outside of that identity is hard to do. It’s the main reason why shy people feel “held back” from expressing themselves fully.

If you think other people think you’re a loser when you wear stupid clothes, then wearing cool clothes will make you feel like a fraud. It won’t feel natural, for a reason that goes back to the days people lived in caves.

Acting outside of the identity you have of yourself activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. This is a survival mechanism. Back when humans just needed to survive, it wasn’t a good idea for everyone to be high social value. There had to be a few key leaders to keep tribes running smoothly, and they needed to be securely in power. It wouldn’t do the whole tribe any good if every week some new guy came along and thought he could be the leader.

Going back to the elephant example, it wouldn’t help the animal trainers if the elephant suddenly realized that he was able to overpower them and break free.

If you are shy, then you tend to act based on what you’ve been conditioned to do in the past, not what you are actually capable of. You are afraid to act too confident or dress clothes that look too good because of invisible constraints you put on yourself from the past.

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are who you think other people think you are.

How Does This Work?

Imagine a popular, macho guy. It makes sense to think he would be uncomfortable walking down the street in clothes that weren’t cool, like a pink dress.

But many people are confused that the same applies for people who try to dress above their status. Like if an unpopular guy suddenly got an attractive shirt that made him stand out. He’s been conditioned that he has low social value, so the shirt makes him feel like he’s going against what other people really think of him.

How Can I Get Rid Of This Feeling?

The good news is, you aren’t an elephant and you aren’t a caveman. (I hope) It is possible to get rid of your insecurity over time, simply because you are aware of it now.

The bad news is that there’s no “magic button”. I can’t make you suddenly feel comfortable wearing cool clothes. The only way to do it is to change how you think about social interaction at a fundamental level. The only way to make yourself comfortable is to change your identity.Then the clothes will feel “right”, and uncool clothes will make you uncomfortable.

You have to change what you think other people think of you. Now, I know you can’t change what other people think of you. You can’t control their thoughts. But you can change what you think they think.

This is related to building self-confidence, which I’ll write more about in the future. At first you may think you’re fooling yourself, then slowly you will find yourself actually becoming a cool person for real.

Won’t People Notice If I Change?

Maybe some of your close friends will, but they’ll get used to it.

The process of wearing cooler clothes actually runs counter intuitive to much of the advice I give. The key is to switch completely, not gradually. Decide on a date when you won’t wear any of your old clothes, then buy cool clothes to last you for at least a week. Then get rid of most of your old clothes.

Don’t think you can do that? That’s your identity talking. Don’t worry. I’m working on more posts, so check back to this blog often. I’m also working on a book aimed to completely change you from a shy person to an outgoing person.

The Big Picture

• Your feelings come from how you think other people perceive you. The key is to change your thoughts, not other people’s.
• A guy or girl who thinks they are low status won’t want to go against this identity they have decided on. Going against it activates the same part of the brain that physical pain does. It’s a survival mechanism.
• The only cure is to change how you think other people perceive you.

Photo by Adam Foster

That’s the headline of thePopularLife.com. The website sells an ebook called “Popular”. The guy behind the website seems like a jerk. The important thing is: does he actually know what he’s talking about?

I purchased the ebook to see if it would help shy people become more social, and to find out if there were any new ideas in it. Does the ebook live up to the claims?

What’s The Ebook Actually About?

First thing you have to know: The target audience for this book isn’t someone who is already social and wants to become really popular. The target audience is people who are shy, introverted or socially anxious.

Here’s what else I can tell you: The ebook isn’t about giving you lines to use the next time you’re talking to someone. It’s more focused on how to change your personality so that you are able to come up with your own lines and be relaxed in many social situations. It’s about giving you a new perspective on social interaction.

Do you know that feeling you get just before entering a social situation? The nervous suspenseful feeling around your chest and shoulders? This ebook aims to get rid of that, so you can become a person who naturally enjoys being around other people. It tries to transform you from an introvert to an extrovert.

The phrase “manipulative psychology” is a marketing gimmick, in my opinion. It’s more about using psychology to change how you behave and react. By doing that you indirectly change how other people react to you.

But It’s Not All Good

It’s a very short book at 56 pages, considering the price. But that does make it possible to read it in one sitting.

The author also takes a while to warm up. The best information in the ebook is near the back half.

Will Buying It Make You Popular?

No. Did you really think it was that easy? Buying the ebook won’t make you popular, even though using it might…

In case you were looking for something to magically make you popular, there are two things you need to know:

1. Changing your personality is a gradual process by nature and it’s going to take time and commitment. While this book can provide you with the tools, it cannot do the work for you. Remember that you always have to remain active.

2. Perhaps the most important factor in your own success is going to be whether you put the effort into changing your own personality for a significant amount of time or not. You must approach this book as something you’’re going to gear every aspect of your life around. You have to be working at it all the time. There is no such thing as a part-time commitment, or taking my suggestions “now and then”, it must be followed constantly.

Is It A Scam?

No. It’s just a guy selling his book. He does have some weird marketing, but he isn’t going to run with your money.

If anything, his marketing is actually too good. Some people may get the impression that he is selling something that will magically solve all their problems for them overnight. What he is actually selling is a down-to-earth, practical guide to getting rid of your most common antisocial behaviours and replacing them with better ones.

Table Of Contents

Here’s what’s in the book:

INTRODUCTION

• WHAT YOU WON’T FIND IN THIS BOOK
• HOW TO HANDLE THIS BOOK
• WHY IS PERSONALITY IMPORTANT?

PERSONALITY STARTERS

• UNIMAGINABLE BENEFITS
• SOME REWARDS OF A NEW PERSONALITY
• WHAT IS REQUIRED?

GET IN THE MOOD

• THIS ISN’T ABOUT MORALS OR BEING A GOOD PERSON
• WON’T PEOPLE NOTICE IF I CHANGE?

ATTRIBUTES OF THE SUCCESSFUL

• BECOME AN OPPORTUNIST
• I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY
• WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME THE WAY I AM?

DYNAMICS OF CHANGE

• HOW THE PROCESS WORKS
• ISN’T IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY?

DEFINING BETTER

• WHAT MAKES A GOOD PERSONALITY?
• WHAT TO CHANGE INTO

INITIAL RULES OF SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• YOU MUST CONFORM
• IMITATING OTHERS

ACTING VS. NATURAL CHANGE

• BACKBONES OF PERSONALITY
• TO REITERATE: YOU ARE NOT AN ACTOR
• HOW PERSONALITIES CHANGE
• WORK AND TIME

BARRIERS TO SUCCESSFUL PERSONALITIES

• PERCEIVED OBSTACLES
• ADMITTING TO YOURSELF THAT YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE
• COMBATING INDIVIDUALISM

ACCEPT THE UNPLEASANT

• DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF

ORIGIN OF PERSONALITY

• YOU’RE NOT BORN WITH A PERSONALITY
• HOW FUTURE EXPERIENCES ARE ALTERED BY PAST ONES

PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONING

• TALKING TO YOURSELF
• HOW TO STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF (SELF COMMUNICATION)
• INTROVERT TO EXTROVERT
• INTELLIGENT ACTING PEOPLE ARE THE UNHAPPIEST
• CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

BEHAVING IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS

• NOBODY LIKES PEOPLE WHO ARE NEGATIVE
• SMILE MORE
• TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR

GETTING INSIDE PEOPLE’S HEADS

• WE ALL WANT TO BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT SAME WAY
• GAIN TRUST BY LETTING PEOPLE DOWN ON IRRELEVANT POINTS
• BEING “CALLED” ON INCONSISTENCIES

PURSUE CONVERSATIONS

• MAINTAINING/FORMING RELATIONSHIPS 
• GO AFTER THE RIGHT PEOPLE
• IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S THAT YOU SAY IT
• YOUR COMMENT GOES SEEMINGLY UNNOTICED

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

• LOSE WEIGHT IF NEED BE
• IF YOU HAVE A BEARD, GET RID OF IT

LOSE THE IRRATIONAL DREAMS

• YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD

HANDLING CONVERSATION

• OTHER PEOPLE LIKE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM
• YOU ALSO DON’T NEED TO HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY IN GROUP CONVERSATIONS
• THE ONLY PERSON STANDING IN YOUR WAY IS YOURSELF
• GETTING OVER NERVOUSNESS OF TALKING TO PEOPLE
• YOU DON’T NEED AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO SOMEONE
• HOW TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

TAKING CONTROL OF PEOPLE 

• ACT LIKE YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL
• BECOME A SALESMAN

CLOSING POINTS 

Final Thoughts

Overall, The Popular Life Ebook is a very good guide for someone who is shy wanting to get better. If you follow the steps the author lays out, it’s virtually impossible not to become more social.

You have to overlook the author’s personality and actually put his ideas into practice to get the most out of his book.

The best part about this book, is that it’s different. There were things in it that I’d never heard before, and I’ve read a lot of books on these subjects. Some of the ideas he presents are so simple that when you first read them you think he’s bullshitting you. The truth is, being popular isn’t supposed to be complicated. It’s mostly a matter of changing certain fundamental behaviours that you’ve developed.

At $29.95, your decision to buy depends on two things:

1. If you can afford it.
2. How much becoming more social is worth to you.

Here’s the link: The Popular Life | Become More Popular

If you do buy it, please post your own comment below so that other people in your situation can benefit in the future.

Suddenly, your mind goes blank.

What do you do? You desperately try to think of something to say, and an awkward silence falls across the class. They’re all looking at you. Everybody’s watching.

Suddenly you’re not sure where you should put your hands. You move them awkwardly to the back edge of your desk, and you feel how cold and sweaty they are. But there’s no time to worry about that. You have to say something, anything. Quick!

You blurt out an answer. Why does your voice sound so weird? Everyone keeps looking at you for some reason. Now your voice sounds a little better. You wish the teacher would move on with the other people in the class…

What Did You Do Wrong?

Maybe that situation has happened to you before. Maybe it’s happened to you many times. Or maybe some other, similar situation has happened. It’s happened to me, and it happens to most people who are shy, for a reason.

The reason is shy people tend be preoccupied about what other people think of them. In the classroom, you were very aware that everyone was watching you. You didn’t want to mess up.

You didn’t want other people to get the wrong impression of you, so you had to think carefully about what you were going to say or do next. Unfortunately, your plan backfired horribly.

You Fell Into A Trap

It’s a trap many shy people get caught up in: they try to micro-manage what other people think of them. They constantly think about little things that are unimportant.

For example: Is what you say next going to be liked? Are your clothes representative of your personality? Will the way you walk give off the right vibe? What’s the right body language? Will doing this or that make you seem less smart? Do people secretly respect the way you are?

This is the process shy people go through before they say or do something:

1. “What should I say next?”
2. “Will it sound good?”
3. “What’s the best way to say it?”
4. …and only then do they actually say it.

This type of thinking is called Self-Monitoring, and it’s bad for several reasons:

1. You Hesitate

Instead of just letting go and expressing yourself, you think and think and think. And only after do you do something. It’s not fun for you and it’s not fun for other people. It’s unnatural. The more you hesitate before doing something, the more contrived it will seem when you finally do.

For example, if you think of something to say, and them wonder if you should say it, you get nervous. It stops becoming something that just popped into your head and becomes YOUR own idea. You put more and more importance on how people will react to it the longer you wait. When you finally do say it, you’re nervous. You control how your act through conscious effort, and it comes out unnatural.

2. You Seem Out Of Focus

When you Self-Monitor, you seem out of focus. Like you’re actually 10 seconds in the past or 10 seconds in the future, instead of being in the NOW and enjoying it.

Only shy people and those who are extremely self-conscious monitor what they do. Normal people don’t. What normal people do, is not think at all. They don’t think about what they’re going to say next. They get a general feeling of what they want to communicate, and they say it.

Think back to one of your best experiences socially. Chances are, it felt like the right words were somehow coming out of your mouth automatically. You weren’t stuck in your head, trying to come up with something to say. It was all flowing, and you felt in the moment and connected to the other person. Best of all, you were having fun.

3. You Seem Inauthentic

Oh, the irony. You want people to like you and think you’re a swell guy or girl, but they don’t. They think you’re inauthentic.

When you think about everything you say and do, it doesn’t come from you directly. It’s been filtered by your brain, and people can feel it. They can sense the slight offness when you’ve been thinking of a remark for a minute. They don’t feel the same energy coming from you as from a person who comes up with something to say on the spot, and that lack of energy turns them off.

How Do You Stop Self-Monitoring?

First, you have to realize when you’re doing it. You do it when you’re trying to consciously control internal processes that are normally unconscious. What does that mean?

Do you control how you move your mouth when you talk? Do you consciously control how you’re breathing? Do you think about how your arms and legs move as you walk or sit down? Maybe you aren’t doing it now, but in tough social situations you do it. You shouldn’t EVER do this. 

When you realize you are doing any of these things, this is what you should do:

Switch your focus. Think about being on the beach. Count to one hundred. Think of something that will take you mind completely off what you’re doing physically.

Stop talking to yourself. If you’re constantly doing this in your head, stop. It’s part of Self-Monitoring. You’re probably talking to yourself about what you’re doing, or about to do. Switch your focus using the technique I just showed you.

Don’t hesitate. When a thought pops into your head, express it. The longer you wait the worse your fear of expressing it badly becomes. Downplay. You could be in a war zone right now. You’re just talking to someone, maybe it’s your teacher.

These things should come naturally. So don’t consciously force your mouth to move when you’re talking Or your arms to move a certain way when you’re walking. Switch your focus, relax, and have fun.

The Blueprint

1. Realize when you’re self-monitoring
2. Switch your focus off yourself.
3. Stop talking to yourself.
4. Don’t hesitate for a second.

Photo by missjdub