Suddenly, you see someone coming towards you on the sidewalk. You start to freak out inside. Immediately you get this sudden urge to cross the street or turn back, but they’ve already seen you. It would look weird.

It’s a guy and he’s getting closer. You go into complete anxiety mode. Your heart starts racing, your stomach is turning over, and you feel clumsy and awkward. You start to analyze everylittle thing you do, right down to how you walk and where you should look. You wonder what’s the “normal” thing to do?

Why Do Shy People Feel This Way?

Be honest, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you walked past someone the wrong way? Even if you stared at them a little too long or you walked strangely or whatever. You still wouldn’t get hurt or be affected in any long-term way in most places in today’s society.

So where do the anxious feelings come from? Why do you get them when you see a total stranger coming towards you?

It comes down to how humans evolved. In our years of evolution, showing outward defiance (direct eye contact) to someone of higher status than you could get you hurt, killed or kicked out of the tribe. It was in your best interest to worry about how you passed the dominant male leader of the tribe so that he wouldn’t accidentally mistake you for competition. So the anxiety is a “leftover” feeling from those days.

Shyness Or Survival Instinct?

The feeling comes from a place of “survival”, more than it comes from “shyness”. Even non-shy people get the feeling. Imagine a normally confident, regular middle-aged man walking down a deserted street. Suddenly he sees a group of gang members walking towards him. He doesn’t want to give the gang members a reason to attack him, but at the same time, he also doesn’t want to look like he would be an easy target for a mugging. He starts to go through the same anxiety you go do. Heart racing, stomach flops, analyzing everything he’s doing. 

The same feeling comes when almost anyone walks by a person they find attractive. You immediately think the attractive person is higher status than you are, because of their looks, and you get nervous. But instead of trying not to piss a high status person off, in this case you’re trying to impress them. Which leads to analyzing and awkwardness because of your shyness.

The big difference in  shy people is that they feel almost everyone is higher status than them. That’s why you get the anxious feeling when you pass ordinary, harmless people. That’s the cause of your problem. Need more proof?

What Happens When You Pass An Old Person On The Street?

Do you ever feel more comfortable passing old people than people your own age or younger?

It’s not that they’re friendlier. The truth is, you perceive old people in general to be lower social status than yourself (even if they are a lot more outgoing and social). You do this because they can’t usually fight or dominate. Several thousand years ago, it was very unlikely that an old person was an important leader that you were afraid of offending.

I realize some of this sounds kind of like pseudo-logic, but you have to understand that the human species has been evolving for millions of years. It was only in the last few hundred that modern society was formed. A lot of the stuff people do, they do because it’s been built-in to us over ages. And we usually don’t realize to what extent these built-in responses govern our actions.

So What Should You Do When Walking By A Stranger?

I could tell you how long to hold eye contact, where to look and how you should walk when approaching someone to make the best impression, instead I’ll say: IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER! There is no “normal” way to walk past someone.

I’m going to tell you the truth here, and the truth is that no one notices how you act when they walk by. It’s not that they don’t see you. They see, but they don’t care. No normal person thinks about it afterwards or gives it a second thought. Even if you do something really weird as you walk by, they will forget about it in 30 seconds. Why? Because it doesn’t affect them.

A Couple Tips

First, try not to look down at the ground as you pass people. It doesn’t matter to the person that’s passing by, but it should matter to you. Looking down broadcasts that you’re shy and unconfident through your body language. Look up and get used to doing it. Break the habit. After a while it won’t be so hard.

Second, pretend you’re the other person, and you’re walking towards yourself. This will give you a new perspective, and you’ll see that by feeling nervous you’re just making yourself look worse. You need to relax and then simply think about something else. Take the person walking towards you out of your mind completely. The less you think the less you’ll feel anxious.

Summary

Here’s what’s been covered in this article:

• The anxious feelings you get when you walk by someone comes from thousands of years of evolution. It’s more about “survival” than “shyness”.
• Everyone gets this type of anxiety sometimes. Shy people get it all of the time because they believe almost everyone is higher status than them.
• It doesn’t really matter what you do, because the other person either won’t notice or won’t care. They’ll be too busy worrying about themselves and their own issues.

The next time you’re walking down the street, and you see someone coming at you, you’ll still get the feeling. But something will be different. Now that you know where it comes from and that it is perfectly normal, the feeling will “lose its edge”. You’ll realize the other person is judging you even less than you’re judging them, which is zero. And you will feel like you’ve been given a new perspective on shyness.

Don’t believe me? Go outside and try it.

Photo by da100fotos

They just don’t get it.

In most situations, your body language should be used to make other people think you are a confident, sociable person. First you have to be aware of what you are now doing wrong to be able to fix it.

After you start to see what you’re doing wrong, you’ll have to consciously fix it. But after a while, it becomes habit and confident body language will become natural to you. You want to get to the point where you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

1. Darting eyes

Being insecure makes you want to “watch out” for anything that is going on around you. Your eyes constantly dart everywhere, and you probably don’t even realize it, unless someone videotapes you.

The opposite of this is strong, relaxed eye contact. No matter what you believe, people DO make eye contact. Even with complete strangers. It only makes you uncomfortable, not the other person.

2. Fidgeting

This is the main thing shy people do when they’re really nervous. 

First of all, you have to realize when you are doing it, and stop. Plant your feet in one spot, relax your arms at your sides, and take your hands off of your face. You have to learn to relax in social situations. The best way to do this is to act like you are already relaxed on the outside.

3. Stumbling over words

Social people let words FLOW out of their mouth. They never go back to a word they mispronounced and repeat it.

The real problem here is that social pressure gets to your head, and makes you talk differently. I’m sure there are some people who you have no problem talking smoothly to. To fix the problem of stumling over words, you have to increase your tolerance to being in social situations.

4. Tentative gestures

Most shy people have a very limited range of expression. This goes for their voice and their body language. They aren’t confident enough to make broad, sweeping gestures, dance, or have a wide range of tonality in their voice.

One quick tip I can give you is practice. Practice making gestures in the mirror. See how tentative gestures make you look shy, and how BIG gestures make you look like a regular person.

5. Nervous habits

You can’t fake body language. What you think on the inside will broadcast on the outside. There are a whole lot of insecure habits shy people have that affect their outer confidence.

6. Staring at the floor

Whatever you do, don’t look down. A lot of shy people get into the habit of looking at the ground. They “watch out” for obstacles in their way. Try not looking down for a day. At first you may be scared of tripping, but soon you’ll get used to it. It’s all about breaking the habit. Keep your chin up, ALWAYS, and your posture straight but relaxed.

One thing you’ll find, is that by acting confident on the outside, you’ll soon start feeling more confident on the inside, all the time.

And isn’t that fun?

Photo by Toni Blay

You feel fear. Intense, shaking fear that rattles through your whole body.

Suddenly there’s a man standing at the opposite end of the room. He yells at you: “Don’t worry! This type of snake doesn’t bite!” Do you feel any different?

After all, the man does give you more information. So there are now two conflicting parts of your brain. One feels fear. The other tries to logically convince the first part not to feel fear.

This is a lot like how shyness works.

First, What Is Shyness Exactly?

I know it’s a stupid question, but this is key.

Many shy people get confused into thinking shyness is something it’s not. When they are young, someone may tell them, “You’re shy.”  This assumes that shyness is a trait of a person. It’s something they are born with or have developed over time to become a part of them, like their hair. Or like being athletic or overweight or hairy. But the scary truth is, shyness isn’t a trait.

Think about it: Are you shy all the time? Even when you’re by yourself? Are you equally shy when you’re talking to someone new as when you’re talking to your closest friend?

Shyness is a reaction. It’s a feeling someone gets in response to certain situations. The amount and the type of reaction someone feels depends on the situation. Shyness isn’t something you are, it’s something you feel, sometimes.

So What?

It’s a reaction, and you can’t control the reaction. Just like you can’t control the fear you get when you see a deadly snake coming at you.

And that means you’re not going to cure your shyness by thinking about it logically. But that’s what most shy people try to do.

No amount of saying “It’s no big deal. It’s just a conversation/speech/girl/guy.” is going to stop that intense physical and emotional response you have in social situations.

The response that makes you want to run away and hide because you’re so nervous.

Shyness Isn’t A Choice

Shyness isn’t a choice, it’s actually much closer to fear than anything else. That means the only way to overcome it is to work smarter, not harder.

The problem isn’t to make yourself “feel less shy”, because you can’t make that choice. The real problem usually runs much deeper.

What I’ve come to realize is that it’s a problem of not facing your fears in life, in general.

Wrap Up

What can you learn from what I said above?

• Shyness isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction.
• You can’t logically convince yourself not to feel shy by thinking, because shyness is automatic. You don’t decide to do it or not based on facts. It’s there or it’s not.
• Therefore the only way to cure shyness is to attack it indirectly. You can’t tell yourself not to feel shy as you are doing it, no matter how many “good reasons” you have not to be shy. You have to fix your shyness by fixing other, underlying issues.

There’s something so much bigger at stake here…and overcoming this issue will lead to success in many other areas of your life. Stick with it!

Photo by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

Suddenly, your mind goes blank.

What do you do? You desperately try to think of something to say, and an awkward silence falls across the class. They’re all looking at you. Everybody’s watching.

Suddenly you’re not sure where you should put your hands. You move them awkwardly to the back edge of your desk, and you feel how cold and sweaty they are. But there’s no time to worry about that. You have to say something, anything. Quick!

You blurt out an answer. Why does your voice sound so weird? Everyone keeps looking at you for some reason. Now your voice sounds a little better. You wish the teacher would move on with the other people in the class…

What Did You Do Wrong?

Maybe that situation has happened to you before. Maybe it’s happened to you many times. Or maybe some other, similar situation has happened. It’s happened to me, and it happens to most people who are shy, for a reason.

The reason is shy people tend be preoccupied about what other people think of them. In the classroom, you were very aware that everyone was watching you. You didn’t want to mess up.

You didn’t want other people to get the wrong impression of you, so you had to think carefully about what you were going to say or do next. Unfortunately, your plan backfired horribly.

You Fell Into A Trap

It’s a trap many shy people get caught up in: they try to micro-manage what other people think of them. They constantly think about little things that are unimportant.

For example: Is what you say next going to be liked? Are your clothes representative of your personality? Will the way you walk give off the right vibe? What’s the right body language? Will doing this or that make you seem less smart? Do people secretly respect the way you are?

This is the process shy people go through before they say or do something:

1. “What should I say next?”
2. “Will it sound good?”
3. “What’s the best way to say it?”
4. …and only then do they actually say it.

This type of thinking is called Self-Monitoring, and it’s bad for several reasons:

1. You Hesitate

Instead of just letting go and expressing yourself, you think and think and think. And only after do you do something. It’s not fun for you and it’s not fun for other people. It’s unnatural. The more you hesitate before doing something, the more contrived it will seem when you finally do.

For example, if you think of something to say, and them wonder if you should say it, you get nervous. It stops becoming something that just popped into your head and becomes YOUR own idea. You put more and more importance on how people will react to it the longer you wait. When you finally do say it, you’re nervous. You control how your act through conscious effort, and it comes out unnatural.

2. You Seem Out Of Focus

When you Self-Monitor, you seem out of focus. Like you’re actually 10 seconds in the past or 10 seconds in the future, instead of being in the NOW and enjoying it.

Only shy people and those who are extremely self-conscious monitor what they do. Normal people don’t. What normal people do, is not think at all. They don’t think about what they’re going to say next. They get a general feeling of what they want to communicate, and they say it.

Think back to one of your best experiences socially. Chances are, it felt like the right words were somehow coming out of your mouth automatically. You weren’t stuck in your head, trying to come up with something to say. It was all flowing, and you felt in the moment and connected to the other person. Best of all, you were having fun.

3. You Seem Inauthentic

Oh, the irony. You want people to like you and think you’re a swell guy or girl, but they don’t. They think you’re inauthentic.

When you think about everything you say and do, it doesn’t come from you directly. It’s been filtered by your brain, and people can feel it. They can sense the slight offness when you’ve been thinking of a remark for a minute. They don’t feel the same energy coming from you as from a person who comes up with something to say on the spot, and that lack of energy turns them off.

How Do You Stop Self-Monitoring?

First, you have to realize when you’re doing it. You do it when you’re trying to consciously control internal processes that are normally unconscious. What does that mean?

Do you control how you move your mouth when you talk? Do you consciously control how you’re breathing? Do you think about how your arms and legs move as you walk or sit down? Maybe you aren’t doing it now, but in tough social situations you do it. You shouldn’t EVER do this. 

When you realize you are doing any of these things, this is what you should do:

Switch your focus. Think about being on the beach. Count to one hundred. Think of something that will take you mind completely off what you’re doing physically.

Stop talking to yourself. If you’re constantly doing this in your head, stop. It’s part of Self-Monitoring. You’re probably talking to yourself about what you’re doing, or about to do. Switch your focus using the technique I just showed you.

Don’t hesitate. When a thought pops into your head, express it. The longer you wait the worse your fear of expressing it badly becomes. Downplay. You could be in a war zone right now. You’re just talking to someone, maybe it’s your teacher.

These things should come naturally. So don’t consciously force your mouth to move when you’re talking Or your arms to move a certain way when you’re walking. Switch your focus, relax, and have fun.

The Blueprint

1. Realize when you’re self-monitoring
2. Switch your focus off yourself.
3. Stop talking to yourself.
4. Don’t hesitate for a second.

Photo by missjdub

I hated seeing how I acted in those days. I was always the quietest one, barely able to control my actions and reactions. Usually I thought I was a little shy, almost normal, but seeing those videos I was embarrassed to see how much different and insecure I actually was compared to other people.

I wince inside, thinking back to those days.

Over the years, I realized there are some habits almost all shy and antisocial people have in common that make other people think they’re loners.

If that’s not bad enough, most shy people aren’t even aware of what they are. The habits are automatic and subconscious. That’s why I was always surprised when I saw how I actually acted in real life. 

But the good news is, once you see what these habits are, you can make adjustments to how you act and become more comfortable in your own skin.

1. Being Stuck In Your Head

Outgoing people talk to other people. Shy people talk to themselves. It’s a comfort mechanism, more than anything. 

The important thing to realize is that talking to yourself is a habit (like everything else on this post), and habits can be broken. Whenever you realize you are talking to yourself, STOP. This will help you “get out of your head”, talk more and eventually start becoming more extroverted.

2. Not Paying Attention To Others

One of the biggest tips many conversation experts give is to become actively involved in listening to conversations. Many shy people get into the habit of just standing there, thinking and talking to themselves inside their own head, and listening, but not paying too close attention, to what everyone else is talking about.

Once you start to pay close attention, and put more energy into thinking about what other people are talking about, you won’t have a problem thinking about what to say next. Stuff will be popping into your head all of the time. You’re just going to have to suck it up and say it.

3. Nervousness

Relax, dude. What’s the worst thing that can happen when you’re in the middle of a social situation?

In the pictures I mentioned before, I almost always looked as if I was nervous and tense. Not good. Being relaxed helps you to enjoy situations. Also, shy people tend to automatically “tense up” some of their muscles when they are nervous.

Every once in a while, check if your neck, shoulders and stomach area are tensed up. Your shoulders, when they are tense, will be higher than normal. Take a long, slow breath and as you are letting it go, relax any tense muscles you have.

4. Paranoia

You may think everybody is judging you, and every small action you take and every thing you say. FACT: Nobody really cares about you. (They’re too busy worrying about what other people think of them.)

Next time you feel self-conscious, look at a random person and take note of how you feel about them. If the person you picked is truly random, then you probably won’t have any emotion whatsoever.

That’s how most people who see you feel about you: INDIFFERENT. It took me a long time to realize that.

5. Self-Monitoring

You “micro-manage” what you do. That means you think of what you’re going to say before you say it. You think about what you’re going to do before you actually do it. This makes everything you do and everything you say seem unnatural. 

There’s a lot of info about how to overcome this in my post on talking about nothing.

6. Feeling You Don’t Deserve Good Things

You feel you aren’t good enough for that hot girl or guy to even talk to them. If someone compliments you, you don’t really know how to respond because, deep down, you don’t feel you deserve the compliment. (I’ll talk more on this in a future post.)

7. Fear Of Expression

You feel “held back” – like you can’t just let go and do what feels natural. This can make you quiet and limit your body language.

I remember in social situations I used to have crazy ideas like screaming at the top of my lungs just to see what would happen. I knew I was PHYSICALLY capable of doing it, but something inside seemed to stop me. This is caused by a lack of confidence (also see Habit #9).

8. Arrogant Beliefs

You may think you’re smarter than most people you meet. You may even think that the reason why other people get along so well is because they’re on the same level – while you can see “how things really are”.

If you can relate to that feeling, then the trick is to realize where it comes from. It comes from your bitterness that people don’t seem to like you despite all the “reasons” why they should – you being smart, or talented at something, etc.

9. Hinging Self-Esteem On What Others Think

You let other people decide how you feel. If they say something bad to you, you immediately feel bad inside. You take their opinions as being fact.

The reality is that it’s impossible to make everyone like you, and sooner or later you’re going to have to get used to that. If you don’t, you’ll die sad and unfulfilled because you always seek the approval of other people.

10. Fear To Break Rapport

Rapport is when two people are experiencing a connection. This usually happens in a solid conversation about shared interests.

Unfortunately, shy people mess this up by acting too needy when they do finally meet someone they can relate to because they don’t have many friends. They don’t want to do anything that might make the other person “disconnect”, so they stay in their safe zone when talking. This makes them boring to be around.

11.  Need To Entertain

Not everything you say has to be witty or clever. In fact, most people won’t remember what you said in a conversation in 5 days, so you might as well say anything. This ties into habit number 12…

12. Feeling You Have To Impress

If you’re shy, you may feel as if the only reason why people hang around you is because you have witty and intelligent comments or something else that impresses them. This is a very shallow way to live, and it’s just too hard to come up with something funny to say in every situation. You wind up talking a lot less than other people.

The reason why you feel the need to impress others is because you are lower social value than them.

So How Can You Change?

Now that you know some of the bad habits you’ve developed over the years, how can you get rid of them? Keep reading the posts on this blog my friend. I think I’ve already packed enough into this one.

Image By Wistine